Telling it Like it is

A friend shared this quote on facebook this morning, though without an attribution. It's too good and too spot-on to not share, so if anyone knows who said it or where it came from, please let me know! I did a search and couldn't figure out where it came from.

Enjoy! 'Gina

"One of the problems with Mormonism is that it doesn't just guide you through life. It wraps it's tentacles around your very definition of self. The church tells you how to live, who to be, where to donate your time and talents, it defines your morals for you, tells you what you want in a spouse, where you want to marry, what underwear to choose, how to live nearly every aspect of your life. Your ideal life is directed for you, instead of coming from someplace inside of you.

I read in a book recently, a letter from a woman to her boyfriend, apologizing for her obsessive, manipulative behavior saying "I was taught growing up that I was nothing without a man - without a husband and children. The man I married would define my life." She went on to break up with her boyfriend, saying she wouldn't be good with him til she found out who she was. How true was this for so many who pass through Mormonism? You are defined by who you marry, especially if you are a woman. Your choices and accomplishments are applauded if they are for the glory of Mormonism but dismissed or derided if they are not - no matter how much those decisions reflect the real you. I "belong" to the church of Jesus Christ ... It becomes your identity. They OWN you.

When that much of you is invested in any one thing, career, accomplishments, looks, religion, losing it shakes the very foundation of your soul. Who ARE you, if not LDS? What do YOU want? How do you know when you have never had to figure that out for yourself, except on the most shallow level? When there is no one to tell you how to be and who you are, how do you even begin to figure that out? To some extent, it's a relief. But it's also a very real loss. For Mormons to think we'd throw away so much of ourselves because we are offended is outrageous. It's a huge sacrifice we go through because our honor and integrity mean more to us than anything.

That loss of identity is also why Mormons find us so threatening. Our disbelief strikes at the very core of who they are and how they define themselves. Some people aren't ready to face the fact - not that the church isn't true but that they themselves aren't true. Devastating as it's been in many aspects, I'd rather face a complete rebuild than live a lie. But that's just me. Other people can't bear the thought.

It's ironic one of Mormons favorite Primary songs is "The wise man built his house upon a rock - the foolish man built his house upon the sand." Instead of knocking down their house and rebuilding on a rock, they shore up their shifting sands beach home, endlessly, with whatever junk they find."

Another Terrifying Tale...and a Review!

I received a note from reader Chris today, who posted the following review on amazon and gave me permission to share it here on the blog. I always cringe at what the church's treatment of women does to the male psyche, and Chris's story illustrates it beautifully. .......... YIKES. So here we go!

"I purchased this book on Thursday afternoon and finished it Friday morning. It was like sitting down with a friend and hearing her story and being reminded about the Mormon faith at the same time. The author's insight and presentation of the doctrines and unspoken beliefs of Mormons are right on. I know that because I was a Mormon for 35 years, having done my time as a missionary, then marrying in the temple, teaching gospel doctrine classes, and performing priesthood ordinances. The book covers just about everything I can remember and would write if I had written one on this subject.

The author spends some time going over the sickness men perpetrate toward women in and out of the Mormon faith. I have a personal account to share, the most extreme one I have ever experienced, but not the only sick one.

I remember I was assigned as a home teacher to some young women when I attended a singles ward, a congregation made up entirely of 20 somethings looking for mates. My companion, since males were always paired with another male when assigned visiting duties, was a guy who liked to wear white shoes. To make a really long story short, he was apprehended the night before we were to visit our first assignment, a young blonde who lived with her parents... Apprehended, arrested, and convicted for being the notorious St. Peter Rapist. He received a life sentence for sodomizing his young female victims before he cut crosses in their backs and took their hair as an offering to Jesus.

I could go on for thousands of words about less drastic but still very sick, debilitating, immoral acts and deeds I saw in the 35 years as a Mormon. My wife could add thousands more. She spent 40 years as a member. We are together and happy, having both left the faith at the same time, well, she left a week before I did; and now are raising our two sons to be productive humans in a beautiful world.

The author (identity unknown) has done a fantastic job not only explaining the doctrines but showing how those doctrines and beliefs affect the way the average Mormon conducts himself/herself in the world. If you really want to get to know the Mormon people before you join their organization (if you are so inclined) then I'm (No Longer) A Mormon is a must read."

