More from Mr. Birrell

Man, I love this guy. Yes, he'll wax a little philosophic (and a little poetic), but this spoke to my soul, and I wanted to share. Happy Halloween with something COMPLETELY unrelated! ;)

There is an evolution to pecking out of the egg and coming into the light. Imagine the effect on the chick of having something happen that it can hardly comprehend, as cracks in the shell become avenues for the first experience of new light to begin to impose itself upon the old darkness the chick never knew was darkness until experiencing more....it did not know what it did not know; how could it?

Then the pieces slowly fell away, and something strange--a new light--now blinded the chick, yet still it pecked until it could escape that which now is impossible to contain itself, and yet was also so indispensable to developing itself.

Why would the chick, then, curse the shell or shadow that may have held it captive, and necessarily so until that bright day when it was strong enough to escape the shell, dry in the sun, spread its wings, and in the new light consider itself and say.....so, this is me; this is who I am!

Be kind to the darkness then that was your embryonic phase to the person you are now, and would not give up being today; it's OK that we all cursed the darkness at times that held us in until we were ready, like that marvelous scene at the end of the movie--Gravity--to kick off the very suit that felt weightless and saved us in one moment of our lives, and became heavy and would have drown us in another.

In the moment of frustration, while holding her breath, Sandra Bullock's character surely cursed that heavy space suit under water that moments earlier had saved her life in space. And so it is with the journey of life, when one comes to know the earth for the first time...and old skins must be kicked off to survive the rapid change in the landscape of our lives.

And like her character uttered, as she grabbed a hand full of earth as if feeling it for the first time--as if feeling really, fully alive for the first time, the only sentiment left to say; a simple but says-it-all....thank you! I got through all that alive, somehow. All that came apart in my orbit and threatened me could not, in the end, destroy me.

I am OK. Maybe I am not sure where I am in the sometimes disoriented here or now of adjustment and change, but I am not alone! Neither am I unchanged. Neither would I go back into that space again---nor can I, given that the same shrapnel that brought me out remain in that orbit.

And all of this is reason for joy! And no one, no one....will ever understand the journey that got you there or out of there, or the courage it took you to survive that coming apart--borrowing again from the movie Gravity, and the falling to earth that freed you to be OK in a whole new way, landing in an unfamiliar place, and in tact as a much preferred you!

So you broke the Mormon gravity; get your legs under you now and walk with head high, heart full, for both the embryonic confinement of the Mormon experience, and for the personal confidence it took to break free of its gravitational pull....

There is no need to curse the old, any more than the chick needs to curse the shell or the darkness it knew in that place, or the astronaut the factors that forced an unexpected path change from orbiting earth to knowing earth in ways you could not have known, otherwise.

And yes, like in the movie, there are loses along the way, but even those were part of what got you to here when you needed them to be just who they were to keep you moving forward.

Even the darkest echoes from those still in the shell, and who have yet to know that light--let alone that they walk in darkness at noon day--deserve not our cursing, but rather call forth our deepest kindness for what they have yet to experience, until some strange force may begin to act on them--perhaps the shrapnel coming at them from things in their own lives coming apart (as in the movie, given that the actors did not create the problem in the script but were none the less affected by it), and they instinctively begin pecking.....

And cannot stop.....they just cannot stop.....(you know that feeling)...and the new light blinds them, and they initially curse those who brought them to the light (or the light to them)--like someone waking a sleeping man on a dark morning with a bright room light...

In that moment they may exclaim--turn off the light, you are blinding me.....

...from their anger, while covering their eyes, being more comfortable with the darkness they know as light....

...before one is ready to begin their awakening!

[Editorial note: If you've not seen Gravity yet...leave off RIGHT NOW and go see it!]

 
Where we threaten the Church is that our wisdom points to people in exile being OK in their humanity and divinity, rather than making all that conditioned upon allegiance to external authority and upon a God that is not as accessible as he is perceptual or theoretical in the faith narrative.

God is not a narrative; God is an inner experience that, if transposed to narrative, becomes lost in human limitations of thought and word....God is lost to a world that seeks to name God, rather than just experience it--the God, that is, that lives within, however you explain the God narrative to yourself.

I am always pleased when my friends who have journeyed beyond the walls of Mormonism discover that they are still OK, that there is meaningful life beyond the wall, and that they do not encounter an offended God who whips them with trials until they retreat again behind the wall for institutional forgiveness and personal refuge from his eternal rage.

After all, do not the Gods--as explained by their own inventions--invent humans to meet their needs to be eternally adored and absolutely obeyed?

