Sad Socializings

Is "socializings" a word? Eh. Anywho...

We attended a block party recently. We live in a nice SoCal neighborhood with a large number of really fun folks of all cultures, and - GASP! - we get along beautifully! We even have a Mormon neighbor family just a few houses away...and this isn't Utah.

Who knew?

Our family attended most of the day, then took a couple hours off to shower, nap, and recharge so we could head back to hang out from dinnertime on. It was awesome: the perfect piece of Americana. About half an hour before we headed indoors to de-funk, our LDS neighbor and her kids swung by the party, which was in full swing, and made a beeline for us. She looked incredibly uncomfortable amongst the beer-swilling group (none of them drunk or even close to it, by the way), and when she found a (former) ward member, BAM!, she latched on.

That's all well and good. She's a nice lady, our kids are about the same age, and other than the fact that we no longer share a religion, there was nothing odd about her being friendly with us. (Bless her for not shunning us!)

But then we had to go, and she quite literally followed me to the door, chatting all the way. When we left we could see her through the window of the home that was "base" looking lost, wandering aimlessly over to where her kids were now playing. We returned later that evening, of course, and guess who was eager to strike up a conversation and stay glued to (specifically my) side? Yup.

And that made me so incredibly sad. She didn't understand how awkward that was...to everyone around her. Though I'm sure she feels she has tried to befriend people in the neighborhood, and though I'm certain she does her best to ignore the free-flowing booze, occasional swear word, and tank top or bikini, it was clear that SHE felt awkward...which leaves other people feeling awkward.

It was remarkably painful for me to watch, both because I think she's a really great girl who would make for a wonderful friend and neighbor, and because all I saw in watching her try and fail was MYSELF a couple years back. Me saying hi and then trying to disappear into the background. Me chatting for a minute or two and then heading to the kitchen to help out. Me clinging to ANYONE who even REMOTELY shared my religious beliefs because I could not function among "other" people. (I now see those "other" people as NORMAL, by the way.)

Whether we like to accept it as fact or not, if you were born and raised Mormon, you tend to view people in one of two ways:

1.  A proselyting opportunity/responsibility ("Where much is given, much is required!"), which means you're supposed to strike up a conversation about the church and get whatever stranger with whom you've come in contact to accept your faith so you can thrill over saving their eternal soul.
2. An automatic judge: Could this person cut it in the church? Could they devote themselves to the TRUE religion and give up the coffee they're drinking? the beer they're ingesting? the cigarette they're smoking? the tattoo they're planning? the tank top they're wearing? the significant other they're living with but not married to? If the answer is yes, it is now your perfect duty to convert them, and if the answer is no, they are not worthy of the truth, and therefore, not worthy of your friendship because they may lead you away from truth.

What a sad, sad, sad way to view the human race: by whether or not they might be able to live up to YOUR standards.

So it IS difficult for Mormons to befriend non-members...especially once your teen years are through, the church is your entire identity, and you don't associate with as many strangers on a day-to-day basis to remind you how to get along with others. Yes, Mormons may be some of the nicest people on the planet...but that doesn't mean they know how to be inclusive of anyone but their own.

And maybe that's a good thing: it means there are fewer people being duped by the church because the members have already determined that someone won't convert and therefore don't try. WHEW.

But it still makes me sad. For my LDS neighbor, for my LDS friends, and most especially for myself. Heaven only knows how many wonderful friendships I've missed out on over the years because I just didn't know how to be a good friend...or for that matter, a good member of the human race. I'll never get those years - or those potential friendships - back.

I just sincerely hope others wake up early enough that they don't have to feel like I do.

Can I get an "Amen"? ;)

The Non-Member Experience

I just talked to a dear friend and neighbor who was recently forced to pull her child from a local preschool...because it was overrun by Mormons.

No, they didn't FORCE-force her to leave...but after the parents shunned her by treating her either incredibly awkwardly, or like she didn't exist, and after the kids - AND TEACHER, who is LDS! - shunned her daughter (also by treating her awkwardly or like she didn't exist), my friend had had enough.

And I can't blame her.

See, while I'm sure it wasn't intentional on the part of the members, the reality is that members just do not know how to associate with non-members...at least when there are too many members around. It becomes an unintentional clique; women who are in the same stake or ward and who regularly see one another just cannot find anything in common with non-member women. Worse, when they're surrounded by member-women, they don't feel a need to find anything in common. They look past the obvious - motherhood to preschool-aged kids - and think, "that woman wears a tank top" or "that woman doesn't teach her child to worship God the right way" or "that woman lacks the values and ethics we have as members" and they write those women (and their children) off as UN-relateable. EVEN worse, they sometimes fail to notice the non-member women AT ALL, choosing instead to focus on the Mormon women they already know. If they DO notice the non-member women, it's as a missionary opportunity, and not as a chance to build a long and lasting friendship with another capable, feeling woman.

And whether or not we want to admit it, their children absorb what their member-mothers do, notice with whom they do and don't interact, and accept or ignore other children accordingly. They also recognize kids from their primary classes and ward or stake activities and stick to the kids they know, rather than including the kids they don't.

We are trained to socialize within our own religious group, to make friendships in our religious group, to register our children in the same schools - and find ways to get them into the same classes - as those in our religious group, to sign up for the same sports teams as those in our religious group...and while this makes life a bit easier for the Mormon, it is unfortunate in the EXTREME. We are not part of a wider people; we remove ourselves from the rest of humanity, and as a result, don't function well in normal society if ever we have the option of clinging to members of our faith.

It does Mormons a great disservice, non-members a great disservice, and frankly, the entire human race a great disservice. We are not plugged in, not connected, and oblivious to the wants, needs, and feelings of those outside our group. We are separate, and it is damaging.

So whatever you think of me or my ideas about Mormonism, please heed my plea: welcome others. Love others. Extend the hand of friendship to others, not because they are or aren't members of your faith, not because you do or don't want them to convert to your faith, but because they, like you, are members of the human race just trying to get along in a big, scary world. Faith is not relevant.

Love is relevant.

And to those who all joined the preschool together, took it over, and ousted my dear friend by default: shame on you. You lost yourselves an amazing friend.