Education: The Only Acceptable Debt

Sitting on the porch with my dear husband chatting about his recent increase in income, a light bulb went on in my brain.

You see, my husband graduated from "The Lord's University" (BYU-Provo) with a prestigious degree that landed him an awesome job literally 11 months before he graduated. His income potential with that degree, because of what it is, is quite literally limitless. And that degree has worked in our favor in spades.

I'd say we're "blessed," but according to members, we'd only be being "blessed" if we were active, righteous, tithe-paying Mormons. Instead, we're apparently being cursed by Satan with money that leads us away from wanting to pay tithing...that, or tried by God with an income that will test us to see whether or not we apply it to a righteous purpose. You know, like a $4bil mall in Salt Lake.

Anyway, my husband just got a raise, and it was a good one, and though we are frugal people, it's nice to know that (for the time being!) we don't have a ton to worry about in the family financial department, and I can continue to stay home with our kids and run a household. AWESOME.

Back to the point, we're sitting on the porch talking about his raise when he notes that now we have exactly one debt: a mortgage. We used his bonus last year to pay off all remaining student debt in the Samuelson household, and without car payments, and by carrying zero-balances on our credit cards, we are (excluding a reasonable mortgage) debt-free. He then noted that the church preaches there are only two acceptable kinds of debts: a reasonable mortgage, and education. Whatever we think or feel about the church, that was sound financial advice, and we're glad to have been raised to follow it.

That said, it dawned on us about the same time WHY the church believes education to be the only acceptable form of debt...and the reasons are threefold:

1. The church wants educated members so they can point to their membership as among the most educated of any church around...thereby implying that the church really is God's church.
2. The church wants people to pursue a "righteous" education, meaning that BYU will grow and make money, harking back to the image of the church, of course, but also ensuring that they have control over the type of uber-conservative religious education their students receive.
3. Educated people command infinitely larger salaries than the uneducated, which means educated adult members will contribute larger tithing sums.

Those educated adult members won't JUST contribute larger tithing sums, though; they'll also contribute larger fast and other offerings, be able to be hit up for money for temples, missionaries in need (read: salespeople), scouting, what-have-you. They'll contribute to BYU as alumni, and they'll also contribute to the Perpetual Education Fund...which will, in turn, help provide an education for less-fortunate third world members.

And what happens with those third world members? They'll be educated, rising above their communities and making more money (from which to tithe) and opening businesses (to employ community members they can proselytize) and become respected "wealthy" community leaders who credit their success, income, and esteem solely to the LDS church...another proselytizing strategy.

Have you ever been to Disneyland? Being from Southern California, I have...too many times to count. Disneyland now has a very large parking structure...the largest in the world at the time it was built. It...is...amazing. It is daily filled to capacity with precision, the parking attendants moving cones, directing traffic, and smoothly, ever-so-smoothly, leading cars into perfectly aligned diagonal spaces with perfect timing and perfect smiles.

The LDS church is a Disneyland parking garage. It has been redesigned "in these latter days" with absolute Disney precision. And what is Disneyland's ultimate goal? The give your family a perfect day at the Happiest Place on Earth? NO! If that were the case, the lines for rides wouldn't be 4 hours long, the ticket prices would be cut in half, the park would be limited to half it's current "capacity", and a host of other things would make it an easy, peaceful, fun, inexpensive day. The ultimate goal of the Disney Corporation, lest we deceive ourselves, is to MAKE MONEY.

Such is the case with the LDS Corporation. Sure, go into debt for education. (You'll have to pay it back, not us.) In fact, get in debt up to your eyeballs for education, because while you're paying back half a million dollars in loans for dental school, you'll also be making $100,000 every year (to start) and forking over $10k in tithing...which tithing might cover a small portion of the cost of the City Creek Mall's electric bill this month, or might help persuade a minority female to take a position at BYU to bolster the university's professorial diversity, or may even pay for some fabric to make more garments that we'll sell right back to you at $6 per article, like the Company Store of a coal mine a hundred years ago.

Of COURSE education is an "acceptable" debt to the Brethren. It inflates their yearly tax-free income.

And that's when the light bulb over my head exploded, and I was blinded by the flash of anger it emitted, and I vowed that my children's children would never even hear the letters "B", "Y", and "U" strung together in that order.

I'll pay for Harvard, thanks.

My Husband's Journey

My husband has struggled watching me, and then struggled beside me, and though I cannot pretend to know all the thoughts in his head and heart, I read another man's exit story today, and could not shake the feeling that it might've been my husband who'd written it. Like yesterday's letter to potential female missionaries, I absolutely had to share it, for more reasons than I care to explain. So again, without further ado, I give you "The Collapse of My Shelf."

