Man, I love this guy. Yes, he'll wax a little philosophic (and a little poetic), but this spoke to my soul, and I wanted to share. Happy Halloween with something COMPLETELY unrelated! ;)
is an evolution to pecking out of the egg and coming into the light.
Imagine the effect on the chick of having something happen that it can
hardly comprehend, as cracks in the shell become avenues for the first
experience of new light to begin to
impose itself upon the old darkness the chick never knew was darkness
until experiencing more....it did not know what it did not know; how
the pieces slowly fell away, and something strange--a new light--now
blinded the chick, yet still it pecked until it could escape that which
now is impossible to contain itself, and yet was also so indispensable
to developing itself.
would the chick, then, curse the shell or shadow that may have held it
captive, and necessarily so until that bright day when it was strong
enough to escape the shell, dry in the sun, spread its wings, and in the
new light consider itself and say.....so, this is me; this is who I am!
kind to the darkness then that was your embryonic phase to the person
you are now, and would not give up being today; it's OK that we all
cursed the darkness at times that held us in until we were ready, like
that marvelous scene at the end of the movie--Gravity--to kick off the
very suit that felt weightless and saved us in one moment of our lives,
and became heavy and would have drown us in another.
the moment of frustration, while holding her breath, Sandra Bullock's
character surely cursed that heavy space suit under water that moments
earlier had saved her life in space. And so it is with the journey of
life, when one comes to know the earth for the first time...and old
skins must be kicked off to survive the rapid change in the landscape of
like her character uttered, as she grabbed a hand full of earth as if
feeling it for the first time--as if feeling really, fully alive for the
first time, the only sentiment left to say; a simple but
says-it-all....thank you! I got through all that alive, somehow. All
that came apart in my orbit and threatened me could not, in the end,
am OK. Maybe I am not sure where I am in the sometimes disoriented here
or now of adjustment and change, but I am not alone! Neither am I
unchanged. Neither would I go back into that space again---nor can I,
given that the same shrapnel that brought me out remain in that orbit.
all of this is reason for joy! And no one, no one....will ever
understand the journey that got you there or out of there, or the
courage it took you to survive that coming apart--borrowing again from
the movie Gravity, and the falling to earth that freed you to be OK in a
whole new way, landing in an unfamiliar place, and in tact as a much
you broke the Mormon gravity; get your legs under you now and walk with
head high, heart full, for both the embryonic confinement of the Mormon
experience, and for the personal confidence it took to break free of
its gravitational pull....
is no need to curse the old, any more than the chick needs to curse the
shell or the darkness it knew in that place, or the astronaut the
factors that forced an unexpected path change from orbiting earth to
knowing earth in ways you could not have known, otherwise.
yes, like in the movie, there are loses along the way, but even those
were part of what got you to here when you needed them to be just who
they were to keep you moving forward.
the darkest echoes from those still in the shell, and who have yet to
know that light--let alone that they walk in darkness at noon
day--deserve not our cursing, but rather call forth our deepest kindness
for what they have yet to experience, until some strange force may
begin to act on them--perhaps the shrapnel coming at them from things in
their own lives coming apart (as in the movie, given that the actors
did not create the problem in the script but were none the less affected
by it), and they instinctively begin pecking.....
cannot stop.....they just cannot stop.....(you know that feeling)...and
the new light blinds them, and they initially curse those who brought
them to the light (or the light to them)--like someone waking a sleeping
man on a dark morning with a bright room light...
In that moment they may exclaim--turn off the light, you are blinding me.....
...from their anger, while covering their eyes, being more comfortable with the darkness they know as light....
...before one is ready to begin their awakening!
[Editorial note: If you've not seen Gravity yet...leave off RIGHT NOW and go see it!]
