My Husband's Journey

My husband has struggled watching me, and then struggled beside me, and though I cannot pretend to know all the thoughts in his head and heart, I read another man's exit story today, and could not shake the feeling that it might've been my husband who'd written it. Like yesterday's letter to potential female missionaries, I absolutely had to share it, for more reasons than I care to explain. So again, without further ado, I give you "The Collapse of My Shelf."

A Witness and a Warning?

A friend came to me today about a meeting yesterday between her husband and our bishop. (We'll call my friend Addie and her husband Seth for ease of reference, and because she doesn't want her name used lest someone think she was criticizing her leaders.)

See, Seth has been overseas for the last few months with his job, and now he's home. He apparently went in to see the bishop yesterday, to let him know he's home for a while, and to make clear to the bishop that he's available to serve.

That was when the bishop told Seth that it has come to his attention that Addie and I are friends...and then Bishop told Seth that he needed to forbid Addie from spending time with me at all costs, lest I destroy her testimony.

Ooooooooh, where to begin?! There are so many things wrong with that, I almost don't know where to start!

But first I should offer the bishop an out: he has been in a very long time, and he is clearly horribly burned out. Knowing what is involved in being a bishop, I cannot blame him.

That said, our bishop is also a notorious narcissist and a misogynist. He thinks amazingly highly of himself, and has painfully little respect for women.

Oh, and...I intimidate the hell out of him. I'm young, female, attractive, confident, well-educated, opinionated, and I have made it clear in the past that I am not impressed by the blustery, long-winded, self-aggrandizing writings on his want-to-be apologist blog.

Soooooo...let's start with a repeat: the bishop told Seth that Addie and I are friends...and that Seth needed to forbid Addie from spending time with me, lest I destroy her testimony.

Why the bloody hell is bishop interfering in ward members' friendships? Worse, why would he attempt to prevent an apostate from receiving the love and understanding of a good friend? STAY...OUT.

Also...if he's so concerned about Addie, why is he talking to Seth and not Addie? Why not call in Addie and talk to her directly???

Next..................FORBID?! Her husband needs to FORBID her...ANYTHING?! I'm sorry, I didn't realize Seth was Addie's FATHER...or that Addie, now 40-something, had the intellectual and emotional friend-selecting abilities of a 4 year-old. FORBID HER. ................. My butt.

Finally...I'll destroy her testimony? Really? Does he imagine she is so weak-minded that one lunch date with me could send her spiraling straight down into crazy rabid apostasy? Or that I have so much Satanic Power that being in my very presence will turn her? Or maybe that my goal is the deconversion of every Mormon, first in the ward, and then in the world!!! [Insert maniacal witch laugh here.]

Okay, it's true: I wouldn't necessarily object to every Mormon in the world waking up to the truth...or single-handedly exposing the church so that they'd have to come clean to their membership, thereby offering the membership all the facts about the church's history and current finances so that members could make a more informed decision about their beliefs.

But I am certainly not out to hijack anyone's faith. We all have a path, and far be it from me to attempt to sway anyone against their desire to believe.

Additionally, I lack the power to convince anyone of anything. I cannot change someone's mind about their faith, cannot make them believe or make them not believe. That is up to them. They have the freedom to choose, the freedom to study, and the freedom to ignore and apply cognitive dissonance, if they so choose. It really doesn't matter what I say...which is why this blog and my book are not intended for active Mormons. It's intended to be relate-able to former members, and instructive to non-members about the perils of indoctrination.

I can't change anyone. That's up to the person.

I can't change Addie. I don't WANT to change Addie. She's my friend, and I love her as she is...which, right now, is Mormon. I'd also love her if she wasn't Mormon. I just love ADDIE. Great lady.

I do not, however, love our bishop. I haven't been to church in the last 6 months, and do you know how many times he has called, emailed, stopped by, or sent anyone to check on us (other than men to collect fast offerings)?

Exactly NONE. Not ONE. He has never once asked me why I haven't come around, never once talked to me about my testimony, never once checked to see if even my children are okay. NOT...ONCE.

But he HAS advocated that Seth prevent Addie from being my friend. He has shown an utter lack of respect for not one but two women, and proved himself a complete misogynist. He has also shown me exactly how badly I intimidate him.

I wish I could say I was surprised...but I can't. Bishop has made abundantly clear his opinion of me and the degree to which he fears me, and frankly, I'm thrilled that he's stayed away.

Now if I could just get him to stay the hell out of my friendships...

I'll Never Run Out of Things to Say!

