The Non-Member Experience

I just talked to a dear friend and neighbor who was recently forced to pull her child from a local preschool...because it was overrun by Mormons.

No, they didn't FORCE-force her to leave...but after the parents shunned her by treating her either incredibly awkwardly, or like she didn't exist, and after the kids - AND TEACHER, who is LDS! - shunned her daughter (also by treating her awkwardly or like she didn't exist), my friend had had enough.

And I can't blame her.

See, while I'm sure it wasn't intentional on the part of the members, the reality is that members just do not know how to associate with non-members...at least when there are too many members around. It becomes an unintentional clique; women who are in the same stake or ward and who regularly see one another just cannot find anything in common with non-member women. Worse, when they're surrounded by member-women, they don't feel a need to find anything in common. They look past the obvious - motherhood to preschool-aged kids - and think, "that woman wears a tank top" or "that woman doesn't teach her child to worship God the right way" or "that woman lacks the values and ethics we have as members" and they write those women (and their children) off as UN-relateable. EVEN worse, they sometimes fail to notice the non-member women AT ALL, choosing instead to focus on the Mormon women they already know. If they DO notice the non-member women, it's as a missionary opportunity, and not as a chance to build a long and lasting friendship with another capable, feeling woman.

And whether or not we want to admit it, their children absorb what their member-mothers do, notice with whom they do and don't interact, and accept or ignore other children accordingly. They also recognize kids from their primary classes and ward or stake activities and stick to the kids they know, rather than including the kids they don't.

We are trained to socialize within our own religious group, to make friendships in our religious group, to register our children in the same schools - and find ways to get them into the same classes - as those in our religious group, to sign up for the same sports teams as those in our religious group...and while this makes life a bit easier for the Mormon, it is unfortunate in the EXTREME. We are not part of a wider people; we remove ourselves from the rest of humanity, and as a result, don't function well in normal society if ever we have the option of clinging to members of our faith.

It does Mormons a great disservice, non-members a great disservice, and frankly, the entire human race a great disservice. We are not plugged in, not connected, and oblivious to the wants, needs, and feelings of those outside our group. We are separate, and it is damaging.

So whatever you think of me or my ideas about Mormonism, please heed my plea: welcome others. Love others. Extend the hand of friendship to others, not because they are or aren't members of your faith, not because you do or don't want them to convert to your faith, but because they, like you, are members of the human race just trying to get along in a big, scary world. Faith is not relevant.

Love is relevant.

And to those who all joined the preschool together, took it over, and ousted my dear friend by default: shame on you. You lost yourselves an amazing friend.

When Your Child Rejects Your Religion: Dos and Don'ts by Kim Giles

Just finished an excellent article from KSL.com written by one Kim Giles, Life Coach. I do not claim the following to be my words in ANY way; if you are interested in reading the article via its original link, please click here. Otherwise, I've copied and pasted it below, I take NO credit for it, and only felt it was beautifully and wisely written, which is why it's located on this blog. More soon! Regina

SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you. 

Question: We have a son who wants nothing to do with our religion. This causes us a lot of pain. We can’t support the decision he is making to walk away when we know it is wrong. Besides praying for him, what is the best way to address this?

Answer: I will give you my opinion, since I am in this situation myself and this approach has worked for us in that we have a beautiful, close, loving relationship with our kids.

Unconditional love is always the answer.

Unconditional love means you edify, honor, cherish and respect him, right where he is right now. It means you see him as the same as you (not as someone who is bad or wrong in any way) and allow him to find his way in life.

Here are some principles which helped us to understand our options.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.

 
Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.
Let me explain how these principles apply to your situation by giving you some dos and don’ts.
 
Don’t blame yourself. Having your adult children reject your religion triggers both your core fears. You are afraid of failure as a parent (if your child leaves the church) and you are afraid of loss (spiritually losing your child). If you continue to focus on these fears, you will make this situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line. Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail. You can trust that even though you weren’t a perfect parent, you were the perfect parent for your child. If you messed him up, you messed him up in the exact way he was meant to be messed up.
 