Thank you, Chris...not only for the positive review, but for being willing to share such a shocking, jaw-dropping experience...and your personal acknowledgment that I am nowhere close to the only one who has been exposed to the insanity of cult-style experiences. Glad you're free, sir. All my best.

And to the rest of you, all my best, as well. And happy weekend! 'Gina

Coming Out of the Closet

Yup, I did it. I came out of the proverbial no-longer-a-Mormon closet...on facebook, of all places. Curious? I thought you might be...but only because I'm nigh unto obsessed with people's "I'm leaving" manifestos. So...enjoy?


Friends,


While it's likely no great surprise to anyone, it is important to my sanity to disclose that I'm leaving the Mormon church. Because I know what this means to members (having been one my whole life!) I apologize for any emotional upset this may cause...though I cannot apologize for leaving.

I realize many will believe they saw it coming; already I have been told that I left "because I'm a pothead," because I have a proclivity for sin (as evidenced by my wigs, shoes, and now my bare shoulders), because I'm lazy in seeking a testimony, because I've been offended by gossip, or because I "think too much." To those people, the truth won't matter, but for those to whom my thoughts and feelings mean something (which I assume is why you're reading this, and consequently, THANK YOU), I would like to explain my struggle.

I was born and raised in the church to convert parents...which actually made being Mormon pretty easy. My dear parents have always respected the individuality of their children and allowed us to be who we were, provided we were good and kind people. I am grateful for how they raised me, and I think I'm much better off than some of my peers as a result.

At almost 8, I hesitated to be baptized because I hadn't felt a spiritual prompting about the "truth" of the church. After much counsel, I did as I was supposed to do, hoping the feeling would come later. At 13, I prayed to know that the BoM was true and get my promised Moroni 10:4 answer...and received no reply. I figured Joseph Smith got his revelation at 14, and should try again then...but we didn't study the BoM in seminary 'til I was 15, so I waited, read, studied, and prayed. No answer. I tried again at 18 and 19 at BYU, (two separate BoM classes) and at 21 and 23 (right before I got temple-married), and hoped my answer would come...but after going through the temple, I still felt no spiritual confirmation. But I kept trying! I served as a YW president, Gospel Essentials teacher, and finally as a Gospel Doctrine teacher for 2 years, hoping that 20 hours/week studying would prove to God that I was ready to receive a testimony. Instead, 2 years of studying brought up serious issues...everything from a sadistic OT God to conflicting NT accounts to additional conflicts in the BoM, D&C, and Pearl of Great Price. So I went to CHURCH LITERATURE to find answers...and what I found caused my doubts to spiral out of control. I had no one to turn to as I watched the entire foundation of my life unravel...and not because "Satan" had gotten to me, but because I was finally willing to seek and find truth instead of confirmation for beliefs I'd been born to.

Trust me when I say it was the SINGLE HARDEST THING I've EVER done. Unless you've been there, you cannot imagine what it is to realize that everything you had ever been taught and ever believed was NOT true, as you'd been assured...and worse, that to give it up meant potentially sacrificing everything and everyone in your life that meant something. My marriage nearly ended, my children would've been caught in the middle, I've already had friends turn away from me (because my ENTIRE social network is LDS), and I've faced the possibility of disappointing extended family to a point of no return...all while trying to figure out what IS true.

See, whether Jesus is the Savior or not, He said something awesome: that the truth would make us free. I sought the truth, yearned for it, and - this is key! - I was willing to follow that truth wherever it led, even if it meant sacrificing everything I held dear.

If you were to ask yourself the same question I asked myself when I began to scrutinize my faith the way I've asked others to scrutinize theirs in the past - Hypothetically speaking, if my religion were not true, would I want to know? - I wonder what your answer would be? It's not as easy as you think. When you're Mormon, it's your entire world, and in my case, all I'd ever known. It would be SO MUCH EASIER to "just believe", considering how much I had invested...but God made me as I am with the brain He's given me, and I couldn't just shelve it and "have faith." But that meant I had to study and learn and be willing to accept things I might not like about my faith.

