Doubt Your Doubts, Not Your Faith

Conference is now officially the worst time of the year for me...and it comes twice. (Thanks for that, Mormons.) I received not one but SIX emails from LDS friends who wanted to let me know they thought of me when they heard Uchtdorf's talk about doubting one's doubts, rather than doubting one's faith.

I've been stewing for two days.

Then today I read this post over at The Church of the Fridge entitled "I Doubt It." It made my day. Perhaps it'll make yours, too.

Enjoy,
Regina

Telling it Like it is

A friend shared this quote on facebook this morning, though without an attribution. It's too good and too spot-on to not share, so if anyone knows who said it or where it came from, please let me know! I did a search and couldn't figure out where it came from.

Enjoy! 'Gina

"One of the problems with Mormonism is that it doesn't just guide you through life. It wraps it's tentacles around your very definition of self. The church tells you how to live, who to be, where to donate your time and talents, it defines your morals for you, tells you what you want in a spouse, where you want to marry, what underwear to choose, how to live nearly every aspect of your life. Your ideal life is directed for you, instead of coming from someplace inside of you.

I read in a book recently, a letter from a woman to her boyfriend, apologizing for her obsessive, manipulative behavior saying "I was taught growing up that I was nothing without a man - without a husband and children. The man I married would define my life." She went on to break up with her boyfriend, saying she wouldn't be good with him til she found out who she was. How true was this for so many who pass through Mormonism? You are defined by who you marry, especially if you are a woman. Your choices and accomplishments are applauded if they are for the glory of Mormonism but dismissed or derided if they are not - no matter how much those decisions reflect the real you. I "belong" to the church of Jesus Christ ... It becomes your identity. They OWN you.

When that much of you is invested in any one thing, career, accomplishments, looks, religion, losing it shakes the very foundation of your soul. Who ARE you, if not LDS? What do YOU want? How do you know when you have never had to figure that out for yourself, except on the most shallow level? When there is no one to tell you how to be and who you are, how do you even begin to figure that out? To some extent, it's a relief. But it's also a very real loss. For Mormons to think we'd throw away so much of ourselves because we are offended is outrageous. It's a huge sacrifice we go through because our honor and integrity mean more to us than anything.

That loss of identity is also why Mormons find us so threatening. Our disbelief strikes at the very core of who they are and how they define themselves. Some people aren't ready to face the fact - not that the church isn't true but that they themselves aren't true. Devastating as it's been in many aspects, I'd rather face a complete rebuild than live a lie. But that's just me. Other people can't bear the thought.

It's ironic one of Mormons favorite Primary songs is "The wise man built his house upon a rock - the foolish man built his house upon the sand." Instead of knocking down their house and rebuilding on a rock, they shore up their shifting sands beach home, endlessly, with whatever junk they find."

"It Just Wasn't Right for You"

How many former members have heard a version of the following sentiment expressed by one of their LDS friends? "I'm so glad you've found something that makes you happy, because clearly the Gospel just wasn't right for you."

I've heard it from a couple of my more liberal LDS friends, one a convert, the other a younger-generation lifer...even though they both know that I haven't "found something that makes me happy". (I've instead discovered what WON'T make me happy, and that, it turns out, is living according to the lies someone else has dictated to me.)

I appreciate their kindness and respect...but they exhibit just one more example of the flawed thinking of church members.

Howso?

Good members of the church with their heads on straight KNOW that the LDS church is the ONE and ONLY TRUE CHURCH. You want to get back to live with (a violent, sick, twisted, exclusive) God? You MUST be a faithful member of the church who has married in the temple and is enduring (in the faith) to the end.

But I'm done enduring...in more ways than one.