Bless the Ex-Mormon Community!

A former-LDS friend found some notes on apologist tactics and shared it with me, and I just HAD to pass it along. Enjoy!

1. Apologists start with the end in mind, and sift through available evidences, picking and choosing what they will use to construct an argument to support their previously determined conclusion.

2. Ad hominem attacks - when frustrated, apologists will typically attack the character or credentials of a critic, trying in some way to minimize the perceived credibility of the arguments of the critic.

3. Straw man construction - destruction. Apologists will take several of the weakest aspects of the critics argument, glue them together as if they are the entire argument, then proceed to attack the straw man characterization of the argument. This approach is used to discredit the entire argument and is fallacious. It relies on a logic that says, if this little part may be refuted, the rest of the argument is null and void.

4. Improper usage of sources, often using secondary sources as primary sources - also using sources out of context.

5. The lynchpin - invalid epistemology. If all else fails, the "spiritual witness" card is pulled, saying that it all relies on faith, or "once you have a spiritual witness, nothing can take that away." They fail to address the inherent circular logic or infinite regress that that causes. Why would a burning in the bosom, or feeling of peace be an indication of truth? Because the scriptures tell us so. How do we know the scriptures are telling us the correct way to find the truth? Because they are from God and God wouldn't lie to us. How do we know the scriptures are from God? Because the scriptures tell us so. Thus starts the endless loop.

Indeed. Better put on the armor of God if you're going up against a Hugh Nibley-type from FAIR! Good luck!

PUBLISHED!!!

Okay, everybody...it's done! It'll be a couple days before I'm (No Longer) a Mormon is up on amazon, but for the time being it's available for ereaders everywhere! For Kindle, please go here. For every other format - including online reading AND Kindle format! - please visit smashwords; you'll need a free account. I'll put the print book link up the moment it's ready, and once the ebook is available direct from B&N, Kobo, iTunes, etc, those links will appear here, too! Enjoy, and thank you all so much for your support!

When Your Child Rejects Your Religion: Dos and Don'ts by Kim Giles

Just finished an excellent article from KSL.com written by one Kim Giles, Life Coach. I do not claim the following to be my words in ANY way; if you are interested in reading the article via its original link, please click here. Otherwise, I've copied and pasted it below, I take NO credit for it, and only felt it was beautifully and wisely written, which is why it's located on this blog. More soon! Regina

SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you. 

Question: We have a son who wants nothing to do with our religion. This causes us a lot of pain. We can’t support the decision he is making to walk away when we know it is wrong. Besides praying for him, what is the best way to address this?

Answer: I will give you my opinion, since I am in this situation myself and this approach has worked for us in that we have a beautiful, close, loving relationship with our kids.

Unconditional love is always the answer.

Unconditional love means you edify, honor, cherish and respect him, right where he is right now. It means you see him as the same as you (not as someone who is bad or wrong in any way) and allow him to find his way in life.

Here are some principles which helped us to understand our options.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.

 
Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.
Let me explain how these principles apply to your situation by giving you some dos and don’ts.
 
Don’t blame yourself. Having your adult children reject your religion triggers both your core fears. You are afraid of failure as a parent (if your child leaves the church) and you are afraid of loss (spiritually losing your child). If you continue to focus on these fears, you will make this situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line. Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail. You can trust that even though you weren’t a perfect parent, you were the perfect parent for your child. If you messed him up, you messed him up in the exact way he was meant to be messed up.
 
Trust the process of life. I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.
 
Don’t say anything negative about his choices. Don’t criticize his ideas. Don't say, "I told you so," when things go wrong. Don’t say, "Things would go better if you were doing what’s right." Don’t say he should consider making different choices. Statements like these disrepsect him and his process of growth. If you talk down to an adult child you will damage your relationship. Just be quiet and love him through it.

Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him with respect.

 
Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your kid. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t grant financial help only if they get active in church. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

You don’t have to agree with his choices, but you do have to respect and honor his right to choose his path. You should not act hurt or wounded by his choices. You should not expect him to change so you can feel better. These are selfish, fear-based reactions.
 
Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he sees it. Make sure he feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)

So love your children unconditionally, fully and passionately, and keep seeing the best in them no matter what religion they choose.

(By the way, this is how God parents — and I think he knows what he's doing.)
 
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer

All the Reasons I DIDN'T Leave the Church...