And there are lots of things. I won't bother with them - if you're devoted, they won't matter, and if you're not, you can find a wealth of them on your own from books on your shelves! - but many really got me down. I was told the feelings of grief and anger I was experiencing were Satan, but that wasn't true; in fact, it's what my therapist (because yes, it's hard enough to leave Mormonism that I need a therapist!) terms "Adjustment Disorder," and being both mad and sad come with the territory.

I was informed the other day that the church is about to "come out" with some glossed-over talks and essays that deal with some of the historical and modern issues those of us leaving tend to have with the church. I confess, I appreciate that; my world might not have unraveled so quickly had I known that Joseph Smith was both polygamous and polyandrous, or that the church had the "translated" pages from the Book of Abraham that actually were simply from the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or exactly what current church finances entail, general authority pay, City Creek Mall and all. I hope those talks help other people continue to live happily Mormon if they choose, and that they help others be more educated about the foundation of their faith so they can make an educated choice about whether or not to stay. After all, you don't know what you don't know. You may think you know everything, but BOY, is it freeing to accept that you don't!!!

Please know that I feel no ill will toward the general membership. Many of the Mormons I know are among the very best people on earth. I may be a bit angry, but not at you guys...it's at the organization, and I CAN and DO separate the two. I don't judge you for believing...but I ask that you do not judge me for leaving. I assure you, pot, wigs, tank tops, coffee, laziness, and a bit of obnoxious (but sometimes justified!) gossip really has nothing to do with it. I only seek the truth, and I cannot find it in the church. It sure would be easier if I could, though!

So what am I looking for? Very few people want to engage in conversation about all this, and I get it, but I'm open to it. I'll try not to vent on FB anymore, but can't totally guarantee it. (Just hide me!)  I don't need any more Ensign articles to read; they're over-simplified and frankly insulting. I also don't need to be convinced, or to have you bear your testimony. I love you, and I appreciate that that shows how much you love and value me, but I'm well-decided. I haven't removed my name from the rolls, and don't currently plan to, but again, I'm done. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone else. This is my choice, and I make it freely. Please leave my parents be. If you know the gospel, you know they're hurting and don't need any reminders that I'm "lost", nor do they need assurances that my free will will be overridden if they endure faithfully to the end. Just love them.

And know that I'm okay. In fact, I'm happy! I know I get angry or sad about all this sometimes, but that's normal. My world was turned upside down, and it's okay for me to struggle with that. The reality is, though, that my life is better and happier and more honest and more free now than it's ever, ever been, and I have the support of a spectacular husband and wonderful children, a loving extended family (on both sides!) who continue to support me, and most of all, I'm being true to truth wherever I find it, including being flexible enough to change my understanding of truth when more or greater truth comes along. I'm learning at the speed of light, and the world seems so infinitely much more beautiful and marvelous and amazing than it ever has. It's like I'm a kid in a candy store, and God, if He/She/It is there, has given me His credit card. ("Hey, check that out! QUANTUM PHYSICS!!! Ooh, and Buddhism! And...and...plant biology!!!")

Love to you all, and if you've stayed with me this long, thank you. I'm good. In fact, I'm GREAT, and I'm happy and in love with my husband and still doing my darnedest for my children, and still a moral, ethical human being with a capacity for love and learning that I've heretofore never known was possible. Life is beautiful. Thank you for being part of mine.


Yup, that's it. That's me. I'm out, I'm done, and I'm relieved. No, I can't imagine what it's like to have to come out of the closet as a homosexual, which must be infinitely harder in many respects, but I imagine it's at least a little bit like coming out as a now-non-member: some will curse you, some will come to your defense, but most just shrug and say "We figured that one out already." In other words, it's QUITE the experience, and I'm glad it's done.

Does this mean I'm going to tell you my real name? No. I'm getting there, true, but I'm still not ready to be ex'd, so I'm holding off for now...but it's coming. I swear, it's coming. Just hang in there with me a little longer. Love to all, Regina

Intermission: I Can't Change Anybody

It's been a busy couple days, and I haven't been able to pick up where I left off on the Mormon sex talk. Sorry about that. More to come.