How little humans change, only how they tell the stories and mythologies of their lives to themselves....of which their perceptual gods are a part....and, truly, a necessary and beneficial part, when well played....

The gods of men are so like that, because men are like that; the only god that can be known by any man is the god he is; thus, god is but a self-perception and projection, except to the one who is convinced of the thoughts of his own mind, and whose mind rules over him because he refuses to examine those thoughts, or empty himself of thoughts about God, so that a better God might meet him in an open inner landscape of possibility!

Man believes the god he has because he believes in the god he is. To the loving, god/reality is experienced and explained in loving ways; their imaginations of God have been captured by grace and love, and they speak of life and God in such adoring and supporting terms.

To the legalistic, god/reality is experienced and explained in those terms; assigned rituals, sacraments, ordinances, and obediences become evidences of God's love for us, and our devotion is reciprocated by attending to such things with something named perfection.

To the authoritarian, god/reality is absolute power; absolute love is surrendered to (and often confused with) absolute human authority; human authority is the institutional God, incarnate--whether by mine own voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same; and servants sitting in seats of power and judgment come to believe their own voice as the same; think church courts, and how these disciplinary courts are named "love" by those who conduct them.

From that power place of taking oneself so seriously/sincerely, men who lead from authority still practice the blood atonement in theory, when they encounter the wicked and wish for their punishment--be they of the wrong sexual orientation, religion, expression, or persuasion, or inclination.....there is always a way for the right(eous)to make the sinner wrong, and exile them when they fall short, as all sinners do!

Don't ask these types to love you unconditionally; they are too busy numbering the hairs that fall from your head, and finding some way to assess all that through some right(eous) precept within their hyper-vigilant minds, as god's self-appointed watchmen and defenders, and such....they are, as I have experienced, the least teachable, because they are too busy measuring where everyone else is (or isn't) right, based on the high standards they know; based on the high standard they think they are; based on their own unquestioned sense of rightness.

The only god we know, then, is the god we are.....if there be an ultimate and infinite presence called God, it would be incomprehensible to the human mind, and a terrible antagonist to the very human-will it created to become, as the Mormon scripture says, its very enemy (the natural man being an enemy to the very God who created that nature). God, I suppose, needed a lover and an enemy in us; how erratic and erotic is such a narrative of God!

And so it seems, as the saying goes, God created man in his image, and then man returned the favor!

Our natures, being God's named enemy, is a frightful construct; you have no power against the all powerful. Even worse, God created an invisible enemy who he cast below to torment us, in order to prove us....because he does not have all the facts.

He can only send the rats to the lab and see how they perform when faced with a human nature he both created and despises, and an enemy he apparently advises (think Job), and all within a saving plan that minimizes the god experience to such mantras as: pay, pray, and obey, rather than trust, love, and seek--as a means of individual expansion, rather than institutional domination. In short, the God experience can never be more than an evolving personal narrative. Some tell that narrative within the framework of a relationship with an institutional church it confuses as God, while others must tell that narrative from a greater distance. Either way, it's all narrative; it's all personal; it's all OK.

The wisdom of healing, and of giving other people permission to be OK being them from this place of exile, is that as they make the exodus, they need not look back and turn to salt. In other words, they need to stop looking at TBMs to make them OK, to give them permission to be OK being them as they exile.

As I stated in this post, there is no TBM who has any way to be OK with the exile of a loved one they had hoped and struggled to prepare for an eternal glory with. Stop asking TBMs to make it OK for you to be you in exile. You ask too much of their mindsets, and you ask for what simply cannot be--unless you are fortunate enough to be loved without conditions by the TBMs in your life--either way, then, you do not need permission to be OK being you in exile from TBMs, for either you already have that permission because they are TBMs who actually can love radically, or you won't ever get it, because they have no way to love that big--because their god and salvation are just too limited.

It is more important to you, now and always, that you love you that BIG. That is your job. That is your job alone, to make certain you are well-loved within. Please know that your journey is not about gaining approval from others, but knowing in ways other cannot access, the greater wisdom that whispers outside the temple walls as well as within, that it is still well with my soul....

No one, no one has your inner spiritual GPS system, because they are not called--if you will--to walk your perfect path in life! They can only project their own "true" onto your path and search.

Oh what we can teach our TBMs if we can be the love to them we so often desire--and even demand--from them. Stop asking people to love you for who you are now; you don't have that right to demand that they love you at all, let alone love you any certain way. Love is always a gift.

