Bless the Ex-Mormon Community!

A former-LDS friend found some notes on apologist tactics and shared it with me, and I just HAD to pass it along. Enjoy!

1. Apologists start with the end in mind, and sift through available evidences, picking and choosing what they will use to construct an argument to support their previously determined conclusion.

2. Ad hominem attacks - when frustrated, apologists will typically attack the character or credentials of a critic, trying in some way to minimize the perceived credibility of the arguments of the critic.

3. Straw man construction - destruction. Apologists will take several of the weakest aspects of the critics argument, glue them together as if they are the entire argument, then proceed to attack the straw man characterization of the argument. This approach is used to discredit the entire argument and is fallacious. It relies on a logic that says, if this little part may be refuted, the rest of the argument is null and void.

4. Improper usage of sources, often using secondary sources as primary sources - also using sources out of context.

5. The lynchpin - invalid epistemology. If all else fails, the "spiritual witness" card is pulled, saying that it all relies on faith, or "once you have a spiritual witness, nothing can take that away." They fail to address the inherent circular logic or infinite regress that that causes. Why would a burning in the bosom, or feeling of peace be an indication of truth? Because the scriptures tell us so. How do we know the scriptures are telling us the correct way to find the truth? Because they are from God and God wouldn't lie to us. How do we know the scriptures are from God? Because the scriptures tell us so. Thus starts the endless loop.

Indeed. Better put on the armor of God if you're going up against a Hugh Nibley-type from FAIR! Good luck!

A Little Busy...

Sorry, I'll be posting more and more regularly soon, but you can imagine I've been just a little busy with the publishing bit. I'm currently working on a "Christian" version of the book (you know, sans four-letter words!) and getting established on facebook, but a friend recently shared a youtube video with me, and I HAD to pass it along.

You see, I'm floundering terribly in my beliefs right now (whatever they are!), and this video seemed as close to what I'm able to accept and understand about God for the moment, meaning that, at least for the time being, I think I'm a Pantheist. (Click on the word for the video link.) I was thinking Humanist, maybe Deist...but this video describes where I am, and if that's a Pantheist, then that's me!

Enjoy, and please feel free to comment any time! 'Gina

PUBLISHED!!!

Okay, everybody...it's done! It'll be a couple days before I'm (No Longer) a Mormon is up on amazon, but for the time being it's available for ereaders everywhere! For Kindle, please go here. For every other format - including online reading AND Kindle format! - please visit smashwords; you'll need a free account. I'll put the print book link up the moment it's ready, and once the ebook is available direct from B&N, Kobo, iTunes, etc, those links will appear here, too! Enjoy, and thank you all so much for your support!

When Your Child Rejects Your Religion: Dos and Don'ts by Kim Giles

Just finished an excellent article from KSL.com written by one Kim Giles, Life Coach. I do not claim the following to be my words in ANY way; if you are interested in reading the article via its original link, please click here. Otherwise, I've copied and pasted it below, I take NO credit for it, and only felt it was beautifully and wisely written, which is why it's located on this blog. More soon! Regina

SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you. 

Question: We have a son who wants nothing to do with our religion. This causes us a lot of pain. We can’t support the decision he is making to walk away when we know it is wrong. Besides praying for him, what is the best way to address this?

Answer: I will give you my opinion, since I am in this situation myself and this approach has worked for us in that we have a beautiful, close, loving relationship with our kids.

Unconditional love is always the answer.

Unconditional love means you edify, honor, cherish and respect him, right where he is right now. It means you see him as the same as you (not as someone who is bad or wrong in any way) and allow him to find his way in life.

Here are some principles which helped us to understand our options.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.

 
Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.
Let me explain how these principles apply to your situation by giving you some dos and don’ts.
 
Don’t blame yourself. Having your adult children reject your religion triggers both your core fears. You are afraid of failure as a parent (if your child leaves the church) and you are afraid of loss (spiritually losing your child). If you continue to focus on these fears, you will make this situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line. Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail. You can trust that even though you weren’t a perfect parent, you were the perfect parent for your child. If you messed him up, you messed him up in the exact way he was meant to be messed up.
 
Trust the process of life. I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.
 
Don’t say anything negative about his choices. Don’t criticize his ideas. Don't say, "I told you so," when things go wrong. Don’t say, "Things would go better if you were doing what’s right." Don’t say he should consider making different choices. Statements like these disrepsect him and his process of growth. If you talk down to an adult child you will damage your relationship. Just be quiet and love him through it.

Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him with respect.

 
Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your kid. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t grant financial help only if they get active in church. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

You don’t have to agree with his choices, but you do have to respect and honor his right to choose his path. You should not act hurt or wounded by his choices. You should not expect him to change so you can feel better. These are selfish, fear-based reactions.
 
Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he sees it. Make sure he feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)

So love your children unconditionally, fully and passionately, and keep seeing the best in them no matter what religion they choose.

(By the way, this is how God parents — and I think he knows what he's doing.)
 
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer

Publishing To-Dos

Boy, how quickly we forget! Self-publishing is ROUGH STUFF. All I want is to get my book out there, share my story with the world, and help the unindoctrinated understand the plight of the indoctrinated-leaving-their-indoctrination...and it's taking a bit of time.

That's just fine, of course, but I feel like I've been sitting on this for MONTHS waiting for agents to respond. (That's another blog entry in and of itself.) Now that I know I'm self-publishing, I feel like I have a MOUNTAIN of things to do. What sort of things to do? Well...I'll show you!

