My husband and I were on a rare date this weekend, and we had a great time...so I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how Abraham (of the famous Abraham/Isaac/Jacob trio) came up in conversation.
At one point, however, hubs turns to me and says, "Seriously, 'Gina, if I got out of bed one morning and told you that God had told me to take our son for a walk into a neighboring community and KILL HIM, what would you say?"
"..................Um..............................................He didn't did He?"
"No."
"Just checking. Okay, then, I'd probably grab the first available item I could use for self-defense - a kitchen knife, maybe, if I couldn't beat you to the gun safe - and I would defend our children tooth and nail from your crazy-ass self while simultaneously screaming at our children to dial 911 so I could have you committed to an insane asylum. If, after a respectable amount of time, you did not improve, I'd seek a divorce. If I even imagined that any 'improvement' on your part was feigned, I'd divorce you and whisk our kids away somewhere where I could change our identities and never see you again. Basically, I'd protect my children...even from their Dad."
"That's what I thought." Then came a pause, and then, "So what the hell was wrong with Abraham's wife?!"
I thought it over for a moment, and then said, "Nothing. She didn't exist."
The conversation continued in a different vein at that point, but O...M...GOODNESS. Why had I never considered what Sarah was thinking? Why, as a WOMAN, had I not thought about her potential reaction to Abraham's sheathing his knife and heading off to a mountain with Isaac in tow?
Oh, I remember now: women in the Bible are insignificant.
In fact, women in ALL "scripture" are insignificant.
And so are women in the LDS church, who are taught-without-being-taught (thanks to decades of studying "scripture") that women are insignificant.
But Sarah aside, how is it that a Bedouin a few thousand years ago who is all ready to murder his son because he heard a voice tell him to is NOT considered CERTIFIABLE? How is it that a teenager hacking off a rich man's head and dressing up in the dead guy's clothes to steal his stuff (Nephi!) because "God told him to" is a HERO? Or good old Lot ready to hand over his young, virginal daughters to would-be ANGEL RAPISTS is the ONE GUY in all the city who is SAVED?
I could go on forever about the Old Testament (and may yet in another post), but let's limit this one to JUST the crazy guys who were rewarded for sick, twisted stuff.
Who is game? Comment with your favorite scriptural nut case who did what they did because God said to, or who did something awful in an attempt to please God. GO. And have fun with it. ;)
Monday, August 5, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
"It Just Wasn't Right for You"
How many former members have heard a version of the following sentiment expressed by one of their LDS friends? "I'm so glad you've found something that makes you happy, because clearly the Gospel just wasn't right for you."
I've heard it from a couple of my more liberal LDS friends, one a convert, the other a younger-generation lifer...even though they both know that I haven't "found something that makes me happy". (I've instead discovered what WON'T make me happy, and that, it turns out, is living according to the lies someone else has dictated to me.)
I appreciate their kindness and respect...but they exhibit just one more example of the flawed thinking of church members.
Howso?
Good members of the church with their heads on straight KNOW that the LDS church is the ONE and ONLY TRUE CHURCH. You want to get back to live with (a violent, sick, twisted, exclusive) God? You MUST be a faithful member of the church who has married in the temple and is enduring (in the faith) to the end.
But I'm done enduring...in more ways than one.
Which means I'm not going to be hanging out with them in the presence of God. Instead, if I'm lucky and my parents live sinlessly from this point forward, having been baptized in the faith at age 8, I might get to be dragged along by my parents faithfulness into the Celestial Kingdom...but I'll only inhabit the first of the three levels of the kingdom, ostensibly as a genderless ministering angel...to my friends and their spouses, forever breeding to people their created worlds alongside their husbands (and, if they're willing to admit it, their sister-wives who, unlike me, did NOT turn from the true gospel; they just never received an offer of marriage from a worthy temple-attending returned missionary and have been waiting 'til they died to claim a husband as a second/third/tenth wife).
WOOHOO!!!
..................(What rhyme with "woo-hoo", starts with an f, and ends with "you"?)
And yet my friends have concluded that the gospel "wasn't right for me."
It's supposed to be right for EVERYONE, isn't it? In fact, it's SO right for everyone, Adolf Hitler (and a million + Jews executed by his regime) have been baptized to enable them to inherit the Celestial Kingdom! So if it's right for Hitler, why isn't it right for me?
Am I worth less than a mass murderer to them, or for that matter? Are they content to see me drink coffee in this life when deep down they know that my coffee drinking - and, you know, denial of the one and only truth - will cause the abolishing of my heavenly genitals, but ultimately I'll still be saved to wait on them hand and foot? Do they believe that certain people are just plain incapable of living the gospel, and God put the gospel on the earth to weed us out, so as much as they "love" me here, they know I can't hang, and they've already dismissed me from the afterlife?
HAVE THEY EVEN CONSIDERED ANY OF THIS?
In all likelihood, probably not. It feels good to say "I'm so glad you've found something that makes you happy, because clearly the gospel just wasn't right for you." It feels terrible to say "I'll miss you in the Celestial Kingdom, but there's still a chance you'll be a genderless servant to me, my husband, and our wives." But it feels "worst-est" to say "I refuse to consider that you might be right, and I'm only fooling myself based on the emotional and psychological comfort provided me by the Pineal gland in my brain - and pressures of my friends/family/acquaintances - in 'confirming' the truthfulness of the gospel."
Yeah, acknowledging that one would suck.
So they make THEMSELVES feel better by confirming MY decision to be the best one...for ME.
