When Your Child Rejects Your Religion: Dos and Don'ts by Kim Giles

Just finished an excellent article from KSL.com written by one Kim Giles, Life Coach. I do not claim the following to be my words in ANY way; if you are interested in reading the article via its original link, please click here. Otherwise, I've copied and pasted it below, I take NO credit for it, and only felt it was beautifully and wisely written, which is why it's located on this blog. More soon! Regina

SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you. 

Question: We have a son who wants nothing to do with our religion. This causes us a lot of pain. We can’t support the decision he is making to walk away when we know it is wrong. Besides praying for him, what is the best way to address this?

Answer: I will give you my opinion, since I am in this situation myself and this approach has worked for us in that we have a beautiful, close, loving relationship with our kids.

Unconditional love is always the answer.

Unconditional love means you edify, honor, cherish and respect him, right where he is right now. It means you see him as the same as you (not as someone who is bad or wrong in any way) and allow him to find his way in life.

Here are some principles which helped us to understand our options.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.

 
Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.
Let me explain how these principles apply to your situation by giving you some dos and don’ts.
 
Don’t blame yourself. Having your adult children reject your religion triggers both your core fears. You are afraid of failure as a parent (if your child leaves the church) and you are afraid of loss (spiritually losing your child). If you continue to focus on these fears, you will make this situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line. Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail. You can trust that even though you weren’t a perfect parent, you were the perfect parent for your child. If you messed him up, you messed him up in the exact way he was meant to be messed up.
 
Trust the process of life. I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.
 
Don’t say anything negative about his choices. Don’t criticize his ideas. Don't say, "I told you so," when things go wrong. Don’t say, "Things would go better if you were doing what’s right." Don’t say he should consider making different choices. Statements like these disrepsect him and his process of growth. If you talk down to an adult child you will damage your relationship. Just be quiet and love him through it.

Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him with respect.

 
Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your kid. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t grant financial help only if they get active in church. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

You don’t have to agree with his choices, but you do have to respect and honor his right to choose his path. You should not act hurt or wounded by his choices. You should not expect him to change so you can feel better. These are selfish, fear-based reactions.
 
Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he sees it. Make sure he feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)

So love your children unconditionally, fully and passionately, and keep seeing the best in them no matter what religion they choose.

(By the way, this is how God parents — and I think he knows what he's doing.)
 
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer

Parental Responsibility for Kids' Spiritual Welfare

I'm leaving the LDS faith...which means, WHAT THE HECK DO I TELL MY KIDS?!

That's a difficulty in and of itself. For the moment, I'm teaching them the same moral and ethical values I was before: be kind to others, live by the golden rule, share, say sorry when you do something wrong, respect others, revel in both our differences and similarities, embrace all that is good and positive, and love others.

The "love" part is the most important, of course; it is how we, as a species, will evolve.

But what about God? I don't know WHAT to tell them about God, so for the time being I'm telling them that "even though Mommy doesn't always agree with what the church has to say, or what the prophet has to say, doesn't mean God doesn't love me for who and what I am! He loves all of us, and we show our gratitude for our lives by loving others and being happy." For now, I believe that will suffice...and it seems like it has, so I'm leaving it where it is.

But a friend of mine called the other day - an active member, of course - and informed me that I had a responsibility both to my elder child, now baptized, and to the church: the church NEEDS "people like [my elder child] because [that child] is so righteous, intelligent, forthright, and kind." I was then informed that I should not stand in the way of that child's participation in the faith, that my child will someday convert a huge flock on a mission and become a great leader in the faith, and that I owed it to my child and the church to let my child attend to reach their maximum potential. Then my friend extended an offer: They will pick up my children every Sunday morning for church and return them home to me afterward.

....................I appreciate the offer. It speaks volumes for the nature and inherent goodness of my children, and is an indirect compliment to my parenting skills.

I do NOT appreciate the fear-mongering. Though their perception may be that I am preventing my children from reaching their potential, and misdirecting them in the paths of salvation, my perception is completely different, and as their parent, my perception is the only one that matters in regards to my kids.

I owe the church NOTHING; in fact, they owe ME THOUSANDS of dollars in tithing collected from me based on a series of lies. My children owe the church nothing; it gave them an absent father when they were little and a stir-crazy mom. It also offered a series of incredibly negative, self-esteem damaging experiences courtesy of ill-behaved peers and adult leaders with an inability to conduct an orderly primary program.

Additionally, I will NOT steep my children's brains in dogma; I will teach them to think for themselves. If my child some day decides to embrace Mormonism, serve a mission, and lead a ward, I will back him 100%. If, however, he decides to embrace atheism and become the next Stephen Hawking, I will also back him 100%.

Finally, if my children want to attend church, I myself will take them, drop them off, and pick them up. I will even dress for church, sit by them in sacrament, and wait on them in the foyer during primary. I will NOT relegate that task to someone else in order that my children may be indoctrinated without my oversight...particularly if the suggestion might ever be made that "Mommy was deceived by Satan and has lost her claim on the Celestial Kingdom." NO FEAR-MONGERING.