1. Re-edit (nearly finished)
2. Re-proof (also nearly finished by my proofer, to whom I send pages as I finish re-editing)
3. Kickstarter...to help cover the costs of my proofer, cover artist, etc.
4. Re-formatting...for createspace, smashwords, KDP, and espressnet
5. Order and wait on a cover
6. Create a facebook page
7. Create a Twitter account
8. Work on this blog
9. Upload to all the places listed in point 4 (and wait for approval)
10. Order and mail out createspace copies for kickstarter contributors
11. Establish giveaways and "share contests" on facebook, twitter, and this blog
12. Market, market, market

Gee whiz, I already feel like I need a nap! Anyway, I'll keep you all updated as the process continues, offer links to kickstarter for those willing to help with the (very sparse) self-pub costs, and links to the book on twitter, facebook, amazon, createspace, kdp, smashwords, b&n, espressnet, kobo, itunes...you name it. Hang tight, and thank you for your patience and support!

Much love, Regina

Selfishness

I confess, I'm horribly, horribly selfish: I LIKE having TWO days to spend with my family and recuperate before the next workweek! Before, I had half of one! Now, TWO!

Half of one, you ask? Why, yes. You probably haven't heard the LDS children's primary song that goes, "Saturday is a special day. It's the day we get ready for Sunday! We clean our clothes and we polish our shoes so we won't have to work until Monday!" Yup...Saturdays are for getting stuff done and for engaging in preparation for Sundays, and Sundays are for worshiping. So long about midday Saturday, it's time to crack open those lessons, get everything set up and laid out for the Sabbath, and get yourself in the proverbial "spirit" for church the next day. The next day, you get to load up the crockpot, get ready for church in your Sunday best, worship for 3 hours, attend any additional meetings, pray, listen to church music, maybe watch church-related films, write letters to missionaries, take naps (my old standby favorite), and even visit the sick. (Jane Austin moment!) Beyond that? Wait 'til Monday, or you're breaking the sabbath. (And don't you even THINK of buying anything!)

Now? No Sunday prep. Saturdays are OURS. And guess what else? Sundays are ours, too!!! All that hard-earned money that would have gone to tithing (read: to support the retirement plans of Salt Lake church employees)? Keep it and spend a little on a fun family activity and/or meal on Sunday. It's GLORIOUS, people.

It's true, I'm selfish. The interesting part about it, though, is that since we now have 2 full days of fun on the weekend, we're MUCH more likely to devote part of it to community service! (I kid you not; 2 of the last 5 weekends, we've done exactly that!) Ironic, isn't it?

Anyway, I love weekends...more now than ever. Amazing how much happier a person can be when they take a step back, reassess, and CHOOSE. :)

Parental Responsibility for Kids' Spiritual Welfare

I'm leaving the LDS faith...which means, WHAT THE HECK DO I TELL MY KIDS?!

That's a difficulty in and of itself. For the moment, I'm teaching them the same moral and ethical values I was before: be kind to others, live by the golden rule, share, say sorry when you do something wrong, respect others, revel in both our differences and similarities, embrace all that is good and positive, and love others.

The "love" part is the most important, of course; it is how we, as a species, will evolve.

But what about God? I don't know WHAT to tell them about God, so for the time being I'm telling them that "even though Mommy doesn't always agree with what the church has to say, or what the prophet has to say, doesn't mean God doesn't love me for who and what I am! He loves all of us, and we show our gratitude for our lives by loving others and being happy." For now, I believe that will suffice...and it seems like it has, so I'm leaving it where it is.

But a friend of mine called the other day - an active member, of course - and informed me that I had a responsibility both to my elder child, now baptized, and to the church: the church NEEDS "people like [my elder child] because [that child] is so righteous, intelligent, forthright, and kind." I was then informed that I should not stand in the way of that child's participation in the faith, that my child will someday convert a huge flock on a mission and become a great leader in the faith, and that I owed it to my child and the church to let my child attend to reach their maximum potential. Then my friend extended an offer: They will pick up my children every Sunday morning for church and return them home to me afterward.

....................I appreciate the offer. It speaks volumes for the nature and inherent goodness of my children, and is an indirect compliment to my parenting skills.

I do NOT appreciate the fear-mongering. Though their perception may be that I am preventing my children from reaching their potential, and misdirecting them in the paths of salvation, my perception is completely different, and as their parent, my perception is the only one that matters in regards to my kids.

I owe the church NOTHING; in fact, they owe ME THOUSANDS of dollars in tithing collected from me based on a series of lies. My children owe the church nothing; it gave them an absent father when they were little and a stir-crazy mom. It also offered a series of incredibly negative, self-esteem damaging experiences courtesy of ill-behaved peers and adult leaders with an inability to conduct an orderly primary program.

Additionally, I will NOT steep my children's brains in dogma; I will teach them to think for themselves. If my child some day decides to embrace Mormonism, serve a mission, and lead a ward, I will back him 100%. If, however, he decides to embrace atheism and become the next Stephen Hawking, I will also back him 100%.

Finally, if my children want to attend church, I myself will take them, drop them off, and pick them up. I will even dress for church, sit by them in sacrament, and wait on them in the foyer during primary. I will NOT relegate that task to someone else in order that my children may be indoctrinated without my oversight...particularly if the suggestion might ever be made that "Mommy was deceived by Satan and has lost her claim on the Celestial Kingdom." NO FEAR-MONGERING.

So...thanks, but I'm fairly certain my children will go a lot farther toward reaching their maximum potential by assessing the world, deciding (dogma-free) who they will become, and then working their tails off to become those people. Yes, the church needs intelligent, capable, big-hearted people to serve in a variety of capacities...so let it draw from its pool of indoctrinated, power-hungry peeps. My children have more important ways to better the world around them.