Trust the process of life. I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.
 
Don’t say anything negative about his choices. Don’t criticize his ideas. Don't say, "I told you so," when things go wrong. Don’t say, "Things would go better if you were doing what’s right." Don’t say he should consider making different choices. Statements like these disrepsect him and his process of growth. If you talk down to an adult child you will damage your relationship. Just be quiet and love him through it.

Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him with respect.

 
Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your kid. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t grant financial help only if they get active in church. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

You don’t have to agree with his choices, but you do have to respect and honor his right to choose his path. You should not act hurt or wounded by his choices. You should not expect him to change so you can feel better. These are selfish, fear-based reactions.
 
Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he sees it. Make sure he feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)

So love your children unconditionally, fully and passionately, and keep seeing the best in them no matter what religion they choose.

(By the way, this is how God parents — and I think he knows what he's doing.)
 
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer

Parental Responsibility for Kids' Spiritual Welfare

I'm leaving the LDS faith...which means, WHAT THE HECK DO I TELL MY KIDS?!

That's a difficulty in and of itself. For the moment, I'm teaching them the same moral and ethical values I was before: be kind to others, live by the golden rule, share, say sorry when you do something wrong, respect others, revel in both our differences and similarities, embrace all that is good and positive, and love others.

The "love" part is the most important, of course; it is how we, as a species, will evolve.

But what about God? I don't know WHAT to tell them about God, so for the time being I'm telling them that "even though Mommy doesn't always agree with what the church has to say, or what the prophet has to say, doesn't mean God doesn't love me for who and what I am! He loves all of us, and we show our gratitude for our lives by loving others and being happy." For now, I believe that will suffice...and it seems like it has, so I'm leaving it where it is.

But a friend of mine called the other day - an active member, of course - and informed me that I had a responsibility both to my elder child, now baptized, and to the church: the church NEEDS "people like [my elder child] because [that child] is so righteous, intelligent, forthright, and kind." I was then informed that I should not stand in the way of that child's participation in the faith, that my child will someday convert a huge flock on a mission and become a great leader in the faith, and that I owed it to my child and the church to let my child attend to reach their maximum potential. Then my friend extended an offer: They will pick up my children every Sunday morning for church and return them home to me afterward.

....................I appreciate the offer. It speaks volumes for the nature and inherent goodness of my children, and is an indirect compliment to my parenting skills.

I do NOT appreciate the fear-mongering. Though their perception may be that I am preventing my children from reaching their potential, and misdirecting them in the paths of salvation, my perception is completely different, and as their parent, my perception is the only one that matters in regards to my kids.

I owe the church NOTHING; in fact, they owe ME THOUSANDS of dollars in tithing collected from me based on a series of lies. My children owe the church nothing; it gave them an absent father when they were little and a stir-crazy mom. It also offered a series of incredibly negative, self-esteem damaging experiences courtesy of ill-behaved peers and adult leaders with an inability to conduct an orderly primary program.

Additionally, I will NOT steep my children's brains in dogma; I will teach them to think for themselves. If my child some day decides to embrace Mormonism, serve a mission, and lead a ward, I will back him 100%. If, however, he decides to embrace atheism and become the next Stephen Hawking, I will also back him 100%.

Finally, if my children want to attend church, I myself will take them, drop them off, and pick them up. I will even dress for church, sit by them in sacrament, and wait on them in the foyer during primary. I will NOT relegate that task to someone else in order that my children may be indoctrinated without my oversight...particularly if the suggestion might ever be made that "Mommy was deceived by Satan and has lost her claim on the Celestial Kingdom." NO FEAR-MONGERING.

So...thanks, but I'm fairly certain my children will go a lot farther toward reaching their maximum potential by assessing the world, deciding (dogma-free) who they will become, and then working their tails off to become those people. Yes, the church needs intelligent, capable, big-hearted people to serve in a variety of capacities...so let it draw from its pool of indoctrinated, power-hungry peeps. My children have more important ways to better the world around them.