When you announce that you're leaving the church, nobody asks why. Of the hundred-some people I've told, exactly ONE asked me about the reasoning behind it, listened patiently for a couple of minutes, and then the subject was changed.

NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW. It's not that they don't care; it's that they make assumptions in order to protect themselves from their own deep-seated fear...by dishonoring me.

Here's what I mean: someone leaves your faith...but there can't actually be anything wrong with the faith, right? That would make the person still clinging to it WRONG! None of us like to be wrong...particularly when we've devoted part or the whole of our lives to what we're wrong about. But it goes a step further: if we're wrong, eternal marriage and families evaporate, our social network is in danger, the possibility of salvation is called into question, and even Jesus becomes suspect. That's not a fun place to be! And since we don't want to consider any of that, we decide the church CANNOT be wrong, and so the person who is leaving must be wrong.

Take that a step further: if the person leaving is wrong, they are wrong in one (or all) of a few areas: righteousness/worthiness, impatience, laziness, taking offense, arrogance based on intellect, and/or they were duped by Satan.

Where does that leave me? As an impatient, lazy, arrogant, offended, grossly sinful dupe.

But what if that's not true? What if I left for legitimate reasons? I know it's hard to accept because it means they might be wrong, but Jesus has told us time and time again that the truth will make us free.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to make clear the reasons I did NOT leave the church:

1. My life contains a laundry list of mistakes and regrets, just like yours, but I haven't become a swinger, I'm not a drunk or a drug addict, and my morals have not changed. If anything, my morals are more cemented by my choice to discover and live them than one who is moral under duress. I have not committed gross sin; there is no blood on my hands. And just FYI, having a cup of coffee is not gross sin.
2. I have not been impatient for my Moroni 10:4 answer. I have tried over and over again for decades with complete sincerity, begging to know that the BoM is "true", and God has not seen fit to answer me. Until recently I had concluded that that was either because God didn't love me, or that God did not think I was a soul worth answering. Needless to say, as a result my self-esteem has never been good. The truth is, God hasn't sent an answer...and if he sent it to me in some "other" way, as has been argued before, what good is an answer that I can't understand?
3. I admit, I'm incredibly lazy in many areas of my life. That said, my pursuit of truth (using the LDS Moroni 10:4 truth test) has probably been more intense than your own. I am also perfectly happy and willing to live any way that God might expect, including wearing a burqa, if I had to. He hasn't told me what he expects. The way I live is not for the sake of self-indulgence or being too lazy to keep the commandments. I just don't believe the LDS gospel has very many legitimate commandments to keep.
4. I think most intellectuals are considered arrogant and instantly given a bad name for being intellectual...rather like wealthy people are given a bad name for having spent decades slowly acquiring their wealth. There is a fine line between intellectualism and arrogance, and in some ways, arrogance is important in an intellectual; it drives them to learn more, discover more, and become more. But the reality is, I don't consider myself a true intellectual. I consider myself someone with an overpowering desire to acquire knowledge and seek truth. If truth-seeking is arrogant, I am arrogant indeed, but I think the idea of arrogance is misapplied in circumstances of truth-seeking. The earnest seeker of truth is incredibly humble, willing to discard outmoded and outdated ideas as required. I seek truth. I may never find it. I'm okay with that, as long as I'm seeking, open to new ideas, and developing.
5. I have been offended MANY, MANY TIMES by the church, its doctrines, its leadership, and its membership. It never, ever caused me to leave the church because I understand that the gospel and the people are two different things. The gospel can be perfect while the people can be idiots. I understand that. It just turns out that the gospel is not perfect, is not of God, and I'm done with it. It's not the people. Amazing Mormons are still amazing, and asinine Mormons are still asinine...bless all their hearts.
6. How do you argue with "duped by Satan"? I mean, when all else fails, call on the supernatural Bad Guy to explain someone's lunacy! I can't argue over the bad guy tempter that I can't see, hear, touch, smell, or taste; somehow, even though I cannot see, hear, touch, smell, or taste him, he got to me. He persuaded me to accept lies as a bulk of evidence and not a giant CYA for the church; he duped me. 

The reality is that I leave the church of my own free will and choice. I choose to use my agency to walk away from a gospel that, in my mind, has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be a farce.

People will continue to think of me what they wish, but I hope that, for the sake of all those of us leaving a religion, those who continue to practice it might be willing to consider that maybe, just maybe, the person walking away has actually put some serious thought into their decision. Maybe, just maybe, they've been willing to take the hard road because of their convictions, not because of their laziness or sinfulness.

You can't force someone to believe something they don't believe. I don't believe in the church, and I have good reasons not to. Please understand me anyway.