So just presence to them a God, spirit, grace, love, whatever language you use, so profound that in time they willingly confront their limited ways of knowing and experiencing. They may have no way to comprehend how any of us could be OK outside the wall. They have no framework from this place of possibility and accessibility to the God we are and know now!

 Just a PS. I actually believe it is the emptying out of the theistic mind, or as faiths call it--to be as a child or the beginner's mind--that is the beginning of experiencing the "surprise" of God, or this idea of God as radical inner experience, not outer theological explanation.

From deep within metaphor, symbolism, and parable, we find within our perceptual language through which the notion of the Divine and Eternal speak to us.

It is like the beautiful symbolism and metaphor of Peter walking on the waves with Christ. Imagine what it took to let go, metaphorically speaking, and trust the inner faith necessary to walk on water, knowing full well the impossibility of such a thing.

Juxtapose that with the boat, in which his fellows both rode and trusted. Such different paths of faith, those are; religion is the boat, while something that allows us to walk on water is a different experience of the inner God that we are. And you cannot access the faith to walk on water if your faith is in boats!

Once accessed, once one realizes the faith to walk away from the boat, because they can, and because doing so brings them to the God of the impossible or the radical inner spiritual life, then what is to become of boat/religion? One becomes an (and in) exile, their relationship with the boat that brought them now forever changed....

The radical experience of God, cannot be known in the possible; it is the impossible God who comes to introduce those emptied out and ready to meet God on God's terms.

The rest are theists, awaiting their salvation on man's terms. They are the boat riders who trust in boats; the rest are water walkers who let go of boats and walk away....

And in the acts of climbing out and letting go, water walkers must unavoidably become boat rockers!

 My imperfections are part of the perfection all things are; I am perfectly experiencing the illusion of imperfection--and it is only an illusion; things are as they are--that is reality. To argue against reality is always a painful experience.

Reality, then, is but imperfection in perfect order of perfection. It is what it is; without judging an experience or thing, it becomes, therefore, nothing to judge or be bothered by, or in other words, nothing--nothingness....and nothingness is perfection in fullness! Nothingness is openness.

Nothingness as openness creates space for gratefulness....or the joy of living without all the illusions or stories that run like TV reruns over and over in our minds, until we see that, they, too, are nothing....

Sonia, what is spirituality, then, if not another name for reality?

What if you looked at the notion of experiencing spirituality as a way of thinking about reality, including, therefore, any notion of what we might experience (and name) as God?

What if God is merely a name given to describe the indescribable, or an attempt by finite human minds to grapple with the idea that something has to be larger than itself? Otherwise, it might have to confess itself as God; and in the very act of determining there must be something larger than itself, it is being that larger-than-self God. God cannot, therefore, be known apart from the mind and body. We are the God we know; the rest is imagination, and that, too is of the mind. There is not reality outside our minds; there is no God outside our thoughts of God. God, then, is also nothingness, and from that place of nothingness comes possibility; God, then, is nothing and everything!

What if God means something beyond the evolving historical arguments of theists, originally formed from once indescribable inner experiences (Saul becoming Paul after unexpectedly experiencing Jesus on the road to Damascus), now distilled into empty (of transforming power) theologies by rote theologians--stuck in the arrogance (and identity) of certainty, whose theologies over time should empty mature believers out of belief--as these theological propositions/dogmas collapse in on themselves, as all dogmas eventually do (how many Mormon doctrines have changed over time that were God's only and unchanging truth at the time they were defined as such--blood atonement, Blacks and priesthood, polygamy etc.).

What a gift eventual doubt and (hopefully) inevitable unbelief become, then, if they empty us out of the human forms of explaining God. The emptying is only opening us wide to the gentle and transformational, mystical and magical forms of experiencing God--radical and unimaginable experiences we are now open to, and which captivate us and steal away our breath, while filling us with endless wonder in terms that cannot be explained, only experienced.

I experienced this today while sitting at Starbucks. I was caught up in the magic of escaping my mind and just being with the most eclectic group of people who all came in together. One sat with me and shared who they were: a support group for recovering addicts. With no mind to judge them, but just an openness to experience them, I sat captivated by their diversity, astonishing diversity that screamed unbelievable beauty to me.

My God, they were so beautiful. I nearly cried, as I looked at these people in their different forms and faces, genders and graciousness. I was overcome by the splendid energy, different personalities, and beautiful ways in which each one was perfect at being just what they are--themselves!

That was a holy moment for me, because I recognized myself in all of them; I was in oneness with the entire scene--and that oneness....became wholeness....which was experienced as holiness....