Which means I'm not going to be hanging out with them in the presence of God. Instead, if I'm lucky and my parents live sinlessly from this point forward, having been baptized in the faith at age 8, I might get to be dragged along by my parents faithfulness into the Celestial Kingdom...but I'll only inhabit the first of the three levels of the kingdom, ostensibly as a genderless ministering angel...to my friends and their spouses, forever breeding to people their created worlds alongside their husbands (and, if they're willing to admit it, their sister-wives who, unlike me, did NOT turn from the true gospel; they just never received an offer of marriage from a worthy temple-attending returned missionary and have been waiting 'til they died to claim a husband as a second/third/tenth wife).

WOOHOO!!!

..................(What rhyme with "woo-hoo", starts with an f, and ends with "you"?)

And yet my friends have concluded that the gospel "wasn't right for me."

It's supposed to be right for EVERYONE, isn't it? In fact, it's SO right for everyone, Adolf Hitler (and a million + Jews executed by his regime) have been baptized to enable them to inherit the Celestial Kingdom! So if it's right for Hitler, why isn't it right for me?

Am I worth less than a mass murderer to them, or for that matter? Are they content to see me drink coffee in this life when deep down they know that my coffee drinking - and, you know, denial of the one and only truth - will cause the abolishing of my heavenly genitals, but ultimately I'll still be saved to wait on them hand and foot? Do they believe that certain people are just plain incapable of living the gospel, and God put the gospel on the earth to weed us out, so as much as they "love" me here, they know I can't hang, and they've already dismissed me from the afterlife?

HAVE THEY EVEN CONSIDERED ANY OF THIS?

In all likelihood, probably not. It feels good to say "I'm so glad you've found something that makes you happy, because clearly the gospel just wasn't right for you." It feels terrible to say "I'll miss you in the Celestial Kingdom, but there's still a chance you'll be a genderless servant to me, my husband, and our wives." But it feels "worst-est" to say "I refuse to consider that you might be right, and I'm only fooling myself based on the emotional and psychological comfort provided me by the Pineal gland in my brain - and pressures of my friends/family/acquaintances - in 'confirming' the truthfulness of the gospel."

Yeah, acknowledging that one would suck.

So they make THEMSELVES feel better by confirming MY decision to be the best one...for ME.

How horribly sad and deluded. And cultist.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...I'm so glad I'm done. And facing reality. And living life to its fullest, my conscience and strength of character dictating how I live and who I become, instead of relying on human directives couched in fairy tale and supernatural terms and credited to a mystical God on whose form and personality no one can agree.

So maybe they're right after all. That crap? It just wasn't right for me, and I'm finally happy. Hallelujah!

Coming Out of the Closet

Yup, I did it. I came out of the proverbial no-longer-a-Mormon closet...on facebook, of all places. Curious? I thought you might be...but only because I'm nigh unto obsessed with people's "I'm leaving" manifestos. So...enjoy?


Friends,


While it's likely no great surprise to anyone, it is important to my sanity to disclose that I'm leaving the Mormon church. Because I know what this means to members (having been one my whole life!) I apologize for any emotional upset this may cause...though I cannot apologize for leaving.

I realize many will believe they saw it coming; already I have been told that I left "because I'm a pothead," because I have a proclivity for sin (as evidenced by my wigs, shoes, and now my bare shoulders), because I'm lazy in seeking a testimony, because I've been offended by gossip, or because I "think too much." To those people, the truth won't matter, but for those to whom my thoughts and feelings mean something (which I assume is why you're reading this, and consequently, THANK YOU), I would like to explain my struggle.

I was born and raised in the church to convert parents...which actually made being Mormon pretty easy. My dear parents have always respected the individuality of their children and allowed us to be who we were, provided we were good and kind people. I am grateful for how they raised me, and I think I'm much better off than some of my peers as a result.