How horribly sad and deluded. And cultist.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...I'm so glad I'm done. And facing reality. And living life to its fullest, my conscience and strength of character dictating how I live and who I become, instead of relying on human directives couched in fairy tale and supernatural terms and credited to a mystical God on whose form and personality no one can agree.
So maybe they're right after all. That crap? It just wasn't right for me, and I'm finally happy. Hallelujah!
I've heard it from a couple of my more liberal LDS friends, one a convert, the other a younger-generation lifer...even though they both know that I haven't "found something that makes me happy". (I've instead discovered what WON'T make me happy, and that, it turns out, is living according to the lies someone else has dictated to me.)
I appreciate their kindness and respect...but they exhibit just one more example of the flawed thinking of church members.
Howso?
Good members of the church with their heads on straight KNOW that the LDS church is the ONE and ONLY TRUE CHURCH. You want to get back to live with (a violent, sick, twisted, exclusive) God? You MUST be a faithful member of the church who has married in the temple and is enduring (in the faith) to the end.
But I'm done enduring...in more ways than one.
Which means I'm not going to be hanging out with them in the presence of God. Instead, if I'm lucky and my parents live sinlessly from this point forward, having been baptized in the faith at age 8, I might get to be dragged along by my parents faithfulness into the Celestial Kingdom...but I'll only inhabit the first of the three levels of the kingdom, ostensibly as a genderless ministering angel...to my friends and their spouses, forever breeding to people their created worlds alongside their husbands (and, if they're willing to admit it, their sister-wives who, unlike me, did NOT turn from the true gospel; they just never received an offer of marriage from a worthy temple-attending returned missionary and have been waiting 'til they died to claim a husband as a second/third/tenth wife).
WOOHOO!!!
..................(What rhyme with "woo-hoo", starts with an f, and ends with "you"?)
And yet my friends have concluded that the gospel "wasn't right for me."
It's supposed to be right for EVERYONE, isn't it? In fact, it's SO right for everyone, Adolf Hitler (and a million + Jews executed by his regime) have been baptized to enable them to inherit the Celestial Kingdom! So if it's right for Hitler, why isn't it right for me?
Am I worth less than a mass murderer to them, or for that matter? Are they content to see me drink coffee in this life when deep down they know that my coffee drinking - and, you know, denial of the one and only truth - will cause the abolishing of my heavenly genitals, but ultimately I'll still be saved to wait on them hand and foot? Do they believe that certain people are just plain incapable of living the gospel, and God put the gospel on the earth to weed us out, so as much as they "love" me here, they know I can't hang, and they've already dismissed me from the afterlife?
HAVE THEY EVEN CONSIDERED ANY OF THIS?
In all likelihood, probably not. It feels good to say "I'm so glad you've found something that makes you happy, because clearly the gospel just wasn't right for you." It feels terrible to say "I'll miss you in the Celestial Kingdom, but there's still a chance you'll be a genderless servant to me, my husband, and our wives." But it feels "worst-est" to say "I refuse to consider that you might be right, and I'm only fooling myself based on the emotional and psychological comfort provided me by the Pineal gland in my brain - and pressures of my friends/family/acquaintances - in 'confirming' the truthfulness of the gospel."
Yeah, acknowledging that one would suck.
So they make THEMSELVES feel better by confirming MY decision to be the best one...for ME.
How horribly sad and deluded. And cultist.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...I'm so glad I'm done. And facing reality. And living life to its fullest, my conscience and strength of character dictating how I live and who I become, instead of relying on human directives couched in fairy tale and supernatural terms and credited to a mystical God on whose form and personality no one can agree.
So maybe they're right after all. That crap? It just wasn't right for me, and I'm finally happy. Hallelujah!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
"Rescuing a Wayward Spouse"
So, if you're not familiar with Meridian Magazine...be grateful. It's an LDS online "thing" with the tagline, "Latter-day Saints Shaping Their World." (Shaping it into what, exactly, is the question.)
Yesterday's post was by a man named Larry Barkdull in response to a question he received from some poor anonymous true-believing Mormon with a doubting wife. Find it here.
I won't bother to explain it, because you can read it for yourself, and at first glance it's not as awful as I expected...but if you view it from the perspective of the doubting spouse, LOOK OUT!
My favorite part, I must say, was the following: "The lie that she is living will likely drive her to the point of decision; either she will admit and abandon it or she will act on it. We pray that she will abandon it."
In other words, that honest existence of yours...the one where you worship God your way, have a cup of coffee in the morning, maybe a glass of wine with dinner a couple times a week, where you wear tank tops and shorts in the summer, and think for yourself? Your ideas are, ooh, wait, lemme go back and double-check so I can quote him exactly...they are erroneous.
You, my friend, just like me, are living a lie. (And they pray we'll abandon our lies. Big time.)
Why do I read this crap, really? To keep up on what others are reading that cause their hearts and thoughts (and missionary drives) to turn to me.
But some friends of mine had some more amusing things to say about the article. (Note: you'd be AMAZED how wonderful, tight-knit, warm, welcoming, and earnest the Ex-Mormon communities on Facebook really are, bless their blackened apostate hearts!)
So rather than focus on the article in this post, I'd like to take the opportunity to make you laugh. A little sacrilege is a LOT of fun sometimes. (And really, if you're reading this, you probably won't consider it sacrilegious anyway.) So, here goes...thanks to T-Dub and KayEm. You gents rock.