So...thanks, but I'm fairly certain my children will go a lot farther toward reaching their maximum potential by assessing the world, deciding (dogma-free) who they will become, and then working their tails off to become those people. Yes, the church needs intelligent, capable, big-hearted people to serve in a variety of capacities...so let it draw from its pool of indoctrinated, power-hungry peeps. My children have more important ways to better the world around them.

All the Reasons I DIDN'T Leave the Church...

When you announce that you're leaving the church, nobody asks why. Of the hundred-some people I've told, exactly ONE asked me about the reasoning behind it, listened patiently for a couple of minutes, and then the subject was changed.

NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW. It's not that they don't care; it's that they make assumptions in order to protect themselves from their own deep-seated fear...by dishonoring me.

Here's what I mean: someone leaves your faith...but there can't actually be anything wrong with the faith, right? That would make the person still clinging to it WRONG! None of us like to be wrong...particularly when we've devoted part or the whole of our lives to what we're wrong about. But it goes a step further: if we're wrong, eternal marriage and families evaporate, our social network is in danger, the possibility of salvation is called into question, and even Jesus becomes suspect. That's not a fun place to be! And since we don't want to consider any of that, we decide the church CANNOT be wrong, and so the person who is leaving must be wrong.

Take that a step further: if the person leaving is wrong, they are wrong in one (or all) of a few areas: righteousness/worthiness, impatience, laziness, taking offense, arrogance based on intellect, and/or they were duped by Satan.

Where does that leave me? As an impatient, lazy, arrogant, offended, grossly sinful dupe.

But what if that's not true? What if I left for legitimate reasons? I know it's hard to accept because it means they might be wrong, but Jesus has told us time and time again that the truth will make us free.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to make clear the reasons I did NOT leave the church:

1. My life contains a laundry list of mistakes and regrets, just like yours, but I haven't become a swinger, I'm not a drunk or a drug addict, and my morals have not changed. If anything, my morals are more cemented by my choice to discover and live them than one who is moral under duress. I have not committed gross sin; there is no blood on my hands. And just FYI, having a cup of coffee is not gross sin.
2. I have not been impatient for my Moroni 10:4 answer. I have tried over and over again for decades with complete sincerity, begging to know that the BoM is "true", and God has not seen fit to answer me. Until recently I had concluded that that was either because God didn't love me, or that God did not think I was a soul worth answering. Needless to say, as a result my self-esteem has never been good. The truth is, God hasn't sent an answer...and if he sent it to me in some "other" way, as has been argued before, what good is an answer that I can't understand?
3. I admit, I'm incredibly lazy in many areas of my life. That said, my pursuit of truth (using the LDS Moroni 10:4 truth test) has probably been more intense than your own. I am also perfectly happy and willing to live any way that God might expect, including wearing a burqa, if I had to. He hasn't told me what he expects. The way I live is not for the sake of self-indulgence or being too lazy to keep the commandments. I just don't believe the LDS gospel has very many legitimate commandments to keep.
4. I think most intellectuals are considered arrogant and instantly given a bad name for being intellectual...rather like wealthy people are given a bad name for having spent decades slowly acquiring their wealth. There is a fine line between intellectualism and arrogance, and in some ways, arrogance is important in an intellectual; it drives them to learn more, discover more, and become more. But the reality is, I don't consider myself a true intellectual. I consider myself someone with an overpowering desire to acquire knowledge and seek truth. If truth-seeking is arrogant, I am arrogant indeed, but I think the idea of arrogance is misapplied in circumstances of truth-seeking. The earnest seeker of truth is incredibly humble, willing to discard outmoded and outdated ideas as required. I seek truth. I may never find it. I'm okay with that, as long as I'm seeking, open to new ideas, and developing.
5. I have been offended MANY, MANY TIMES by the church, its doctrines, its leadership, and its membership. It never, ever caused me to leave the church because I understand that the gospel and the people are two different things. The gospel can be perfect while the people can be idiots. I understand that. It just turns out that the gospel is not perfect, is not of God, and I'm done with it. It's not the people. Amazing Mormons are still amazing, and asinine Mormons are still asinine...bless all their hearts.
6. How do you argue with "duped by Satan"? I mean, when all else fails, call on the supernatural Bad Guy to explain someone's lunacy! I can't argue over the bad guy tempter that I can't see, hear, touch, smell, or taste; somehow, even though I cannot see, hear, touch, smell, or taste him, he got to me. He persuaded me to accept lies as a bulk of evidence and not a giant CYA for the church; he duped me. 

The reality is that I leave the church of my own free will and choice. I choose to use my agency to walk away from a gospel that, in my mind, has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be a farce.

People will continue to think of me what they wish, but I hope that, for the sake of all those of us leaving a religion, those who continue to practice it might be willing to consider that maybe, just maybe, the person walking away has actually put some serious thought into their decision. Maybe, just maybe, they've been willing to take the hard road because of their convictions, not because of their laziness or sinfulness.

You can't force someone to believe something they don't believe. I don't believe in the church, and I have good reasons not to. Please understand me anyway.