At almost 8, I hesitated to be baptized because I hadn't felt a spiritual prompting about the "truth" of the church. After much counsel, I did as I was supposed to do, hoping the feeling would come later. At 13, I prayed to know that the BoM was true and get my promised Moroni 10:4 answer...and received no reply. I figured Joseph Smith got his revelation at 14, and should try again then...but we didn't study the BoM in seminary 'til I was 15, so I waited, read, studied, and prayed. No answer. I tried again at 18 and 19 at BYU, (two separate BoM classes) and at 21 and 23 (right before I got temple-married), and hoped my answer would come...but after going through the temple, I still felt no spiritual confirmation. But I kept trying! I served as a YW president, Gospel Essentials teacher, and finally as a Gospel Doctrine teacher for 2 years, hoping that 20 hours/week studying would prove to God that I was ready to receive a testimony. Instead, 2 years of studying brought up serious issues...everything from a sadistic OT God to conflicting NT accounts to additional conflicts in the BoM, D&C, and Pearl of Great Price. So I went to CHURCH LITERATURE to find answers...and what I found caused my doubts to spiral out of control. I had no one to turn to as I watched the entire foundation of my life unravel...and not because "Satan" had gotten to me, but because I was finally willing to seek and find truth instead of confirmation for beliefs I'd been born to.

Trust me when I say it was the SINGLE HARDEST THING I've EVER done. Unless you've been there, you cannot imagine what it is to realize that everything you had ever been taught and ever believed was NOT true, as you'd been assured...and worse, that to give it up meant potentially sacrificing everything and everyone in your life that meant something. My marriage nearly ended, my children would've been caught in the middle, I've already had friends turn away from me (because my ENTIRE social network is LDS), and I've faced the possibility of disappointing extended family to a point of no return...all while trying to figure out what IS true.

See, whether Jesus is the Savior or not, He said something awesome: that the truth would make us free. I sought the truth, yearned for it, and - this is key! - I was willing to follow that truth wherever it led, even if it meant sacrificing everything I held dear.

If you were to ask yourself the same question I asked myself when I began to scrutinize my faith the way I've asked others to scrutinize theirs in the past - Hypothetically speaking, if my religion were not true, would I want to know? - I wonder what your answer would be? It's not as easy as you think. When you're Mormon, it's your entire world, and in my case, all I'd ever known. It would be SO MUCH EASIER to "just believe", considering how much I had invested...but God made me as I am with the brain He's given me, and I couldn't just shelve it and "have faith." But that meant I had to study and learn and be willing to accept things I might not like about my faith.

And there are lots of things. I won't bother with them - if you're devoted, they won't matter, and if you're not, you can find a wealth of them on your own from books on your shelves! - but many really got me down. I was told the feelings of grief and anger I was experiencing were Satan, but that wasn't true; in fact, it's what my therapist (because yes, it's hard enough to leave Mormonism that I need a therapist!) terms "Adjustment Disorder," and being both mad and sad come with the territory.

I was informed the other day that the church is about to "come out" with some glossed-over talks and essays that deal with some of the historical and modern issues those of us leaving tend to have with the church. I confess, I appreciate that; my world might not have unraveled so quickly had I known that Joseph Smith was both polygamous and polyandrous, or that the church had the "translated" pages from the Book of Abraham that actually were simply from the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or exactly what current church finances entail, general authority pay, City Creek Mall and all. I hope those talks help other people continue to live happily Mormon if they choose, and that they help others be more educated about the foundation of their faith so they can make an educated choice about whether or not to stay. After all, you don't know what you don't know. You may think you know everything, but BOY, is it freeing to accept that you don't!!!

Please know that I feel no ill will toward the general membership. Many of the Mormons I know are among the very best people on earth. I may be a bit angry, but not at you guys...it's at the organization, and I CAN and DO separate the two. I don't judge you for believing...but I ask that you do not judge me for leaving. I assure you, pot, wigs, tank tops, coffee, laziness, and a bit of obnoxious (but sometimes justified!) gossip really has nothing to do with it. I only seek the truth, and I cannot find it in the church. It sure would be easier if I could, though!