Let's start with KayEm: "What would be fun to read is a mirror image of this article. For example: First a section directly from the article: "I doubt that her issue is the Church. People don't casually discard their beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with some deep-seated issue that they cannot resolve. Your wife seems to be trying excessively hard to go opposite the gospel, and she is using anti-Mormon literature as her rationale. I would guess that she has been struggling with other non-Church issues for some time." Now a mirror image: "I doubt that his issue is the apostasy of his wife. People don't irrationally adhere to cultish beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with self-delusions that they fearfully cling to. Your husband seems to be trying excessively hard to go super-gospel, and he is using pro-Mormon literature as his rationale. I would guess that he has been drinking the kool-aid regarding many Church issues for some time.""
Pro-Mormon literature. I love this guy.
And now T-Dub: (Yes, I had to clean it up...just a little.) "Dear Clueless Douchebag, Yes, I have the spiritual flu. My human spirit is allergic to lying, cheating, and pedophilia (and to a lesser extent, megalomania…hey, we all have our crosses to bear, am I right?). My natural (quote Mosiah 3:19 and I’ll kick your ignorant @$$) reaction to learning about clandestine marriages to teenagers by a prophet was nausea, followed by puking my spiritual brains out. Yes, I was sick. Sick of following a cult-y community of not-quite dodos (I mean, it was Yale, for crying out loud!). Sick of making excuses for a man that I wouldn’t make for myself. Sick of justifying homophobia and institutional racism. But, Dr. Douchebag, I’m happy (quote Alma 41:10 and I’ll drown you in green jello and piss in the funeral potatoes at your viewing) to report that I’m all better now. I met the man behind the curtain, and he’s a diptwit. May your powers of discernment and diagnosis continue to lead you in the paths of self-righteousness. I will gladly continue down the path that rocks.
Sincerely,
A former flu patient
Paths of self-righteousness. Someone get this guy a medal!
So there's a little bit of sunshine for your day. Now go out and give your spouse a smooch. No matter their waywardness, they probably deserve it.
Yesterday's post was by a man named Larry Barkdull in response to a question he received from some poor anonymous true-believing Mormon with a doubting wife. Find it here.
I won't bother to explain it, because you can read it for yourself, and at first glance it's not as awful as I expected...but if you view it from the perspective of the doubting spouse, LOOK OUT!
My favorite part, I must say, was the following: "The lie that she is living will likely drive her to the point of decision; either she will admit and abandon it or she will act on it. We pray that she will abandon it."
In other words, that honest existence of yours...the one where you worship God your way, have a cup of coffee in the morning, maybe a glass of wine with dinner a couple times a week, where you wear tank tops and shorts in the summer, and think for yourself? Your ideas are, ooh, wait, lemme go back and double-check so I can quote him exactly...they are erroneous.
You, my friend, just like me, are living a lie. (And they pray we'll abandon our lies. Big time.)
Why do I read this crap, really? To keep up on what others are reading that cause their hearts and thoughts (and missionary drives) to turn to me.
But some friends of mine had some more amusing things to say about the article. (Note: you'd be AMAZED how wonderful, tight-knit, warm, welcoming, and earnest the Ex-Mormon communities on Facebook really are, bless their blackened apostate hearts!)
So rather than focus on the article in this post, I'd like to take the opportunity to make you laugh. A little sacrilege is a LOT of fun sometimes. (And really, if you're reading this, you probably won't consider it sacrilegious anyway.) So, here goes...thanks to T-Dub and KayEm. You gents rock.
Let's start with KayEm: "What would be fun to read is a mirror image of this article. For example: First a section directly from the article: "I doubt that her issue is the Church. People don't casually discard their beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with some deep-seated issue that they cannot resolve. Your wife seems to be trying excessively hard to go opposite the gospel, and she is using anti-Mormon literature as her rationale. I would guess that she has been struggling with other non-Church issues for some time." Now a mirror image: "I doubt that his issue is the apostasy of his wife. People don't irrationally adhere to cultish beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with self-delusions that they fearfully cling to. Your husband seems to be trying excessively hard to go super-gospel, and he is using pro-Mormon literature as his rationale. I would guess that he has been drinking the kool-aid regarding many Church issues for some time.""
Pro-Mormon literature. I love this guy.
And now T-Dub: (Yes, I had to clean it up...just a little.) "Dear Clueless Douchebag, Yes, I have the spiritual flu. My human spirit is allergic to lying, cheating, and pedophilia (and to a lesser extent, megalomania…hey, we all have our crosses to bear, am I right?). My natural (quote Mosiah 3:19 and I’ll kick your ignorant @$$) reaction to learning about clandestine marriages to teenagers by a prophet was nausea, followed by puking my spiritual brains out. Yes, I was sick. Sick of following a cult-y community of not-quite dodos (I mean, it was Yale, for crying out loud!). Sick of making excuses for a man that I wouldn’t make for myself. Sick of justifying homophobia and institutional racism. But, Dr. Douchebag, I’m happy (quote Alma 41:10 and I’ll drown you in green jello and piss in the funeral potatoes at your viewing) to report that I’m all better now. I met the man behind the curtain, and he’s a diptwit. May your powers of discernment and diagnosis continue to lead you in the paths of self-righteousness. I will gladly continue down the path that rocks.
Sincerely,
A former flu patient
Paths of self-righteousness. Someone get this guy a medal!
So there's a little bit of sunshine for your day. Now go out and give your spouse a smooch. No matter their waywardness, they probably deserve it.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Sad Socializings
Is "socializings" a word? Eh. Anywho...