It was God I was experiencing, or the perfection of all that was happening around me (God being all things in oneness), as I just observed from that inner still and gentle place of love and joy, and it consumed me with gratitude, as I spoke my encouragement and praise for all that these people had experienced and overcome in their tribe of support.

I may have surrendered my former religious mindsets, but I never sacrificed my spiritual sensitivities or deep desires.....oh no, they burn even hotter in me now for others....for closeness...for oneness....with all that is.....

And so it is, we need tribes of support. Religion provides that in many ways; exile too often isolates us from one another--so I am glad the exiles gather here. For even the Zebra are wise enough to graze in tribal patterns that make it impossible for the lion to distinguish one from another. And when the bush fire rages they ban together and run into the fire, together.

Yes, some are scarred, but all survive, because they run through the fire--as one, not away from it; they gather and not scatter when the fire rages. So it is in life; the fire that devoured our past faith was necessary for us to experience the new undergrowth; new wine cannot be poured into old bottles. So I say to exiles, come...graze with me....come...run with me....come....know the me you are! Come, dance with my soul....

Such is the spiritual community of oneness, and it has nothing to do with theism, but pragmatism--and instinct.

What if nature is our true scripture, our true order of knowing and teaching? What if man posits his theories, but nature teaches us how to be. If we could empty out of explanations, oh what we would be open to experience....

And that to me explains reality; and from that place, reality is a spiritual experience! And that definition works to keep me out of pain and into joy. Why leave Mormonism from pain, and then stay in that pain? Heal, fellow exiles....

A life once defined by Mormonism is still defined that way, when our minds cannot escape our war with it....no matter how long we have been apart from it!

And that disrupted mind, too--as I see it--is also in the service of the spirituality of reality! For in time the troubled thinker will see that it is the story they have told themselves about Mormonism they are fighting, not Mormonism. Mormonism is just what it is. Either it works for you or it doesn't; either you'll stay or you'll go, or some variation of both.

Either (or any) way Mormonism, too, is nothing when no longer judged! Then gratitude can replace the suffering....and life can move beyond that former school to new possibilities and introduce us to new teachers! What is more spiritual than that reality?

Telling it Like it is

A friend shared this quote on facebook this morning, though without an attribution. It's too good and too spot-on to not share, so if anyone knows who said it or where it came from, please let me know! I did a search and couldn't figure out where it came from.

Enjoy! 'Gina

"One of the problems with Mormonism is that it doesn't just guide you through life. It wraps it's tentacles around your very definition of self. The church tells you how to live, who to be, where to donate your time and talents, it defines your morals for you, tells you what you want in a spouse, where you want to marry, what underwear to choose, how to live nearly every aspect of your life. Your ideal life is directed for you, instead of coming from someplace inside of you.

I read in a book recently, a letter from a woman to her boyfriend, apologizing for her obsessive, manipulative behavior saying "I was taught growing up that I was nothing without a man - without a husband and children. The man I married would define my life." She went on to break up with her boyfriend, saying she wouldn't be good with him til she found out who she was. How true was this for so many who pass through Mormonism? You are defined by who you marry, especially if you are a woman. Your choices and accomplishments are applauded if they are for the glory of Mormonism but dismissed or derided if they are not - no matter how much those decisions reflect the real you. I "belong" to the church of Jesus Christ ... It becomes your identity. They OWN you.

When that much of you is invested in any one thing, career, accomplishments, looks, religion, losing it shakes the very foundation of your soul. Who ARE you, if not LDS? What do YOU want? How do you know when you have never had to figure that out for yourself, except on the most shallow level? When there is no one to tell you how to be and who you are, how do you even begin to figure that out? To some extent, it's a relief. But it's also a very real loss. For Mormons to think we'd throw away so much of ourselves because we are offended is outrageous. It's a huge sacrifice we go through because our honor and integrity mean more to us than anything.

That loss of identity is also why Mormons find us so threatening. Our disbelief strikes at the very core of who they are and how they define themselves. Some people aren't ready to face the fact - not that the church isn't true but that they themselves aren't true. Devastating as it's been in many aspects, I'd rather face a complete rebuild than live a lie. But that's just me. Other people can't bear the thought.

It's ironic one of Mormons favorite Primary songs is "The wise man built his house upon a rock - the foolish man built his house upon the sand." Instead of knocking down their house and rebuilding on a rock, they shore up their shifting sands beach home, endlessly, with whatever junk they find."

10 Reasons to Protect Your Children from Mormonism

A woman from our ward sent an email the other day "because she was concerned about my kids." She actually said, and I quote, "I hope you're still teaching them that the gospel is true, even though you may not believe it anymore." 