So what am I looking for? Very few people want to engage in conversation about all this, and I get it, but I'm open to it. I'll try not to vent on FB anymore, but can't totally guarantee it. (Just hide me!)  I don't need any more Ensign articles to read; they're over-simplified and frankly insulting. I also don't need to be convinced, or to have you bear your testimony. I love you, and I appreciate that that shows how much you love and value me, but I'm well-decided. I haven't removed my name from the rolls, and don't currently plan to, but again, I'm done. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone else. This is my choice, and I make it freely. Please leave my parents be. If you know the gospel, you know they're hurting and don't need any reminders that I'm "lost", nor do they need assurances that my free will will be overridden if they endure faithfully to the end. Just love them.

And know that I'm okay. In fact, I'm happy! I know I get angry or sad about all this sometimes, but that's normal. My world was turned upside down, and it's okay for me to struggle with that. The reality is, though, that my life is better and happier and more honest and more free now than it's ever, ever been, and I have the support of a spectacular husband and wonderful children, a loving extended family (on both sides!) who continue to support me, and most of all, I'm being true to truth wherever I find it, including being flexible enough to change my understanding of truth when more or greater truth comes along. I'm learning at the speed of light, and the world seems so infinitely much more beautiful and marvelous and amazing than it ever has. It's like I'm a kid in a candy store, and God, if He/She/It is there, has given me His credit card. ("Hey, check that out! QUANTUM PHYSICS!!! Ooh, and Buddhism! And...and...plant biology!!!")

Love to you all, and if you've stayed with me this long, thank you. I'm good. In fact, I'm GREAT, and I'm happy and in love with my husband and still doing my darnedest for my children, and still a moral, ethical human being with a capacity for love and learning that I've heretofore never known was possible. Life is beautiful. Thank you for being part of mine.


Yup, that's it. That's me. I'm out, I'm done, and I'm relieved. No, I can't imagine what it's like to have to come out of the closet as a homosexual, which must be infinitely harder in many respects, but I imagine it's at least a little bit like coming out as a now-non-member: some will curse you, some will come to your defense, but most just shrug and say "We figured that one out already." In other words, it's QUITE the experience, and I'm glad it's done.

Does this mean I'm going to tell you my real name? No. I'm getting there, true, but I'm still not ready to be ex'd, so I'm holding off for now...but it's coming. I swear, it's coming. Just hang in there with me a little longer. Love to all, Regina

"It's True."

Chatting with some former members over lunch, one gent disclosed that on his last Sunday attending church - once there was already a rumor going around that he was struggling with his testimony - a guy in his ward patted him on the shoulder in passing and leaned over, whispering, "It's true."

As my new friend relates the tale, he grabbed the man's hand on his shoulder (definitely surprising the guy) and stopped him. "Okay, but hypothetically speaking, if it wasn't true, would you want to know?"

"But it is true."

(I confess: at this point every single one of us around the table rolled our eyes.)

"Okay, but again, we're dealing in hypotheticals here, if it was NOT true, would you want to know?"

After thinking for a moment, the guy shook his head "no." "Probably not. After all, it's what I believe, and what I'm doing with my life."

Now, that's all well and good, of course, but I gave up Santa Claus a looooooooooong time ago. I prefer to deal in reality. I prefer to think in terms of fact and fiction, discarding fiction in favor of fact where leading my life is concerned. I prefer to discover TRUTH.

But apparently, no matter how members protest that they seek after truth, they find some truths irrelevant. Such is the case with a few of my convert-friends, who have openly stated that they lack a testimony of Joseph Smith as a prophet (one even went so far as to say that he was martyred because he was leading the people astray, and God couldn't allow that!!!), or even a testimony of the Book of Mormon as the word of God. They're not interested in truth. Their testimonies, instead, are based on the "feeling" that THIS is what they're meant to do with their lives.

That disappoints me. It's a cop-out, first of all, but more importantly, it's actively choosing to live in a fantasy world.

I've heard members argue that that fantasy world gives people hope...that, even if they're wrong, they had something to hope for in the next life while living this one.

