A Letter to Female Missionaries from a Lady RM

I know of a woman named Lori Crandall from an ex-LDS group on facebook who happens to be a smart, gifted, straightforward soul. She recently posted a letter to female missionaries who are about to leave on their missions, and it was so awesome, I HAD to ask her for permission to re-post it. It simply must be shared. (For more about/from Lori, please visit her website here.)

Without further ado, then, I give you Lori's letter to pavement-pounding Sisters. Enjoy. I did.

A word of advice to all new female missionaries preparing to enter the MTC.

As you are just heading out on your mission, I entered the MTC almost the same day back in 1990. I'm now about to turn 44.

I don't think it is possible to understand how Patriarchy hurts women until you actually enter the mission field and you see how the church is run and you see just how little power you really have. You work and work and then have to turn your investigators over to a boy 3 years younger than you to baptize and your investigator is looking at you like you are a weak, weak woman who can't literally work for god on her own. Wait, you'll see.

Then, you'll go to numerous zone meetings where the boys will get up and preside and lead and you will sit quietly with your companion and say nothing.

You will work at least 80 hours a week and still jump when the DL calls and wants you teach one of their female investigators even though you are exhausted, your laundry needs done, you've eaten nothing but pasta all week,...you'll go...because the boys come first and you have to be "selfless". And, when your companion or yourself becomes suicidal because of the lack of any control you have over your life out there...you'll be blamed, not the church, not the program, not the regime.

So, here's my advice and I hope you can here me. Remember this...you are doing all of this for FREE. Either you, or your friends and family are paying for you to be a saleswoman for the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For the next 18 months, you will attempt to convert people who will pay 10% to the church for a lifetime. You are literally filling the back accounts of the church, while yours is emptying. And when you come back, there is nothing for you. No tuition assistance, no lump sum payment...nothing. But the church could have already made thousands because of your work and hard hard labor.

So, I will tell you what I wish someone would have told me. When you are tired. Don't go out.

When you are sick, go to a doctor, listen to her/him and go back to your flat and don't go out.

If you are mentally exhausted. Stop working and go see the sights and forget the work for the day and just focus on you and re energizing your batteries.

If you are in a flat that is too cold or too hot, or that has mold, or rats, or any infestations...DEMAND to move, immediately. DO NOT JEOPARDIZE your health for this mission.

Remember, if you spent this time in the military, you'd be making serious money, and they would house and feed you well. A mission is opposite, you are being drained and you will feel that in just a few days when your parents drive away and are thinking all is well. It won't be and only you will know that as it's you out there,...not them. Also, if the moment comes where you don't want to be there anymore. If you have given all you can and your soul is on the verge of breaking...don't worry about family, friends or expectations...get home, save yourself and do what you want where you want and pursue your dreams.

Remember, this is voluntary and you are losing money.

I'll tell you the truth, when I got out there...after 2 months I was done. That is a LONG time to give your days and nights for free to any organization. 18 months is extortion...but you'll find that out yourself. Most people stay out because they are afraid of their parents. I was.

Also, when you come home. Move away from your family. Spend time with YOU. Get your own routine back. Do what you love. If you want to be a plumber, go learn to be a plumber. You want to be a cowboy, an electrician...go do that.

If you want to be a parent, don't even think about it until your late 20's. Get your education, get your career stable, get your own place and get some money in the bank and you guard that with your life.

A mission is hard, but coming home with nothing and starting a marriage with nothing and having babies with nothing is harder. Your mother made her choices and you have yours to make. Don't confuse the two.

I mean no disrespect to your mother, but I've been out there pounding the pavement in a foreign country. I know darn good and well what you are up against and no mother who has never experienced that has a right to expect her daughter not to be completely changed by that experience.

Use your instincts. Put yourself first, put your companion second and don't shun her if she just can't go out that day. Help her, comfort her and talk to her and don't guilt her. She's human like you and doing the best she can.

I won't say "good luck" as I know it takes a heck of a lot more than that to survive this.

If you get sick, get checked for worms and parasites. If someplace doesn't feel right...stay away. If you get a companion that you cannot get a long with no matter how hard you try. Refuse to work until you get reassigned. Do not suffer out there any more than you need to. Remember, at the end of this 18 months, you bank account is zero, but the bank account of the church could very well be in the thousands that you'll never see and never benefit from. Keep that in mind.

You are going to have to be strong. The MTC is not the real world. Be as ready as you can. And, if you get hurt and your parents don't want to hear it because of how it would "look", stop talking to them and find someone who will listen to you...it just might save your life.