................. Well, of COURSE I am, lady! I mean, why would I teach them to think for themselves, to reason logically, and to test out the efficacy of Joseph/Brigham/Thomas's claims when I could just teach them to believe? I mean, I clearly don't believe it, but that doesn't make it untrue! 

So after noting the above on facebook, I then wrote the following: "Gee whiz. What the heck do you say to that?"

The replies were hysterical, mostly stating that I should've told her to kiss off, but one gent sent a fabulous link that I HAD to share. This is from the blog of one Chris Tolworthy, who himself notes at the top that most of his blog entries were back during his "angry" phase of disaffection, but it makes this particular entry no less awesome.

Check it out HERE, and for heaven's sake, protect your kids from Mormonism!!!

A Friend's Exit Story

I don't know about you, but I LOVE ex-Mormon exit stories. We all have one that's dramatically different from everyone else's...and yet they're all so amazingly the same.

This one comes from an anonymous former Mormon who has been through a number of inconceivable struggles, and I feel incredibly privileged that she allowed me to read it, let alone share it with you. I do so because she has suffered in ways that perhaps some of you can relate to and understand better than I can, and we all need to know someone else has been there.

So without any further ado: An Amazing Exit Experience.

LEAVING THE BOX 

I was born & raised LDS, a sixth generation Mormon, a direct descendant of Parley P. Pratt (a yucky man) on one side. I am the fourth of five children. My Dad was a convert to the church early in my parents' marriage and they were sealed in the temple long before I was ever born. My childhood was sheltered but generally good. I mostly grew up in Idaho but we lived in Utah some too. I was a very "good girl" - I tried really hard to do what was right & to be obedient.

I think the first time I remember having a question about the church was when I was eight yrs. old. I remember asking my Mom if I had to get baptized or could I wait. I told her I didn't KNOW the church was true. She was shocked at my question, & I was baptized but not necessarily by my own choice. Note: I don't blame my parents for anything, so keep that in mind as you read. I think they did the best they could do based on what they knew & believed at the time.

Growing up, I never really fit in with the other kids my age. I was VERY SHY, quiet & introverted. When I was 16 I got my Patriarchal Blessing. I didn't tell anyone what it said. The following Sunday I was waiting in the hallway of the church with all of the other YW to go to YW's classes. Apparently we all had our blessings done around the same time, because the other girls were talking about what their blessings said. I was shocked to discover that mine was exactly WORD FOR WORD the same as theirs! I was so angry! I told my Mom that Heavenly Father must not care about me very much or I would have a blessing that was just for me, instead of having one that was generic! She told me that if we are righteous we are all entitled to the same blessings. She couldn't really console me at all on this topic & I never forgot this.

I did four years of Seminary; I was my Seminary teacher's prize student. I read the Book of Mormon many times, prayed hard, & got no answer about its truthfulness. My Seminary teacher told me that the reason I didn't get the burning in the bosom was because (& I quote), "You ALREADY KNOW IT'S TRUE!!" For some odd reason that made me feel special.

When I was 18 I married someone I really did not know. He was a so-called "worthy Priesthood holder" who wanted me to be a stay-at-home wife & bear his children. He told me he had a revelation that I was to marry him (he'd had "a vision".) When I was eight (he was 16) he told me that if my sister wouldn't marry him, he wanted me to marry him. Boy was I flattered, as a little kid, I didn't know that was just nasty & weird!! However, it stayed in my brain. Growing up, I heard my Mom talk about how wonderful this guy was & how she'd love to have him as a son-in-law some day. (Again, I don't blame her.) I was a people-pleaser, so you can guess how this affected me.

My ex’s Stake president referred to him as a "spiritual giant" & had told him he would one day be a stake president himself. (That didn't happen.) I mention this because a lot of people were fooled by my ex. When we married, he was 26, divorced, & had two kids. (His ex-wife was a convert who had realized she was gay, so she left him & the church.) He sexually assaulted me a few days before we married but I was scared & very embarrassed so I didn't tell a soul. I thought it must have been my fault somehow. I felt OBLIGATED to marry him because of this, because I was not clean & pure anymore. We went to the Temple & were sealed. I felt very UNWORTHY, but he didn't even feel bad about what he did. I was surprised that when we went into the Temple no one had a revelation that he was unworthy!! I cried all night long on my pathetic sealing night, knowing I had made a big mistake in marrying him, but I was too scared to tell anyone. This was the beginning of a 16 year long marriage to an abusive, horrible, con-man. He was abusive to me in every possible way, emotionally, physically, economically, & sexually.