A quick intermission, though: after a visit with my parents this weekend, and my mother complaining that she didn't want to expose herself to the John Dehlin "Top 5 Myths and Truths" powerpoint presentation because she didn't want to me to try to change how she feels about her faith, I realized something more clearly than it has ever set in before:

I CAN CHANGE NO ONE.

The common argument against "apostates" is that we thrust our views and discoveries onto others to try to change them. True, we are baffled, appalled, and horrified by the truths we encounter, and often eager to share what we've learned, and it would be simply awesome if those we loved listened and were prompted to research the matter to come to the truth themselves, but whatever our motives, the argument is irrelevant.

WE CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE.

No, seriously. For example, if I tell a faithful, active, true-believing member of the LDS church that Joseph Smith defied the law of polygamy he "received directly from God" by marrying non-virgin already-married women AND without Emma's permission...unless that individual has their own doubts, cognitive dissonance immediately kicks in.

The response isn't "Gee whiz, that fact just made me want to entirely abandon my faith!"

Instead, it's one of a few possible responses:

• "I don't want to hear it."
• "Those are anti-Mormon lies, and you've been deceived."
• "Wow, I'd never heard that! Thanks for sharing. I love you. Now let's change the topic!"
• "That may or may not be true, but it's just not pertinent to my testimony."
• "Joseph was just as fallible as any other guy."

In other words, up that thought goes onto the member's proverbial shelf of "stuff I don't want to think about", and VOILA!, life continues on.

So, no, I'm not trying to de-convert you. Any former member of the church knows that that's just foolishness. Even if we WANT to de-convert you, the only person with the power to manage that feat is YOU. We may make a chink or two in the armor, but if you're a true-believer, even that's not terribly likely.

Why? Because you believe it. Because until you want to take a couple of those horrible truths off the shelf to examine them, until you open yourself up to the possibility that YOU COULD BE WRONG, until you are eager to know the truth no matter the cost, you're going to happily continue on as a Mormon...and there's nothing anyone can do to change it.

Including me.

So even if I WAS trying to "make" Mom change her faith (and I wasn't; I was seeking to be understood), I know full well that that's a fruitless endeavor.

Of course, her fear that her faith could be so easily changed indicates that she realizes there are problems with the church and its doctrines. Her desire to avoid a powerpoint presentation makes it obvious that she likes living in ignorance of the issues others have with the church, its tenets, and its history. And I think there are a LOT of Mormons who turn to response "one" as a result: "I don't want to hear it." (Read: "Let me continue to live in ignorance because I'm so invested in it that I'm terrified of being proved wrong.")

But that's not me. It's her. Because I cannot change her. I lack the power to change anyone.

That power comes from within.

Good luck with your shelves.

I'll Never Run Out of Things to Say!

When I was getting ready to publish my book, I'm (No Longer) a Mormon, my husband asked if I'd like to hold off a little longer...not because he was worried about my going public (since Regina is an alias), but because over the last few months I've added a considerable number of fun tidbits to the book as I remember them.

He had a good point, really; there is always more to say, and apparently always more to discover. After all, I still haven't reached the bottom of the rabbit hole, and I'm already in Hell's sub-basement #7. (I have a feeling that, after I read An Insider's View of Mormonism, currently on order from Amazon, I'll reach sub-basement #8. Looking forward to finally hitting magma, I gotta tell ya.)

And since he was right, I had to do something that would allow me to publish the book and still add to it...hence this blog. I seriously doubt I'll ever run out of things to say, because I seriously doubt I'll ever be so far from the church (thanks to family member-members) that I won't have a related opinion or experience to share...at least occasionally.

Yes, I may wind down after a while, I may lighten up, I may hit magma and spontaneously combust...but I'm really, really hoping I stick with this. I want this blog to become a resource for your average Jane and Joe leaving the church, and for your average Jane and Joe who know people leaving the church. And I'm optimistic. After all, I kept a Mormon journal for YEARS; why not a blog?

If YOU have something to say, please do so! This is an open forum, and I'd love to read your thoughts, good, bad, or indifferent. In the meantime, though, thank you. Thank you for visiting, thank you for relating, and thank you for caring.

More soon...definitely.

"What If You're Wrong?"