We attended a block party recently. We live in a nice SoCal neighborhood with a large number of really fun folks of all cultures, and - GASP! - we get along beautifully! We even have a Mormon neighbor family just a few houses away...and this isn't Utah.
Who knew?
Our family attended most of the day, then took a couple hours off to shower, nap, and recharge so we could head back to hang out from dinnertime on. It was awesome: the perfect piece of Americana. About half an hour before we headed indoors to de-funk, our LDS neighbor and her kids swung by the party, which was in full swing, and made a beeline for us. She looked incredibly uncomfortable amongst the beer-swilling group (none of them drunk or even close to it, by the way), and when she found a (former) ward member, BAM!, she latched on.
That's all well and good. She's a nice lady, our kids are about the same age, and other than the fact that we no longer share a religion, there was nothing odd about her being friendly with us. (Bless her for not shunning us!)
But then we had to go, and she quite literally followed me to the door, chatting all the way. When we left we could see her through the window of the home that was "base" looking lost, wandering aimlessly over to where her kids were now playing. We returned later that evening, of course, and guess who was eager to strike up a conversation and stay glued to (specifically my) side? Yup.
And that made me so incredibly sad. She didn't understand how awkward that was...to everyone around her. Though I'm sure she feels she has tried to befriend people in the neighborhood, and though I'm certain she does her best to ignore the free-flowing booze, occasional swear word, and tank top or bikini, it was clear that SHE felt awkward...which leaves other people feeling awkward.
It was remarkably painful for me to watch, both because I think she's a really great girl who would make for a wonderful friend and neighbor, and because all I saw in watching her try and fail was MYSELF a couple years back. Me saying hi and then trying to disappear into the background. Me chatting for a minute or two and then heading to the kitchen to help out. Me clinging to ANYONE who even REMOTELY shared my religious beliefs because I could not function among "other" people. (I now see those "other" people as NORMAL, by the way.)
Whether we like to accept it as fact or not, if you were born and raised Mormon, you tend to view people in one of two ways:
So it IS difficult for Mormons to befriend non-members...especially once your teen years are through, the church is your entire identity, and you don't associate with as many strangers on a day-to-day basis to remind you how to get along with others. Yes, Mormons may be some of the nicest people on the planet...but that doesn't mean they know how to be inclusive of anyone but their own.
And maybe that's a good thing: it means there are fewer people being duped by the church because the members have already determined that someone won't convert and therefore don't try. WHEW.
But it still makes me sad. For my LDS neighbor, for my LDS friends, and most especially for myself. Heaven only knows how many wonderful friendships I've missed out on over the years because I just didn't know how to be a good friend...or for that matter, a good member of the human race. I'll never get those years - or those potential friendships - back.
I just sincerely hope others wake up early enough that they don't have to feel like I do.
Can I get an "Amen"? ;)
We attended a block party recently. We live in a nice SoCal neighborhood with a large number of really fun folks of all cultures, and - GASP! - we get along beautifully! We even have a Mormon neighbor family just a few houses away...and this isn't Utah.
Who knew?
Our family attended most of the day, then took a couple hours off to shower, nap, and recharge so we could head back to hang out from dinnertime on. It was awesome: the perfect piece of Americana. About half an hour before we headed indoors to de-funk, our LDS neighbor and her kids swung by the party, which was in full swing, and made a beeline for us. She looked incredibly uncomfortable amongst the beer-swilling group (none of them drunk or even close to it, by the way), and when she found a (former) ward member, BAM!, she latched on.
That's all well and good. She's a nice lady, our kids are about the same age, and other than the fact that we no longer share a religion, there was nothing odd about her being friendly with us. (Bless her for not shunning us!)
But then we had to go, and she quite literally followed me to the door, chatting all the way. When we left we could see her through the window of the home that was "base" looking lost, wandering aimlessly over to where her kids were now playing. We returned later that evening, of course, and guess who was eager to strike up a conversation and stay glued to (specifically my) side? Yup.
And that made me so incredibly sad. She didn't understand how awkward that was...to everyone around her. Though I'm sure she feels she has tried to befriend people in the neighborhood, and though I'm certain she does her best to ignore the free-flowing booze, occasional swear word, and tank top or bikini, it was clear that SHE felt awkward...which leaves other people feeling awkward.
It was remarkably painful for me to watch, both because I think she's a really great girl who would make for a wonderful friend and neighbor, and because all I saw in watching her try and fail was MYSELF a couple years back. Me saying hi and then trying to disappear into the background. Me chatting for a minute or two and then heading to the kitchen to help out. Me clinging to ANYONE who even REMOTELY shared my religious beliefs because I could not function among "other" people. (I now see those "other" people as NORMAL, by the way.)
Whether we like to accept it as fact or not, if you were born and raised Mormon, you tend to view people in one of two ways:
- A proselyting opportunity/responsibility ("Where much is given, much is required!"), which means you're supposed to strike up a conversation about the church and get whatever stranger with whom you've come in contact to accept your faith so you can thrill over saving their eternal soul.
- An automatic judge: Could this person cut it in the church? Could they devote themselves to the TRUE religion and give up the coffee they're drinking? the beer they're ingesting? the cigarette they're smoking? the tattoo they're planning? the tank top they're wearing? the significant other they're living with but not married to? If the answer is yes, it is now your perfect duty to convert them, and if the answer is no, they are not worthy of the truth, and therefore, not worthy of your friendship because they may lead you away from truth.