We moved right after we were married & I got pregnant 3 months later. He lost his job 4 months after we married, & didn't try to get another job. We were dirt poor, & I mean poorer than most people ever experience here in the USA. We had no phone, one barely working car, no money, no food, & on top of that, I had never been away from my family before so I suffered horrible home sickness. We lived in a literal shack (rent $40 a month) that was condemned & torn down after we moved out of it.

I went to my Bishop and confessed my sexual "sins" (of being sexually assaulted) during a temple recommend interview. I took full responsibility for what my ex had done to me, as if it were my fault, & the Bishop never really knew the TRUTH of what happened. My ex didn’t want me to talk to anyone about anything that he perceived as private.

I had my first baby in 1992 at age 19. I had my second baby two yrs. later at 21. Then at 22, my step-kids moved in with us. I had never even met them before (they were ages nine & seven at the time) because their Mom had moved away & kept the kids away from my ex. He hadn’t seen them in 4.5 years. I was too young to be raising four kids, & I didn't know what I was doing. It was really hard on me. My ex was abusive to the kids as well as to me - I saved them several times from being beaten half to death by him. (There were a few times I thought he was going to kill his kids.)

I was pregnant a total of ten times; I miscarried five times. I had priesthood blessings that stated the babies/pregnancies would be healthy & well... blah blah blah…. only to lose half of them. I really started to question the power of the Priesthood, however, thanks to the double-bind, I believed I must not be righteous enough for those blessings!!! Of course, it was my fault somehow, right??

In 1999 my firstborn child was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I asked for a blessing of healing for her from the missionaries, who told me they could not do it, & I needed to ask my Home Teachers. I asked the Home Teachers, who would not give her a blessing of healing, but he just asked for “God's will to be done”. My Dad & some other P. holders gave her a blessing, but again, all they said was, “God's will be done” (not blessing her to be healed). Then the Stake President said he had a revelation that it was her time to go. I just remember thinking that if these men REALLY had the ability to heal AS CHRIST DID, WHY would they not use that power to save a six year old whose faith was purer than anyone else's??? (She never doubted she'd be healed & never once complained.) I came to the conclusion that the reason they didn't do it was because they COULDN'T do it. Jesus didn't say "no" to anyone when people asked Him for a healing. He didn't tell people it was their time to go! My daughter died at age six & it changed my life forever. I never believed 100% in the church after that, I felt for the first time that I really didn't KNOW anything, & it scared the living hell out of me. My Patriarchal blessing did not have ONE SINGLE THING in it to help me through my daughter's death. Not one. And I combed through it over and over again, just looking for one little thing to comfort me.

I really wanted a divorce after my daughter died. I went to my many different bishops throughout the years as we moved around, they all told me I needed to work out my marriage & try to be a BETTER WIFE (even after my ex had hit me in the face!). I had a Stake President who told me that it would be a sin for me to leave my husband & that we did NOT NEED LOVE to make our marriage work!! After years of suffering I stopped talking to anyone about what was going on at home. Most people had no idea.

My ex was called to be a counselor to the Bishop in the second to last ward we were in. I told the Bishop I didn't think he was worthy of being a Counselor & he said, "All the wives say that!" (Wow, really? Maybe someone should start listening to the wives! Maybe they know something!!) I really thought it was nuts that no one ever had any inspiration or revelation about my ex, he was respected & liked (he is an amazing manipulator) up until the last ward we were in together. When we first moved to that ward we had a really good Bishop (who was released from that calling during our six years there). I think that Bishop could see my ex wasn't such a Peter Priesthood. He also listened to me when I told him I was tired of Primary callings. (I had taught nursery/primary for most of my married church years.)

All of these things led me in the direction that would eventually get me out of the church. In 2005 I was pregnant with my fifth child & doing three callings. This was the ward we lived in the longest, & for the first time ever I wasn't working in the Primary. I taught the 12 & 13 year old Sunday school class (averaging 15-22 kids a week), visiting teaching, & taught the Enrichment lessons once a month. (I think there was one more calling but I can't remember what it was now.) Our NEW Bishop (not the one I liked) called me to play the piano in RS at this time. I felt that God had nothing to do with callings. If God was involved He would know I couldn't handle four+ callings on top of being pregnant, raising four kids (my oldest step-child had moved out by this time), & being completely miserable in my marriage! I didn't think Mormon men had access to any revelation at this point.