I have a very dear friend with whom I love to lunch and shop. She is LDS. I am No Longer a Mormon. (Sorry, had to.) Her kids are my kids' ages and older, so we have time during the day. (Yes, there are sometimes perks to being a stay-home Mom.) We went to lunch today, and talked, as we sometimes do, about "where I am now," as it were.

First, I adore her. She's one of my dearest friends in the world.

That said, today we were discussing how I DON'T sit down with true-believing members to recite all the Mormon Skeleton Closet History Tidbits I've absorbed in the last couple years because I have NO desire to blow anyone's testimony out of the water. I feel that if someone wants to know the truth, they will seek it out, and if they prefer to enjoy the delusion, it won't matter what I have to say, what evidence I have to offer, or what the real truth is...their cognitive dissonance will kick in, and they will continue to embrace the delusion.

That was fine with her. So fine, in fact, that she replied, "Good." Then came the kicker: "Because WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?"

.......................................Yes, what if I'm wrong? Well, then, I'd be acting as one of Satan's minions to drag people away from salvation, and I'd be destined for HELL.

Of course, that's if you're a true-believing Mormon.

So I told her I wasn't wrong, and I would gladly share all the information I've discovered with anyone who wanted to know what I had to offer. I told her I had no fear of the LDS version of God - no fear of God at all, for that matter, because a) if "He" exists, He is vastly different from what Mormons imagine, and b) I have come to understand that God is Love, and I have no fear of God.

Furthermore, I explained that "if" I was wrong, no one knows my head and heart like God ostensibly does, and He would understand my sincerity. Additionally, since He has never, EVER told me that this is "His" gospel, He must therefore take responsibility for my swaying people away from the church, as He has never directed me otherwise.

Then came the clincher, and she didn't like it much. I looked her in the eye and asked, "What if YOU'RE wrong?"

We were at an impasse.

She told me that she isn't wrong, either. She bore her testimony to me and confirmed that she has received personal revelation that the Church is True. And she told me that if she IS wrong, she will at least have lived a good and moral life.

But the Born-Again God won't welcome her Home. Allah will want nothing to do with her. Jehovah God will let her disappear into Gehenna.

My God? "He" just wants me to be true to myself, to seek out truth wherever I find it and however often I have to revise my thinking when new evidence is presented. Jesus was a hoax? Okay. I'm still me. The JW's are nuts? Still just Regina. The Jews could've clipped the side curls and walked right by the Wailing Wall? Regina is happily Regina. Allah is a crazy figment of a warped Mohammedan imagination? Regina's okay!

The Zoroastrians were right?! .......... Well, I'LL never know about it...and I still get to enjoy my coffee in the morning.

I don't need to be scared by threats of condemnation. If God exists - and I'm at about 60% right now in believing that some form of God exists, even if it's just "The All" - that's great; it means I might get to enjoy some sort of afterlife. If God doesn't exist - and frankly, I've seen no concrete evidence either way - that's fine, too; I'd better enjoy my existence while I have it to enjoy!

So what if I'm wrong? What if she's right, and I really DID need the patriarchal grip to get past the Celestial sentinels?

That's a God I refuse to worship...and I'm okay with that.

Besides.................I'm not wrong. ;)

PUBLISHED!!!

Okay, everybody...it's done! It'll be a couple days before I'm (No Longer) a Mormon is up on amazon, but for the time being it's available for ereaders everywhere! For Kindle, please go here. For every other format - including online reading AND Kindle format! - please visit smashwords; you'll need a free account. I'll put the print book link up the moment it's ready, and once the ebook is available direct from B&N, Kobo, iTunes, etc, those links will appear here, too! Enjoy, and thank you all so much for your support!

All the Reasons I DIDN'T Leave the Church...

When you announce that you're leaving the church, nobody asks why. Of the hundred-some people I've told, exactly ONE asked me about the reasoning behind it, listened patiently for a couple of minutes, and then the subject was changed.

NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW. It's not that they don't care; it's that they make assumptions in order to protect themselves from their own deep-seated fear...by dishonoring me.