So it IS difficult for Mormons to befriend non-members...especially once your teen years are through, the church is your entire identity, and you don't associate with as many strangers on a day-to-day basis to remind you how to get along with others. Yes, Mormons may be some of the nicest people on the planet...but that doesn't mean they know how to be inclusive of anyone but their own.
And maybe that's a good thing: it means there are fewer people being duped by the church because the members have already determined that someone won't convert and therefore don't try. WHEW.
But it still makes me sad. For my LDS neighbor, for my LDS friends, and most especially for myself. Heaven only knows how many wonderful friendships I've missed out on over the years because I just didn't know how to be a good friend...or for that matter, a good member of the human race. I'll never get those years - or those potential friendships - back.
I just sincerely hope others wake up early enough that they don't have to feel like I do.
Can I get an "Amen"? ;)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Coming Out of the Closet
Yup, I did it. I came out of the proverbial no-longer-a-Mormon closet...on facebook, of all places. Curious? I thought you might be...but only because I'm nigh unto obsessed with people's "I'm leaving" manifestos. So...enjoy?
Friends,
While it's likely no great surprise to anyone, it is important to my sanity to disclose that I'm leaving the Mormon church. Because I know what this means to members (having been one my whole life!) I apologize for any emotional upset this may cause...though I cannot apologize for leaving.
I realize many will believe they saw it coming; already I have been told that I left "because I'm a pothead," because I have a proclivity for sin (as evidenced by my wigs, shoes, and now my bare shoulders), because I'm lazy in seeking a testimony, because I've been offended by gossip, or because I "think too much." To those people, the truth won't matter, but for those to whom my thoughts and feelings mean something (which I assume is why you're reading this, and consequently, THANK YOU), I would like to explain my struggle.
I was born and raised in the church to convert parents...which actually made being Mormon pretty easy. My dear parents have always respected the individuality of their children and allowed us to be who we were, provided we were good and kind people. I am grateful for how they raised me, and I think I'm much better off than some of my peers as a result.
At almost 8, I hesitated to be baptized because I hadn't felt a spiritual prompting about the "truth" of the church. After much counsel, I did as I was supposed to do, hoping the feeling would come later. At 13, I prayed to know that the BoM was true and get my promised Moroni 10:4 answer...and received no reply. I figured Joseph Smith got his revelation at 14, and should try again then...but we didn't study the BoM in seminary 'til I was 15, so I waited, read, studied, and prayed. No answer. I tried again at 18 and 19 at BYU, (two separate BoM classes) and at 21 and 23 (right before I got temple-married), and hoped my answer would come...but after going through the temple, I still felt no spiritual confirmation. But I kept trying! I served as a YW president, Gospel Essentials teacher, and finally as a Gospel Doctrine teacher for 2 years, hoping that 20 hours/week studying would prove to God that I was ready to receive a testimony. Instead, 2 years of studying brought up serious issues...everything from a sadistic OT God to conflicting NT accounts to additional conflicts in the BoM, D&C, and Pearl of Great Price. So I went to CHURCH LITERATURE to find answers...and what I found caused my doubts to spiral out of control. I had no one to turn to as I watched the entire foundation of my life unravel...and not because "Satan" had gotten to me, but because I was finally willing to seek and find truth instead of confirmation for beliefs I'd been born to.
Trust me when I say it was the SINGLE HARDEST THING I've EVER done. Unless you've been there, you cannot imagine what it is to realize that everything you had ever been taught and ever believed was NOT true, as you'd been assured...and worse, that to give it up meant potentially sacrificing everything and everyone in your life that meant something. My marriage nearly ended, my children would've been caught in the middle, I've already had friends turn away from me (because my ENTIRE social network is LDS), and I've faced the possibility of disappointing extended family to a point of no return...all while trying to figure out what IS true.
See, whether Jesus is the Savior or not, He said something awesome: that the truth would make us free. I sought the truth, yearned for it, and - this is key! - I was willing to follow that truth wherever it led, even if it meant sacrificing everything I held dear.
If you were to ask yourself the same question I asked myself when I began to scrutinize my faith the way I've asked others to scrutinize theirs in the past - Hypothetically speaking, if my religion were not true, would I want to know? - I wonder what your answer would be? It's not as easy as you think. When you're Mormon, it's your entire world, and in my case, all I'd ever known. It would be SO MUCH EASIER to "just believe", considering how much I had invested...but God made me as I am with the brain He's given me, and I couldn't just shelve it and "have faith." But that meant I had to study and learn and be willing to accept things I might not like about my faith.
And there are lots of things. I won't bother with them - if you're devoted, they won't matter, and if you're not, you can find a wealth of them on your own from books on your shelves! - but many really got me down. I was told the feelings of grief and anger I was experiencing were Satan, but that wasn't true; in fact, it's what my therapist (because yes, it's hard enough to leave Mormonism that I need a therapist!) terms "Adjustment Disorder," and being both mad and sad come with the territory.
I was informed the other day that the church is about to "come out" with some glossed-over talks and essays that deal with some of the historical and modern issues those of us leaving tend to have with the church. I confess, I appreciate that; my world might not have unraveled so quickly had I known that Joseph Smith was both polygamous and polyandrous, or that the church had the "translated" pages from the Book of Abraham that actually were simply from the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or exactly what current church finances entail, general authority pay, City Creek Mall and all. I hope those talks help other people continue to live happily Mormon if they choose, and that they help others be more educated about the foundation of their faith so they can make an educated choice about whether or not to stay. After all, you don't know what you don't know. You may think you know everything, but BOY, is it freeing to accept that you don't!!!