Right around this time, my Mom had told me about a book she thought I should read called An Insider's View of Mormon Origins by Grant Palmer. (My youngest brother had recommended it to her.) I thought if the church is really true it won't matter what I read because if the church is "true", it will still be true! I think I was on chapter three in this book when I realized I was DONE being a Mormon! My ex resigned with me June of 2005. He wasn't doing his callings anymore, he was skipping classes & flirting with other women in the hallway during meetings (always a habit of his), & he was tired of being pressured to do his callings. We resigned five months before my last baby was born.

Also around this same time my step-son was caught molesting my daughter so my ex kicked him out of the house (he sent him to live with his mother). The Bishop & the whole ward sided with the step-son, saying that I was lying about what had happened & that I was just trying to destroy his testimony! I found out that the other LDS kids, including the Bishop’s kids, were harassing my daughter on the school bus telling her she was lying, & she was just trying to cause trouble for my step-son! Interesting but I never heard any slander towards my ex, it was just ALL MY FAULT.

After resigning from the church, I went to non-LDS therapy on my own, against my ex's wishes, & ten months after I started therapy, I realized I wasn't a crazy person & my ex WAS abusive (& it wasn’t MY FAULT!). I left him, everything WE owned, & I moved back home where my parents live. I got on an airplane with my four daughters, only $200 to my name, our clothes, & left everything else behind. I started my life over. I live in the SAME town where I grew up which is very difficult because of how saturated this area is with LDS & also that every time I go into the schools, post office, grocery store, etc. I see people I knew when I was growing up. (We live in a small town with FOUR LDS chapels. VERY SATURATED.)

I don't know how long it will take me to really fully recover from Mormonism. I don't know when I will truly learn how to reason like other people do. I am convinced that brainwashing stays with you for a long time. I feel angry when I see how unfairly I was treated as a female in the church. I hate how women are disregarded in the church! I still struggle with trusting myself & trusting my own intuition, & being logical. I still find that I am too trusting of other people when I shouldn't be. I made so many very important decisions in my life based on WHAT OTHER PEOPLE TOLD ME, & I trusted priesthood holders more than myself, which caused me a lot of grief!!

I went through hell to get my divorce, my ex stalked me & bought me a GRAVE. I had a few years of classes & therapy at the women's shelter, which changed my life. My ex moved away & rarely sees the kids now & I'm re-married to a wonderful man who truly sees men & women as EQUAL. That is amazing to me right there. He has never once made me feel like I am less than he is.

 Thank you for being interested in my story. I hope this isn't too choppy or confusing, I never went to college or took any writing classes.

 
No, my dear, neither choppy nor confusing. Just amazing. Thank you for your example, your strength, and your commitment to your children and your sanity. Thank you to your new, wonderful husband. Thank you for sharing this. May it be a strength for someone in need.

"Rescuing a Wayward Spouse"

So, if you're not familiar with Meridian Magazine...be grateful. It's an LDS online "thing" with the tagline, "Latter-day Saints Shaping Their World." (Shaping it into what, exactly, is the question.)

Yesterday's post was by a man named Larry Barkdull in response to a question he received from some poor anonymous true-believing Mormon with a doubting wife. Find it here.

I won't bother to explain it, because you can read it for yourself, and at first glance it's not as awful as I expected...but if you view it from the perspective of the doubting spouse, LOOK OUT!

My favorite part, I must say, was the following: "The lie that she is living will likely drive her to the point of decision; either she will admit and abandon it or she will act on it.  We pray that she will abandon it."

In other words, that honest existence of yours...the one where you worship God your way, have a cup of coffee in the morning, maybe a glass of wine with dinner a couple times a week, where you wear tank tops and shorts in the summer, and think for yourself? Your ideas are, ooh, wait, lemme go back and double-check so I can quote him exactly...they are erroneous. 

You, my friend, just like me, are living a lie. (And they pray we'll abandon our lies. Big time.)

 Why do I read this crap, really? To keep up on what others are reading that cause their hearts and thoughts (and missionary drives) to turn to me.

But some friends of mine had some more amusing things to say about the article. (Note: you'd be AMAZED how wonderful, tight-knit, warm, welcoming, and earnest the Ex-Mormon communities on Facebook really are, bless their blackened apostate hearts!) 

So rather than focus on the article in this post, I'd like to take the opportunity to make you laugh. A little sacrilege is a LOT of fun sometimes. (And really, if you're reading this, you probably won't consider it sacrilegious anyway.) So, here goes...thanks to T-Dub and KayEm. You gents rock.