On a personal note...I never married or had kids because I hated the gender roles in the church. When I came home from my mission my Bishop father forced me to go a singles ward to get married, he gave me no choice and that was it for me. I had just worked my butt of for nothing for the church and I was not going to come home as a 23 year old woman and be disrespected again. I left the church shortly after this. Why? How could true believing Mormon woman leave the church after a lifetime of living it? Because as a woman I was no longer willing to be subject to a man whe I had just worked as hard or harder than them for nothing...and they got the pleasure of baptizing the people I had worked so hard to convert. No, patriarchy and gender roles are not for me.

But...I would never have known that unless I had entered into the pressure cooker that is called a "mission".

Be smart, and save yourself.

Lori

New Week, New Reviews...and a Troll.

Good morning...and thanks! The reviews on amazon for I'm (No Longer) a Mormon are rolling in; 27 all told now! Believe it or not, 23 are five star, so to those who have reviewed the book and been so kind, a big heartfelt THANK YOU is coming your way! There's one in particular I'd like to draw your attention to, however...and it's the 2-star review.

I confess myself delighted to have picked up a troll (who, by the way, apparently did not buy the book). Check it out:

2 out of 5 stars "It would be smart for readers to get a balanced view - talk to others who've had positive experiences in the Mormon church." August 22, 2013

By Woodseal This review is from: I'm (No Longer) a Mormon: A Confessional (Paperback)

I have been a very happy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (which means modern followers of Christ),(The Mormon Church) for 61 years. I am grateful for the strength it has given me to go through life with faith and happiness. I feel very close to God,and love Him and His Son, Jesus Christ.

I have never been abused or demeaned as a woman. On the contrary, I have found that women in the Church have a chance to become the very best leaders and contributors to their communities and the world around them, that they can possibly be. Opportunities to help others within the church and community give us many chances to learn and grow, and post-high school education is highly encouraged.

I have never felt limited in any way. The commandments of God rather keep me from problems I would have caused myself and others if I had ignored those commandments. They free me to make the choices I want to make, without addictions or baggage.

The Church is the same throughout the world, but groups of people can have very different attitudes and dynamics. I fear that is what may have affected the author of this book. She may have been living within a ward or area where the people did not understand and try to fully live the gospel and values taught by Jesus Christ. I have lived and regularly attended church in Wales, England, Minnesota, Utah, and Hawaii, and many places in Maine. I have found joyful, happy, growing individuals and families everywhere I've been. No group of human beings can be perfect. No Mormon is perfect. No matter where you go or what religion, or social group, or even company or neighborhood you may be part of, there will be individuals who wrong others intentionally or unintentionally. But as a way of life, a faith, the "Mormon church" is full of hope, peace, security, comfort, growth and joy. I am very grateful for the blessing of being a "Mormon." (Mormon was a prophet of God many centuries ago on the Western Hemisphere, who prophesied of Christ, and preserved and abridged the record of his people, known now as the Book of Mormon. Mormons who are living their religion try their best to live by the teachings of Jesus Christ taught in the Holy Bible, and in the Book of Mormon, and respect all other people of any faith, agnostic, or atheist.)

..........................Is it just me, or did this lady not even read the book? And for that matter, is this a review, or a proselyting attempt? Either way, I'm thrilled. I've officially ticked off a member enough by writing a former-member confessional that she felt a need to "balance" my unread account with a missionary edict.

Now if only I could get the Strengthening the Membership Committee up in arms, I'd be set!

Have a wonderful week! I sure will! Much love, Regina

PS: If anyone would like to respond to Ms. Woodseal, I'm sure she'd be elated. (wink, wink)
PPS: If anyone would like to review the book on amazon - you know, anyone who has actually READ it - I'd be elated, no matter how you rate it!

Sad Socializings

Is "socializings" a word? Eh. Anywho...

We attended a block party recently. We live in a nice SoCal neighborhood with a large number of really fun folks of all cultures, and - GASP! - we get along beautifully! We even have a Mormon neighbor family just a few houses away...and this isn't Utah.

Who knew?

Our family attended most of the day, then took a couple hours off to shower, nap, and recharge so we could head back to hang out from dinnertime on. It was awesome: the perfect piece of Americana. About half an hour before we headed indoors to de-funk, our LDS neighbor and her kids swung by the party, which was in full swing, and made a beeline for us. She looked incredibly uncomfortable amongst the beer-swilling group (none of them drunk or even close to it, by the way), and when she found a (former) ward member, BAM!, she latched on.

That's all well and good. She's a nice lady, our kids are about the same age, and other than the fact that we no longer share a religion, there was nothing odd about her being friendly with us. (Bless her for not shunning us!)

But then we had to go, and she quite literally followed me to the door, chatting all the way. When we left we could see her through the window of the home that was "base" looking lost, wandering aimlessly over to where her kids were now playing. We returned later that evening, of course, and guess who was eager to strike up a conversation and stay glued to (specifically my) side? Yup.