Please know that I feel no ill will toward the general membership. Many of the Mormons I know are among the very best people on earth. I may be a bit angry, but not at you guys...it's at the organization, and I CAN and DO separate the two. I don't judge you for believing...but I ask that you do not judge me for leaving. I assure you, pot, wigs, tank tops, coffee, laziness, and a bit of obnoxious (but sometimes justified!) gossip really has nothing to do with it. I only seek the truth, and I cannot find it in the church. It sure would be easier if I could, though!
So what am I looking for? Very few people want to engage in conversation about all this, and I get it, but I'm open to it. I'll try not to vent on FB anymore, but can't totally guarantee it. (Just hide me!) I don't need any more Ensign articles to read; they're over-simplified and frankly insulting. I also don't need to be convinced, or to have you bear your testimony. I love you, and I appreciate that that shows how much you love and value me, but I'm well-decided. I haven't removed my name from the rolls, and don't currently plan to, but again, I'm done. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone else. This is my choice, and I make it freely. Please leave my parents be. If you know the gospel, you know they're hurting and don't need any reminders that I'm "lost", nor do they need assurances that my free will will be overridden if they endure faithfully to the end. Just love them.
And know that I'm okay. In fact, I'm happy! I know I get angry or sad about all this sometimes, but that's normal. My world was turned upside down, and it's okay for me to struggle with that. The reality is, though, that my life is better and happier and more honest and more free now than it's ever, ever been, and I have the support of a spectacular husband and wonderful children, a loving extended family (on both sides!) who continue to support me, and most of all, I'm being true to truth wherever I find it, including being flexible enough to change my understanding of truth when more or greater truth comes along. I'm learning at the speed of light, and the world seems so infinitely much more beautiful and marvelous and amazing than it ever has. It's like I'm a kid in a candy store, and God, if He/She/It is there, has given me His credit card. ("Hey, check that out! QUANTUM PHYSICS!!! Ooh, and Buddhism! And...and...plant biology!!!")
Love to you all, and if you've stayed with me this long, thank you. I'm good. In fact, I'm GREAT, and I'm happy and in love with my husband and still doing my darnedest for my children, and still a moral, ethical human being with a capacity for love and learning that I've heretofore never known was possible. Life is beautiful. Thank you for being part of mine.
Yup, that's it. That's me. I'm out, I'm done, and I'm relieved. No, I can't imagine what it's like to have to come out of the closet as a homosexual, which must be infinitely harder in many respects, but I imagine it's at least a little bit like coming out as a now-non-member: some will curse you, some will come to your defense, but most just shrug and say "We figured that one out already." In other words, it's QUITE the experience, and I'm glad it's done.
Does this mean I'm going to tell you my real name? No. I'm getting there, true, but I'm still not ready to be ex'd, so I'm holding off for now...but it's coming. I swear, it's coming. Just hang in there with me a little longer. Love to all, Regina
Friends,
While it's likely no great surprise to anyone, it is important to my sanity to disclose that I'm leaving the Mormon church. Because I know what this means to members (having been one my whole life!) I apologize for any emotional upset this may cause...though I cannot apologize for leaving.
I realize many will believe they saw it coming; already I have been told that I left "because I'm a pothead," because I have a proclivity for sin (as evidenced by my wigs, shoes, and now my bare shoulders), because I'm lazy in seeking a testimony, because I've been offended by gossip, or because I "think too much." To those people, the truth won't matter, but for those to whom my thoughts and feelings mean something (which I assume is why you're reading this, and consequently, THANK YOU), I would like to explain my struggle.
I was born and raised in the church to convert parents...which actually made being Mormon pretty easy. My dear parents have always respected the individuality of their children and allowed us to be who we were, provided we were good and kind people. I am grateful for how they raised me, and I think I'm much better off than some of my peers as a result.
At almost 8, I hesitated to be baptized because I hadn't felt a spiritual prompting about the "truth" of the church. After much counsel, I did as I was supposed to do, hoping the feeling would come later. At 13, I prayed to know that the BoM was true and get my promised Moroni 10:4 answer...and received no reply. I figured Joseph Smith got his revelation at 14, and should try again then...but we didn't study the BoM in seminary 'til I was 15, so I waited, read, studied, and prayed. No answer. I tried again at 18 and 19 at BYU, (two separate BoM classes) and at 21 and 23 (right before I got temple-married), and hoped my answer would come...but after going through the temple, I still felt no spiritual confirmation. But I kept trying! I served as a YW president, Gospel Essentials teacher, and finally as a Gospel Doctrine teacher for 2 years, hoping that 20 hours/week studying would prove to God that I was ready to receive a testimony. Instead, 2 years of studying brought up serious issues...everything from a sadistic OT God to conflicting NT accounts to additional conflicts in the BoM, D&C, and Pearl of Great Price. So I went to CHURCH LITERATURE to find answers...and what I found caused my doubts to spiral out of control. I had no one to turn to as I watched the entire foundation of my life unravel...and not because "Satan" had gotten to me, but because I was finally willing to seek and find truth instead of confirmation for beliefs I'd been born to.
