Abraham

My husband and I were on a rare date this weekend, and we had a great time...so I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how Abraham (of the famous Abraham/Isaac/Jacob trio) came up in conversation.

At one point, however, hubs turns to me and says, "Seriously, 'Gina, if I got out of bed one morning and told you that God had told me to take our son for a walk into a neighboring community and KILL HIM, what would you say?"

"..................Um..............................................He didn't did He?"

"No."

"Just checking. Okay, then, I'd probably grab the first available item I could use for self-defense - a kitchen knife, maybe, if I couldn't beat you to the gun safe - and I would defend our children tooth and nail from your crazy-ass self while simultaneously screaming at our children to dial 911 so I could have you committed to an insane asylum. If, after a respectable amount of time, you did not improve, I'd seek a divorce. If I even imagined that any 'improvement' on your part was feigned, I'd divorce you and whisk our kids away somewhere where I could change our identities and never see you again. Basically, I'd protect my children...even from their Dad."

"That's what I thought." Then came a pause, and then, "So what the hell was wrong with Abraham's wife?!"

I thought it over for a moment, and then said, "Nothing. She didn't exist."

The conversation continued in a different vein at that point, but O...M...GOODNESS. Why had I never considered what Sarah was thinking? Why, as a WOMAN, had I not thought about her potential reaction to Abraham's sheathing his knife and heading off to a mountain with Isaac in tow?

Oh, I remember now: women in the Bible are insignificant.

In fact, women in ALL "scripture" are insignificant.

And so are women in the LDS church, who are taught-without-being-taught (thanks to decades of studying "scripture") that women are insignificant.

But Sarah aside, how is it that a Bedouin a few thousand years ago who is all ready to murder his son because he heard a voice tell him to is NOT considered CERTIFIABLE? How is it that a teenager hacking off a rich man's head and dressing up in the dead guy's clothes to steal his stuff (Nephi!) because "God told him to" is a HERO? Or good old Lot ready to hand over his young, virginal daughters to would-be ANGEL RAPISTS is the ONE GUY in all the city who is SAVED?

I could go on forever about the Old Testament (and may yet in another post), but let's limit this one to JUST the crazy guys who were rewarded for sick, twisted stuff.

Who is game? Comment with your favorite scriptural nut case who did what they did because God said to, or who did something awful in an attempt to please God. GO. And have fun with it. ;)

Testimony Meeting: Teaching Your Kids to Lie Publicly

I was very, very clear in my book that I have struggled with lying...mostly courtesy of the church and "lying for the Lord," I believe. No wonder: we teach our children to lie at least once a month...and to do it publicly!

What on earth am I talking about?

Testimony meeting.

You see, I've never had a personal witness that the BoM is "true." No whisper from the Spirit, no burning in my bosom (even when I was pregnant and it was ample; that was heartburn!), and no angels in my bedroom. But how many times did I get up during my tenure in the church, head to the podium, and claim sure knowledge of the truth of things that, as it turns out, are not actually true?

How many times did my parents walk me to the podium, whisper in my ear what to say, and then smile warmly while I delivered "my" testimony? WORSE, how many times have I done that with my own children?

Kids are adorable, of course, and seeing them talking about how much they love Jesus into a microphone behind a giant podium is inexpressibly cute. Until you realize how intensely they're being indoctrinated. Then it sort of makes you want to vomit.

The typical child's testimony goes something like this: "I'd like to bear my testimony. I know this church is true, I know that Jesus lives and loves us. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and the Book of Mormon is true. I love my family, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

By this point, the congregation members are oohing and aahing. After the meeting, they congratulate the child on their wonderful testimony, reinforcing lying as good and admirable behavior (because really, how many 4 year-olds "know" the church is true, have ever met Jesus, shook hands with and examined the reputation of Joseph Smith, or have read the BoM?), and then congratulating the child's parents on doing such a great job raising their children to know and express "the truth."

Here, kid! Go up and stand in front of a room full of people and tell them all the things they want to hear, and we'll reward you with an outpouring of love and admiration. Maybe the bishop will even call you into his office and give you candy, like any decent pedophile would. If you tell everyone here what they want you to say, you might come to believe it...and if not, that's okay. Lie until you DO believe it, and let us tell you how awesome you are for lying through your teeth.

I had a YW teacher once tell me that if we weren't morning people, we should try leaping out of bed every morning to greet the day, faking it 'til we make it, and at some point we'd realized we had become morning people. Then she noted that a testimony worked the same way: if you don't have one now, act like you do, live it to the fullest extent, and one day you'll wake up and realize you have a testimony!

The problem, of course, is that I just woke up every morning knowing that I would be lauded for lies, and feeling miserable because God hadn't seen fit to bestow a testimony on me yet.

Talk about messed in the head!

And I've done it to my own sweet children. It sort of makes me want to slit my wrists, and while I'm at it, use that knife to cut through the indoctrination, it's so ruddy thick.

Don't be authentically you. Fake it. Lie.

I cannot possibly express how relieved I am to no longer be a Mormon.