But frankly, I find that a bit sick and childish. If you're hoping for impossible things, particularly at the expense of the actual life you lead, what sort of hope do you really have? Take my husband. He hates his job. He wishes every day that he'd gone into something else and would love to go back and get a different degree, because every day he sits at his desk, he is truly miserable. Now that he understands the idea of the Celestial Kingdom is bunk, and that there is very little chance of a post-existence, let alone the opportunity to create his own world and people it, he's looking at the here and now as potentially all there is.

Mormons would say, "How sad." I heartily disagree. I think, "HOW WONDERFUL!!! That means that he's going to finally rethink how he's going to spend the next 30 years of his career, and maybe he'll be motivated to make a change!!!" After all, spending the next 30 years - the prime of your life - doing something you hate isn't that big a deal when you believe you have all eternity to do something you'll enjoy...but wasting the next 30 years doing something you hate when that's likely all you'll get is absolutely asinine.

I - we - choose to live in reality. We want to know the truth, we seek after it, we are (more or less) comfortable in the realization that there are things we don't, can't, and will likely never know, and we're determined to make the most of the life that we have.

I can't say the same for the brother who whispered "It's true" to my new friend. He's busy enjoying the fairy tale, growing old and living by someone else's rules in the meantime. While that's his prerogative, frankly, I pity him. I pity all those who prefer fantasy to reality, because they're missing out on reality.

But at least it reminds me to enjoy what I have, what I know, and who I am. May you all do the same.

Intermission: I Can't Change Anybody

It's been a busy couple days, and I haven't been able to pick up where I left off on the Mormon sex talk. Sorry about that. More to come.

A quick intermission, though: after a visit with my parents this weekend, and my mother complaining that she didn't want to expose herself to the John Dehlin "Top 5 Myths and Truths" powerpoint presentation because she didn't want to me to try to change how she feels about her faith, I realized something more clearly than it has ever set in before:

I CAN CHANGE NO ONE.

The common argument against "apostates" is that we thrust our views and discoveries onto others to try to change them. True, we are baffled, appalled, and horrified by the truths we encounter, and often eager to share what we've learned, and it would be simply awesome if those we loved listened and were prompted to research the matter to come to the truth themselves, but whatever our motives, the argument is irrelevant.

WE CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE.

No, seriously. For example, if I tell a faithful, active, true-believing member of the LDS church that Joseph Smith defied the law of polygamy he "received directly from God" by marrying non-virgin already-married women AND without Emma's permission...unless that individual has their own doubts, cognitive dissonance immediately kicks in.

The response isn't "Gee whiz, that fact just made me want to entirely abandon my faith!"

Instead, it's one of a few possible responses:

• "I don't want to hear it."
• "Those are anti-Mormon lies, and you've been deceived."
• "Wow, I'd never heard that! Thanks for sharing. I love you. Now let's change the topic!"
• "That may or may not be true, but it's just not pertinent to my testimony."
• "Joseph was just as fallible as any other guy."

In other words, up that thought goes onto the member's proverbial shelf of "stuff I don't want to think about", and VOILA!, life continues on.

So, no, I'm not trying to de-convert you. Any former member of the church knows that that's just foolishness. Even if we WANT to de-convert you, the only person with the power to manage that feat is YOU. We may make a chink or two in the armor, but if you're a true-believer, even that's not terribly likely.

Why? Because you believe it. Because until you want to take a couple of those horrible truths off the shelf to examine them, until you open yourself up to the possibility that YOU COULD BE WRONG, until you are eager to know the truth no matter the cost, you're going to happily continue on as a Mormon...and there's nothing anyone can do to change it.

Including me.

So even if I WAS trying to "make" Mom change her faith (and I wasn't; I was seeking to be understood), I know full well that that's a fruitless endeavor.