And that made me so incredibly sad. She didn't understand how awkward that was...to everyone around her. Though I'm sure she feels she has tried to befriend people in the neighborhood, and though I'm certain she does her best to ignore the free-flowing booze, occasional swear word, and tank top or bikini, it was clear that SHE felt awkward...which leaves other people feeling awkward.

It was remarkably painful for me to watch, both because I think she's a really great girl who would make for a wonderful friend and neighbor, and because all I saw in watching her try and fail was MYSELF a couple years back. Me saying hi and then trying to disappear into the background. Me chatting for a minute or two and then heading to the kitchen to help out. Me clinging to ANYONE who even REMOTELY shared my religious beliefs because I could not function among "other" people. (I now see those "other" people as NORMAL, by the way.)

Whether we like to accept it as fact or not, if you were born and raised Mormon, you tend to view people in one of two ways:

1.  A proselyting opportunity/responsibility ("Where much is given, much is required!"), which means you're supposed to strike up a conversation about the church and get whatever stranger with whom you've come in contact to accept your faith so you can thrill over saving their eternal soul.
2. An automatic judge: Could this person cut it in the church? Could they devote themselves to the TRUE religion and give up the coffee they're drinking? the beer they're ingesting? the cigarette they're smoking? the tattoo they're planning? the tank top they're wearing? the significant other they're living with but not married to? If the answer is yes, it is now your perfect duty to convert them, and if the answer is no, they are not worthy of the truth, and therefore, not worthy of your friendship because they may lead you away from truth.

What a sad, sad, sad way to view the human race: by whether or not they might be able to live up to YOUR standards.

So it IS difficult for Mormons to befriend non-members...especially once your teen years are through, the church is your entire identity, and you don't associate with as many strangers on a day-to-day basis to remind you how to get along with others. Yes, Mormons may be some of the nicest people on the planet...but that doesn't mean they know how to be inclusive of anyone but their own.

And maybe that's a good thing: it means there are fewer people being duped by the church because the members have already determined that someone won't convert and therefore don't try. WHEW.

But it still makes me sad. For my LDS neighbor, for my LDS friends, and most especially for myself. Heaven only knows how many wonderful friendships I've missed out on over the years because I just didn't know how to be a good friend...or for that matter, a good member of the human race. I'll never get those years - or those potential friendships - back.

I just sincerely hope others wake up early enough that they don't have to feel like I do.

Can I get an "Amen"? ;)

The Non-Member Experience

I just talked to a dear friend and neighbor who was recently forced to pull her child from a local preschool...because it was overrun by Mormons.

No, they didn't FORCE-force her to leave...but after the parents shunned her by treating her either incredibly awkwardly, or like she didn't exist, and after the kids - AND TEACHER, who is LDS! - shunned her daughter (also by treating her awkwardly or like she didn't exist), my friend had had enough.

And I can't blame her.

See, while I'm sure it wasn't intentional on the part of the members, the reality is that members just do not know how to associate with non-members...at least when there are too many members around. It becomes an unintentional clique; women who are in the same stake or ward and who regularly see one another just cannot find anything in common with non-member women. Worse, when they're surrounded by member-women, they don't feel a need to find anything in common. They look past the obvious - motherhood to preschool-aged kids - and think, "that woman wears a tank top" or "that woman doesn't teach her child to worship God the right way" or "that woman lacks the values and ethics we have as members" and they write those women (and their children) off as UN-relateable. EVEN worse, they sometimes fail to notice the non-member women AT ALL, choosing instead to focus on the Mormon women they already know. If they DO notice the non-member women, it's as a missionary opportunity, and not as a chance to build a long and lasting friendship with another capable, feeling woman.

And whether or not we want to admit it, their children absorb what their member-mothers do, notice with whom they do and don't interact, and accept or ignore other children accordingly. They also recognize kids from their primary classes and ward or stake activities and stick to the kids they know, rather than including the kids they don't.

We are trained to socialize within our own religious group, to make friendships in our religious group, to register our children in the same schools - and find ways to get them into the same classes - as those in our religious group, to sign up for the same sports teams as those in our religious group...and while this makes life a bit easier for the Mormon, it is unfortunate in the EXTREME. We are not part of a wider people; we remove ourselves from the rest of humanity, and as a result, don't function well in normal society if ever we have the option of clinging to members of our faith.

It does Mormons a great disservice, non-members a great disservice, and frankly, the entire human race a great disservice. We are not plugged in, not connected, and oblivious to the wants, needs, and feelings of those outside our group. We are separate, and it is damaging.

So whatever you think of me or my ideas about Mormonism, please heed my plea: welcome others. Love others. Extend the hand of friendship to others, not because they are or aren't members of your faith, not because you do or don't want them to convert to your faith, but because they, like you, are members of the human race just trying to get along in a big, scary world. Faith is not relevant.

Love is relevant.

And to those who all joined the preschool together, took it over, and ousted my dear friend by default: shame on you. You lost yourselves an amazing friend.