Trust me when I say it was the SINGLE HARDEST THING I've EVER done. Unless you've been there, you cannot imagine what it is to realize that everything you had ever been taught and ever believed was NOT true, as you'd been assured...and worse, that to give it up meant potentially sacrificing everything and everyone in your life that meant something. My marriage nearly ended, my children would've been caught in the middle, I've already had friends turn away from me (because my ENTIRE social network is LDS), and I've faced the possibility of disappointing extended family to a point of no return...all while trying to figure out what IS true.
See, whether Jesus is the Savior or not, He said something awesome: that the truth would make us free. I sought the truth, yearned for it, and - this is key! - I was willing to follow that truth wherever it led, even if it meant sacrificing everything I held dear.
If you were to ask yourself the same question I asked myself when I began to scrutinize my faith the way I've asked others to scrutinize theirs in the past - Hypothetically speaking, if my religion were not true, would I want to know? - I wonder what your answer would be? It's not as easy as you think. When you're Mormon, it's your entire world, and in my case, all I'd ever known. It would be SO MUCH EASIER to "just believe", considering how much I had invested...but God made me as I am with the brain He's given me, and I couldn't just shelve it and "have faith." But that meant I had to study and learn and be willing to accept things I might not like about my faith.
And there are lots of things. I won't bother with them - if you're devoted, they won't matter, and if you're not, you can find a wealth of them on your own from books on your shelves! - but many really got me down. I was told the feelings of grief and anger I was experiencing were Satan, but that wasn't true; in fact, it's what my therapist (because yes, it's hard enough to leave Mormonism that I need a therapist!) terms "Adjustment Disorder," and being both mad and sad come with the territory.
I was informed the other day that the church is about to "come out" with some glossed-over talks and essays that deal with some of the historical and modern issues those of us leaving tend to have with the church. I confess, I appreciate that; my world might not have unraveled so quickly had I known that Joseph Smith was both polygamous and polyandrous, or that the church had the "translated" pages from the Book of Abraham that actually were simply from the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or exactly what current church finances entail, general authority pay, City Creek Mall and all. I hope those talks help other people continue to live happily Mormon if they choose, and that they help others be more educated about the foundation of their faith so they can make an educated choice about whether or not to stay. After all, you don't know what you don't know. You may think you know everything, but BOY, is it freeing to accept that you don't!!!
Please know that I feel no ill will toward the general membership. Many of the Mormons I know are among the very best people on earth. I may be a bit angry, but not at you guys...it's at the organization, and I CAN and DO separate the two. I don't judge you for believing...but I ask that you do not judge me for leaving. I assure you, pot, wigs, tank tops, coffee, laziness, and a bit of obnoxious (but sometimes justified!) gossip really has nothing to do with it. I only seek the truth, and I cannot find it in the church. It sure would be easier if I could, though!
So what am I looking for? Very few people want to engage in conversation about all this, and I get it, but I'm open to it. I'll try not to vent on FB anymore, but can't totally guarantee it. (Just hide me!) I don't need any more Ensign articles to read; they're over-simplified and frankly insulting. I also don't need to be convinced, or to have you bear your testimony. I love you, and I appreciate that that shows how much you love and value me, but I'm well-decided. I haven't removed my name from the rolls, and don't currently plan to, but again, I'm done. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone else. This is my choice, and I make it freely. Please leave my parents be. If you know the gospel, you know they're hurting and don't need any reminders that I'm "lost", nor do they need assurances that my free will will be overridden if they endure faithfully to the end. Just love them.
And know that I'm okay. In fact, I'm happy! I know I get angry or sad about all this sometimes, but that's normal. My world was turned upside down, and it's okay for me to struggle with that. The reality is, though, that my life is better and happier and more honest and more free now than it's ever, ever been, and I have the support of a spectacular husband and wonderful children, a loving extended family (on both sides!) who continue to support me, and most of all, I'm being true to truth wherever I find it, including being flexible enough to change my understanding of truth when more or greater truth comes along. I'm learning at the speed of light, and the world seems so infinitely much more beautiful and marvelous and amazing than it ever has. It's like I'm a kid in a candy store, and God, if He/She/It is there, has given me His credit card. ("Hey, check that out! QUANTUM PHYSICS!!! Ooh, and Buddhism! And...and...plant biology!!!")
Love to you all, and if you've stayed with me this long, thank you. I'm good. In fact, I'm GREAT, and I'm happy and in love with my husband and still doing my darnedest for my children, and still a moral, ethical human being with a capacity for love and learning that I've heretofore never known was possible. Life is beautiful. Thank you for being part of mine.
Yup, that's it. That's me. I'm out, I'm done, and I'm relieved. No, I can't imagine what it's like to have to come out of the closet as a homosexual, which must be infinitely harder in many respects, but I imagine it's at least a little bit like coming out as a now-non-member: some will curse you, some will come to your defense, but most just shrug and say "We figured that one out already." In other words, it's QUITE the experience, and I'm glad it's done.
Does this mean I'm going to tell you my real name? No. I'm getting there, true, but I'm still not ready to be ex'd, so I'm holding off for now...but it's coming. I swear, it's coming. Just hang in there with me a little longer. Love to all, Regina
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
"It's True."
Chatting with some former members over lunch, one gent disclosed that on his last Sunday attending church - once there was already a rumor going around that he was struggling with his testimony - a guy in his ward patted him on the shoulder in passing and leaned over, whispering, "It's true."
As my new friend relates the tale, he grabbed the man's hand on his shoulder (definitely surprising the guy) and stopped him. "Okay, but hypothetically speaking, if it wasn't true, would you want to know?"
"But it is true."
(I confess: at this point every single one of us around the table rolled our eyes.)
