Testimony Meeting: Teaching Your Kids to Lie Publicly

I was very, very clear in my book that I have struggled with lying...mostly courtesy of the church and "lying for the Lord," I believe. No wonder: we teach our children to lie at least once a month...and to do it publicly!

What on earth am I talking about?

Testimony meeting.

You see, I've never had a personal witness that the BoM is "true." No whisper from the Spirit, no burning in my bosom (even when I was pregnant and it was ample; that was heartburn!), and no angels in my bedroom. But how many times did I get up during my tenure in the church, head to the podium, and claim sure knowledge of the truth of things that, as it turns out, are not actually true?

How many times did my parents walk me to the podium, whisper in my ear what to say, and then smile warmly while I delivered "my" testimony? WORSE, how many times have I done that with my own children?

Kids are adorable, of course, and seeing them talking about how much they love Jesus into a microphone behind a giant podium is inexpressibly cute. Until you realize how intensely they're being indoctrinated. Then it sort of makes you want to vomit.

The typical child's testimony goes something like this: "I'd like to bear my testimony. I know this church is true, I know that Jesus lives and loves us. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and the Book of Mormon is true. I love my family, and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

By this point, the congregation members are oohing and aahing. After the meeting, they congratulate the child on their wonderful testimony, reinforcing lying as good and admirable behavior (because really, how many 4 year-olds "know" the church is true, have ever met Jesus, shook hands with and examined the reputation of Joseph Smith, or have read the BoM?), and then congratulating the child's parents on doing such a great job raising their children to know and express "the truth."

Here, kid! Go up and stand in front of a room full of people and tell them all the things they want to hear, and we'll reward you with an outpouring of love and admiration. Maybe the bishop will even call you into his office and give you candy, like any decent pedophile would. If you tell everyone here what they want you to say, you might come to believe it...and if not, that's okay. Lie until you DO believe it, and let us tell you how awesome you are for lying through your teeth.

I had a YW teacher once tell me that if we weren't morning people, we should try leaping out of bed every morning to greet the day, faking it 'til we make it, and at some point we'd realized we had become morning people. Then she noted that a testimony worked the same way: if you don't have one now, act like you do, live it to the fullest extent, and one day you'll wake up and realize you have a testimony!

The problem, of course, is that I just woke up every morning knowing that I would be lauded for lies, and feeling miserable because God hadn't seen fit to bestow a testimony on me yet.

Talk about messed in the head!

And I've done it to my own sweet children. It sort of makes me want to slit my wrists, and while I'm at it, use that knife to cut through the indoctrination, it's so ruddy thick.

Don't be authentically you. Fake it. Lie.

I cannot possibly express how relieved I am to no longer be a Mormon.