Of course, her fear that her faith could be so easily changed indicates that she realizes there are problems with the church and its doctrines. Her desire to avoid a powerpoint presentation makes it obvious that she likes living in ignorance of the issues others have with the church, its tenets, and its history. And I think there are a LOT of Mormons who turn to response "one" as a result: "I don't want to hear it." (Read: "Let me continue to live in ignorance because I'm so invested in it that I'm terrified of being proved wrong.")

But that's not me. It's her. Because I cannot change her. I lack the power to change anyone.

That power comes from within.

Good luck with your shelves.

Testimony Meeting: Teaching Your Kids to Lie Publicly

I was very, very clear in my book that I have struggled with lying...mostly courtesy of the church and "lying for the Lord," I believe. No wonder: we teach our children to lie at least once a month...and to do it publicly!

What on earth am I talking about?

Testimony meeting.

You see, I've never had a personal witness that the BoM is "true." No whisper from the Spirit, no burning in my bosom (even when I was pregnant and it was ample; that was heartburn!), and no angels in my bedroom. But how many times did I get up during my tenure in the church, head to the podium, and claim sure knowledge of the truth of things that, as it turns out, are not actually true?

How many times did my parents walk me to the podium, whisper in my ear what to say, and then smile warmly while I delivered "my" testimony? WORSE, how many times have I done that with my own children?

Kids are adorable, of course, and seeing them talking about how much they love Jesus into a microphone behind a giant podium is inexpressibly cute. Until you realize how intensely they're being indoctrinated. Then it sort of makes you want to vomit.

The typical child's testimony goes something like this: "I'd like to bear my testimony. I know this church is true, I know that Jesus lives and loves us. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and the Book of Mormon is true. I love my family, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

By this point, the congregation members are oohing and aahing. After the meeting, they congratulate the child on their wonderful testimony, reinforcing lying as good and admirable behavior (because really, how many 4 year-olds "know" the church is true, have ever met Jesus, shook hands with and examined the reputation of Joseph Smith, or have read the BoM?), and then congratulating the child's parents on doing such a great job raising their children to know and express "the truth."

Here, kid! Go up and stand in front of a room full of people and tell them all the things they want to hear, and we'll reward you with an outpouring of love and admiration. Maybe the bishop will even call you into his office and give you candy, like any decent pedophile would. If you tell everyone here what they want you to say, you might come to believe it...and if not, that's okay. Lie until you DO believe it, and let us tell you how awesome you are for lying through your teeth.

I had a YW teacher once tell me that if we weren't morning people, we should try leaping out of bed every morning to greet the day, faking it 'til we make it, and at some point we'd realized we had become morning people. Then she noted that a testimony worked the same way: if you don't have one now, act like you do, live it to the fullest extent, and one day you'll wake up and realize you have a testimony!

The problem, of course, is that I just woke up every morning knowing that I would be lauded for lies, and feeling miserable because God hadn't seen fit to bestow a testimony on me yet.

Talk about messed in the head!

And I've done it to my own sweet children. It sort of makes me want to slit my wrists, and while I'm at it, use that knife to cut through the indoctrination, it's so ruddy thick.

Don't be authentically you. Fake it. Lie.

I cannot possibly express how relieved I am to no longer be a Mormon.

All the Reasons I DIDN'T Leave the Church...

When you announce that you're leaving the church, nobody asks why. Of the hundred-some people I've told, exactly ONE asked me about the reasoning behind it, listened patiently for a couple of minutes, and then the subject was changed.

NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW. It's not that they don't care; it's that they make assumptions in order to protect themselves from their own deep-seated fear...by dishonoring me.

Here's what I mean: someone leaves your faith...but there can't actually be anything wrong with the faith, right? That would make the person still clinging to it WRONG! None of us like to be wrong...particularly when we've devoted part or the whole of our lives to what we're wrong about. But it goes a step further: if we're wrong, eternal marriage and families evaporate, our social network is in danger, the possibility of salvation is called into question, and even Jesus becomes suspect. That's not a fun place to be! And since we don't want to consider any of that, we decide the church CANNOT be wrong, and so the person who is leaving must be wrong.