"Okay, but again, we're dealing in hypotheticals here, if it was NOT true, would you want to know?"
After thinking for a moment, the guy shook his head "no." "Probably not. After all, it's what I believe, and what I'm doing with my life."
Now, that's all well and good, of course, but I gave up Santa Claus a looooooooooong time ago. I prefer to deal in reality. I prefer to think in terms of fact and fiction, discarding fiction in favor of fact where leading my life is concerned. I prefer to discover TRUTH.
But apparently, no matter how members protest that they seek after truth, they find some truths irrelevant. Such is the case with a few of my convert-friends, who have openly stated that they lack a testimony of Joseph Smith as a prophet (one even went so far as to say that he was martyred because he was leading the people astray, and God couldn't allow that!!!), or even a testimony of the Book of Mormon as the word of God. They're not interested in truth. Their testimonies, instead, are based on the "feeling" that THIS is what they're meant to do with their lives.
That disappoints me. It's a cop-out, first of all, but more importantly, it's actively choosing to live in a fantasy world.
I've heard members argue that that fantasy world gives people hope...that, even if they're wrong, they had something to hope for in the next life while living this one.
But frankly, I find that a bit sick and childish. If you're hoping for impossible things, particularly at the expense of the actual life you lead, what sort of hope do you really have? Take my husband. He hates his job. He wishes every day that he'd gone into something else and would love to go back and get a different degree, because every day he sits at his desk, he is truly miserable. Now that he understands the idea of the Celestial Kingdom is bunk, and that there is very little chance of a post-existence, let alone the opportunity to create his own world and people it, he's looking at the here and now as potentially all there is.
Mormons would say, "How sad." I heartily disagree. I think, "HOW WONDERFUL!!! That means that he's going to finally rethink how he's going to spend the next 30 years of his career, and maybe he'll be motivated to make a change!!!" After all, spending the next 30 years - the prime of your life - doing something you hate isn't that big a deal when you believe you have all eternity to do something you'll enjoy...but wasting the next 30 years doing something you hate when that's likely all you'll get is absolutely asinine.
I - we - choose to live in reality. We want to know the truth, we seek after it, we are (more or less) comfortable in the realization that there are things we don't, can't, and will likely never know, and we're determined to make the most of the life that we have.
I can't say the same for the brother who whispered "It's true" to my new friend. He's busy enjoying the fairy tale, growing old and living by someone else's rules in the meantime. While that's his prerogative, frankly, I pity him. I pity all those who prefer fantasy to reality, because they're missing out on reality.
But at least it reminds me to enjoy what I have, what I know, and who I am. May you all do the same.
As my new friend relates the tale, he grabbed the man's hand on his shoulder (definitely surprising the guy) and stopped him. "Okay, but hypothetically speaking, if it wasn't true, would you want to know?"
"But it is true."
(I confess: at this point every single one of us around the table rolled our eyes.)
"Okay, but again, we're dealing in hypotheticals here, if it was NOT true, would you want to know?"
After thinking for a moment, the guy shook his head "no." "Probably not. After all, it's what I believe, and what I'm doing with my life."
Now, that's all well and good, of course, but I gave up Santa Claus a looooooooooong time ago. I prefer to deal in reality. I prefer to think in terms of fact and fiction, discarding fiction in favor of fact where leading my life is concerned. I prefer to discover TRUTH.
But apparently, no matter how members protest that they seek after truth, they find some truths irrelevant. Such is the case with a few of my convert-friends, who have openly stated that they lack a testimony of Joseph Smith as a prophet (one even went so far as to say that he was martyred because he was leading the people astray, and God couldn't allow that!!!), or even a testimony of the Book of Mormon as the word of God. They're not interested in truth. Their testimonies, instead, are based on the "feeling" that THIS is what they're meant to do with their lives.
That disappoints me. It's a cop-out, first of all, but more importantly, it's actively choosing to live in a fantasy world.
I've heard members argue that that fantasy world gives people hope...that, even if they're wrong, they had something to hope for in the next life while living this one.
But frankly, I find that a bit sick and childish. If you're hoping for impossible things, particularly at the expense of the actual life you lead, what sort of hope do you really have? Take my husband. He hates his job. He wishes every day that he'd gone into something else and would love to go back and get a different degree, because every day he sits at his desk, he is truly miserable. Now that he understands the idea of the Celestial Kingdom is bunk, and that there is very little chance of a post-existence, let alone the opportunity to create his own world and people it, he's looking at the here and now as potentially all there is.
Mormons would say, "How sad." I heartily disagree. I think, "HOW WONDERFUL!!! That means that he's going to finally rethink how he's going to spend the next 30 years of his career, and maybe he'll be motivated to make a change!!!" After all, spending the next 30 years - the prime of your life - doing something you hate isn't that big a deal when you believe you have all eternity to do something you'll enjoy...but wasting the next 30 years doing something you hate when that's likely all you'll get is absolutely asinine.
I - we - choose to live in reality. We want to know the truth, we seek after it, we are (more or less) comfortable in the realization that there are things we don't, can't, and will likely never know, and we're determined to make the most of the life that we have.
I can't say the same for the brother who whispered "It's true" to my new friend. He's busy enjoying the fairy tale, growing old and living by someone else's rules in the meantime. While that's his prerogative, frankly, I pity him. I pity all those who prefer fantasy to reality, because they're missing out on reality.
But at least it reminds me to enjoy what I have, what I know, and who I am. May you all do the same.
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