Here's what I mean: someone leaves your faith...but there can't actually be anything wrong with the faith, right? That would make the person still clinging to it WRONG! None of us like to be wrong...particularly when we've devoted part or the whole of our lives to what we're wrong about. But it goes a step further: if we're wrong, eternal marriage and families evaporate, our social network is in danger, the possibility of salvation is called into question, and even Jesus becomes suspect. That's not a fun place to be! And since we don't want to consider any of that, we decide the church CANNOT be wrong, and so the person who is leaving must be wrong.

Take that a step further: if the person leaving is wrong, they are wrong in one (or all) of a few areas: righteousness/worthiness, impatience, laziness, taking offense, arrogance based on intellect, and/or they were duped by Satan.

Where does that leave me? As an impatient, lazy, arrogant, offended, grossly sinful dupe.

But what if that's not true? What if I left for legitimate reasons? I know it's hard to accept because it means they might be wrong, but Jesus has told us time and time again that the truth will make us free.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to make clear the reasons I did NOT leave the church:

1. My life contains a laundry list of mistakes and regrets, just like yours, but I haven't become a swinger, I'm not a drunk or a drug addict, and my morals have not changed. If anything, my morals are more cemented by my choice to discover and live them than one who is moral under duress. I have not committed gross sin; there is no blood on my hands. And just FYI, having a cup of coffee is not gross sin.
2. I have not been impatient for my Moroni 10:4 answer. I have tried over and over again for decades with complete sincerity, begging to know that the BoM is "true", and God has not seen fit to answer me. Until recently I had concluded that that was either because God didn't love me, or that God did not think I was a soul worth answering. Needless to say, as a result my self-esteem has never been good. The truth is, God hasn't sent an answer...and if he sent it to me in some "other" way, as has been argued before, what good is an answer that I can't understand?
3. I admit, I'm incredibly lazy in many areas of my life. That said, my pursuit of truth (using the LDS Moroni 10:4 truth test) has probably been more intense than your own. I am also perfectly happy and willing to live any way that God might expect, including wearing a burqa, if I had to. He hasn't told me what he expects. The way I live is not for the sake of self-indulgence or being too lazy to keep the commandments. I just don't believe the LDS gospel has very many legitimate commandments to keep.
4. I think most intellectuals are considered arrogant and instantly given a bad name for being intellectual...rather like wealthy people are given a bad name for having spent decades slowly acquiring their wealth. There is a fine line between intellectualism and arrogance, and in some ways, arrogance is important in an intellectual; it drives them to learn more, discover more, and become more. But the reality is, I don't consider myself a true intellectual. I consider myself someone with an overpowering desire to acquire knowledge and seek truth. If truth-seeking is arrogant, I am arrogant indeed, but I think the idea of arrogance is misapplied in circumstances of truth-seeking. The earnest seeker of truth is incredibly humble, willing to discard outmoded and outdated ideas as required. I seek truth. I may never find it. I'm okay with that, as long as I'm seeking, open to new ideas, and developing.
5. I have been offended MANY, MANY TIMES by the church, its doctrines, its leadership, and its membership. It never, ever caused me to leave the church because I understand that the gospel and the people are two different things. The gospel can be perfect while the people can be idiots. I understand that. It just turns out that the gospel is not perfect, is not of God, and I'm done with it. It's not the people. Amazing Mormons are still amazing, and asinine Mormons are still asinine...bless all their hearts.
6. How do you argue with "duped by Satan"? I mean, when all else fails, call on the supernatural Bad Guy to explain someone's lunacy! I can't argue over the bad guy tempter that I can't see, hear, touch, smell, or taste; somehow, even though I cannot see, hear, touch, smell, or taste him, he got to me. He persuaded me to accept lies as a bulk of evidence and not a giant CYA for the church; he duped me. 

The reality is that I leave the church of my own free will and choice. I choose to use my agency to walk away from a gospel that, in my mind, has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be a farce.

People will continue to think of me what they wish, but I hope that, for the sake of all those of us leaving a religion, those who continue to practice it might be willing to consider that maybe, just maybe, the person walking away has actually put some serious thought into their decision. Maybe, just maybe, they've been willing to take the hard road because of their convictions, not because of their laziness or sinfulness.

You can't force someone to believe something they don't believe. I don't believe in the church, and I have good reasons not to. Please understand me anyway.