Let's start with KayEm: "What would be fun to read is a mirror image of this article. For example: First a section directly from the article: "I doubt that her issue is the Church. People don't casually discard their beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with some deep-seated issue that they cannot resolve. Your wife seems to be trying excessively hard to go opposite the gospel, and she is using anti-Mormon literature as her rationale. I would guess that she has been struggling with other non-Church issues for some time." Now a mirror image: "I doubt that his issue is the apostasy of his wife. People don't irrationally adhere to cultish beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with self-delusions that they fearfully cling to. Your husband seems to be trying excessively hard to go super-gospel, and he is using pro-Mormon literature as his rationale. I would guess that he has been drinking the kool-aid regarding many Church issues for some time.""

Pro-Mormon literature. I love this guy.


And now T-Dub: (Yes, I had to clean it up...just a little.) "Dear Clueless Douchebag, Yes, I have the spiritual flu. My human spirit is allergic to lying, cheating, and pedophilia (and to a lesser extent, megalomania…hey, we all have our crosses to bear, am I right?). My natural (quote Mosiah 3:19 and I’ll kick your ignorant @$$) reaction to learning about clandestine marriages to teenagers by a prophet was nausea, followed by puking my spiritual brains out. Yes, I was sick. Sick of following a cult-y community of not-quite dodos (I mean, it was Yale, for crying out loud!). Sick of making excuses for a man that I wouldn’t make for myself. Sick of justifying homophobia and institutional racism. But, Dr. Douchebag, I’m happy (quote Alma 41:10 and I’ll drown you in green jello and piss in the funeral potatoes at your viewing) to report that I’m all better now. I met the man behind the curtain, and he’s a diptwit. May your powers of discernment and diagnosis continue to lead you in the paths of self-righteousness. I will gladly continue down the path that rocks.

Sincerely,
A former flu patient


Paths of self-righteousness. Someone get this guy a medal!

So there's a little bit of sunshine for your day. Now go out and give your spouse a smooch. No matter their waywardness, they probably deserve it.

Boyd K. Packer's CES Talk, 1981

Ever hear or read something that, to others, is perfectly innocuous, but makes you shake and cough like The Police? I just read Boyd K. Packer's CES talk from 1981 entitled "The Mantle is Far, Far Greater than the Intellect," and to a disaffected member, it sounds like a Hilterian proclamation at a Nazi function. I'm going to copy and paste it in its entirety; please read it twice. The first time, read like a faithful Mormon. The second time, read like a German hiding Jews in your attic...as a BYU professor whose research has contradicted the church's history. And buckle up. It's a bumpy ride.

No, wait, scratch that: I attempted to reformat the copy-and-paste from the pdf on the church website, and it's taking too bloody long, so I'm just going to post a link to the original.

Please go here.

Did you read it?

Oh...My...Goodness.

Really, what more can I say? That was the single least-veiled threat I've ever, ever read. It's quite literally terrifying, and honestly, it just kept getting more and more terrifying, the further I read.

It's a bit like my experience learning about the proverbial man behind the curtain: the rabbit hole goes so deep, I'm in a sub-basement of hell...and this talk was the welcome speech.

Good stuff, huh?

The Cult or the Corporation?

My husband and one of his brothers recently had a conversation that started over me and my disaffection, but led to my thanking my husband as wholeheartedly as I know how.

You see, his brother called to check on him; he knows that I don't believe, and was wondering how my husband was coping with his apostate wife. My husband said he understands my views, that they are valid, and that he loves me and we're hanging in there. His brother proceeded to quiz my husband about his own personal views about the church, and my husband revealed that he has been struggling, now that the things I've learned have come to light.

His brother then bore his testimony, and stated that he still believes in the truthfulness of the church.

Then comes my favorite part. My husband replied with a question: "Which church? The cult from history, or the corporation of today?"

It didn't go over all that well, of course, and his brother stated that my husband clearly knows things he doesn't, but that he still believes, nonetheless.

Blablabla, whatever. Point is, I LOVE-LOVE-LOVED his question. The cult, or the corporation.

Because that's what it is, you know. Actually, it's still a cult, but under Joseph and Brigham and the early church leaders, it was a downright mafia. These days, it's all about the proverbial Benjamins, and I ain't talkin' King Benjamin. (Still waitin' on getting a glance at those books I contributed to, Church!)

So, my dear Brother-by-Marriage, which is it? The cult or the corporation? Because for me, it's neither. I cannot worship a god who expects of me what the Mormon faith expected of its adherents 150 years ago, and I certainly cannot worship a god who contributes a few million to charitable causes...and $1.5 billion to a shopping mall.

The cult. The corporation. Really, who cares what it is today? I don't. I'm no longer a Mormon. ;)