Take that a step further: if the person leaving is wrong, they are wrong in one (or all) of a few areas: righteousness/worthiness, impatience, laziness, taking offense, arrogance based on intellect, and/or they were duped by Satan.

Where does that leave me? As an impatient, lazy, arrogant, offended, grossly sinful dupe.

But what if that's not true? What if I left for legitimate reasons? I know it's hard to accept because it means they might be wrong, but Jesus has told us time and time again that the truth will make us free.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to make clear the reasons I did NOT leave the church:

1. My life contains a laundry list of mistakes and regrets, just like yours, but I haven't become a swinger, I'm not a drunk or a drug addict, and my morals have not changed. If anything, my morals are more cemented by my choice to discover and live them than one who is moral under duress. I have not committed gross sin; there is no blood on my hands. And just FYI, having a cup of coffee is not gross sin.
2. I have not been impatient for my Moroni 10:4 answer. I have tried over and over again for decades with complete sincerity, begging to know that the BoM is "true", and God has not seen fit to answer me. Until recently I had concluded that that was either because God didn't love me, or that God did not think I was a soul worth answering. Needless to say, as a result my self-esteem has never been good. The truth is, God hasn't sent an answer...and if he sent it to me in some "other" way, as has been argued before, what good is an answer that I can't understand?
3. I admit, I'm incredibly lazy in many areas of my life. That said, my pursuit of truth (using the LDS Moroni 10:4 truth test) has probably been more intense than your own. I am also perfectly happy and willing to live any way that God might expect, including wearing a burqa, if I had to. He hasn't told me what he expects. The way I live is not for the sake of self-indulgence or being too lazy to keep the commandments. I just don't believe the LDS gospel has very many legitimate commandments to keep.
4. I think most intellectuals are considered arrogant and instantly given a bad name for being intellectual...rather like wealthy people are given a bad name for having spent decades slowly acquiring their wealth. There is a fine line between intellectualism and arrogance, and in some ways, arrogance is important in an intellectual; it drives them to learn more, discover more, and become more. But the reality is, I don't consider myself a true intellectual. I consider myself someone with an overpowering desire to acquire knowledge and seek truth. If truth-seeking is arrogant, I am arrogant indeed, but I think the idea of arrogance is misapplied in circumstances of truth-seeking. The earnest seeker of truth is incredibly humble, willing to discard outmoded and outdated ideas as required. I seek truth. I may never find it. I'm okay with that, as long as I'm seeking, open to new ideas, and developing.
5. I have been offended MANY, MANY TIMES by the church, its doctrines, its leadership, and its membership. It never, ever caused me to leave the church because I understand that the gospel and the people are two different things. The gospel can be perfect while the people can be idiots. I understand that. It just turns out that the gospel is not perfect, is not of God, and I'm done with it. It's not the people. Amazing Mormons are still amazing, and asinine Mormons are still asinine...bless all their hearts.
6. How do you argue with "duped by Satan"? I mean, when all else fails, call on the supernatural Bad Guy to explain someone's lunacy! I can't argue over the bad guy tempter that I can't see, hear, touch, smell, or taste; somehow, even though I cannot see, hear, touch, smell, or taste him, he got to me. He persuaded me to accept lies as a bulk of evidence and not a giant CYA for the church; he duped me. 

The reality is that I leave the church of my own free will and choice. I choose to use my agency to walk away from a gospel that, in my mind, has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be a farce.

People will continue to think of me what they wish, but I hope that, for the sake of all those of us leaving a religion, those who continue to practice it might be willing to consider that maybe, just maybe, the person walking away has actually put some serious thought into their decision. Maybe, just maybe, they've been willing to take the hard road because of their convictions, not because of their laziness or sinfulness.

You can't force someone to believe something they don't believe. I don't believe in the church, and I have good reasons not to. Please understand me anyway.