When I was getting ready to publish my book, I'm (No Longer) a Mormon, my husband asked if I'd like to hold off a little longer...not because he was worried about my going public (since Regina is an alias), but because over the last few months I've added a considerable number of fun tidbits to the book as I remember them.

He had a good point, really; there is always more to say, and apparently always more to discover. After all, I still haven't reached the bottom of the rabbit hole, and I'm already in Hell's sub-basement #7. (I have a feeling that, after I read An Insider's View of Mormonism, currently on order from Amazon, I'll reach sub-basement #8. Looking forward to finally hitting magma, I gotta tell ya.)

And since he was right, I had to do something that would allow me to publish the book and still add to it...hence this blog. I seriously doubt I'll ever run out of things to say, because I seriously doubt I'll ever be so far from the church (thanks to family member-members) that I won't have a related opinion or experience to share...at least occasionally.

Yes, I may wind down after a while, I may lighten up, I may hit magma and spontaneously combust...but I'm really, really hoping I stick with this. I want this blog to become a resource for your average Jane and Joe leaving the church, and for your average Jane and Joe who know people leaving the church. And I'm optimistic. After all, I kept a Mormon journal for YEARS; why not a blog?

If YOU have something to say, please do so! This is an open forum, and I'd love to read your thoughts, good, bad, or indifferent. In the meantime, though, thank you. Thank you for visiting, thank you for relating, and thank you for caring.

More soon...definitely.

A Little Busy...

Sorry, I'll be posting more and more regularly soon, but you can imagine I've been just a little busy with the publishing bit. I'm currently working on a "Christian" version of the book (you know, sans four-letter words!) and getting established on facebook, but a friend recently shared a youtube video with me, and I HAD to pass it along.

You see, I'm floundering terribly in my beliefs right now (whatever they are!), and this video seemed as close to what I'm able to accept and understand about God for the moment, meaning that, at least for the time being, I think I'm a Pantheist. (Click on the word for the video link.) I was thinking Humanist, maybe Deist...but this video describes where I am, and if that's a Pantheist, then that's me!

Enjoy, and please feel free to comment any time! 'Gina

So Here We Are, Just You and Me, Computer Screen!

Yup. No one knows about this blog yet. No one knows about my BOOK yet, outside of the dozen or so people who have already read it. I'm preparing to self-publish, you see...after being informed by a very publish-heavy book agent that as much as he would love to publish a slap-in-the-face to the Mormon Church, no one - NO ONE - in the publishing world will touch it. He said the Mormons have too much political power to piss them off. If I want to publish, I'll have to do what every other "open up the skeleton closet" ex-member has done, which is to self-publish...but if I DO self-publish, to let him know; he'd buy a copy.

Wow. Okay, then. That places a massive task before me. But why pursue it? Why bother? Because I honestly think that my life's experience (not my "life story", but my experiences as related to the church) demonstrates the psychological damage of Mormonism to an average human being. (Yes, I believe I am THAT screwed up because of the church, and I make no bones about it.) (No, really, THAT screwed up.) (And I have a major guilt complex, but if you've read my book, you'd know that...)

But here I am. Because about a year ago, an uber-liberal upstate New York friend challenged me to find a cause I believed in...and when I started to really, truly question my faith - to realize how important it was to hold my childhood faith up to the same skepticism I showed other beliefs - I had maybe two friends in the world I could talk to about it, and I feared losing them daily. This has required a complete mental and emotional overhaul...30-some years into life. Your reality was, since I was in my mother's womb, my worst fear. Entering reality tears you down in ways you could not have imagined, but buoys you with a remarkable hope for mankind's evolution. I'd say "All are One, Praise God!", but you would likely have NO CLUE what I mean yet. (Not that I find myself a genius by any stretch, but I think Carl Sagan would smile at my meaning.)

So this is my Star Trek-style "continuing mission", but in my case, continuing journey. (Sorry, it's the geek in me.) You'll get regular-ish updates on the weird inner-workings of my head, and I will attempt to read and respond to comments and to make sure ALL posts, pro or con, that are not attacking (either side!) will be approved. That said, I am a wife and mother and don't always have the time, AND I will not approve any posts that attack EITHER side. Please be civil and courteous, and keep your language appropriate.

By the way, I'm interested to see if and when anybody finds me, so if you see this, could you please comment with a "read it!" comment? Much obliged!

More soon, and I sincerely thank you for your understanding and support,
Regina

PS: No, Regina is not my real name. Yes, you could probably figure it out if you tried. Please don't try. There are reasons that this is anonymous, not the least of which is my family. Thank you.