Where we threaten the Church is that our wisdom points
to people in exile being OK in their humanity and divinity, rather than
making all that conditioned upon allegiance to external authority and
upon a God that is not as accessible as he is perceptual or theoretical
in the faith narrative.
is not a narrative; God is an inner experience that, if transposed to
narrative, becomes lost in human limitations of thought and word....God
is lost to a world that seeks to name God, rather than just experience
it--the God, that is, that lives within, however you explain the God
narrative to yourself.
am always pleased when my friends who have journeyed beyond the walls
of Mormonism discover that they are still OK, that there is meaningful
life beyond the wall, and that they do not encounter an offended God who
whips them with trials until they retreat again behind the wall for
institutional forgiveness and personal refuge from his eternal rage.
all, do not the Gods--as explained by their own inventions--invent
humans to meet their needs to be eternally adored and absolutely obeyed?
little humans change, only how they tell the stories and mythologies of
their lives to themselves....of which their perceptual gods are a
part....and, truly, a necessary and beneficial part, when well
gods of men are so like that, because men are like that; the only god
that can be known by any man is the god he is; thus, god is but a
self-perception and projection, except to the one who is convinced of
the thoughts of his own mind, and whose mind rules over him because he
refuses to examine those thoughts, or empty himself of thoughts about
God, so that a better God might meet him in an open inner landscape of
believes the god he has because he believes in the god he is. To the
loving, god/reality is experienced and explained in loving ways; their
imaginations of God have been captured by grace and love, and they speak
of life and God in such adoring and supporting terms.
the legalistic, god/reality is experienced and explained in those
terms; assigned rituals, sacraments, ordinances, and obediences become
evidences of God's love for us, and our devotion is reciprocated by
attending to such things with something named perfection.
the authoritarian, god/reality is absolute power; absolute love is
surrendered to (and often confused with) absolute human authority; human
authority is the institutional God, incarnate--whether by mine own
voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same; and servants sitting
in seats of power and judgment come to believe their own voice as the
same; think church courts, and how these disciplinary courts are named
"love" by those who conduct them.
that power place of taking oneself so seriously/sincerely, men who lead
from authority still practice the blood atonement in theory, when they
encounter the wicked and wish for their punishment--be they of the wrong
sexual orientation, religion, expression, or persuasion, or
inclination.....there is always a way for the right(eous)to make the
sinner wrong, and exile them when they fall short, as all sinners do!
ask these types to love you unconditionally; they are too busy
numbering the hairs that fall from your head, and finding some way to
assess all that through some right(eous) precept within their
hyper-vigilant minds, as god's self-appointed watchmen and defenders,
and such....they are, as I have experienced, the least teachable,
because they are too busy measuring where everyone else is (or isn't)
right, based on the high standards they know; based on the high standard
they think they are; based on their own unquestioned sense of
only god we know, then, is the god we are.....if there be an ultimate
and infinite presence called God, it would be incomprehensible to the
human mind, and a terrible antagonist to the very human-will it created
to become, as the Mormon scripture says, its very enemy (the natural man
being an enemy to the very God who created that nature). God, I
suppose, needed a lover and an enemy in us; how erratic and erotic is
such a narrative of God!
And so it seems, as the saying goes, God created man in his image, and then man returned the favor!
natures, being God's named enemy, is a frightful construct; you have no
power against the all powerful. Even worse, God created an invisible
enemy who he cast below to torment us, in order to prove us....because
he does not have all the facts.
can only send the rats to the lab and see how they perform when faced
with a human nature he both created and despises, and an enemy he
apparently advises (think Job), and all within a saving plan that
minimizes the god experience to such mantras as: pay, pray, and obey,
rather than trust, love, and seek--as a means of individual expansion,
rather than institutional domination. In short, the God experience can
never be more than an evolving personal narrative. Some tell that
narrative within the framework of a relationship with an institutional
church it confuses as God, while others must tell that narrative from a
greater distance. Either way, it's all narrative; it's all personal;
it's all OK.
wisdom of healing, and of giving other people permission to be OK being
them from this place of exile, is that as they make the exodus, they
need not look back and turn to salt. In other words, they need to stop
looking at TBMs to make them OK, to give them permission to be OK being
them as they exile.
I stated in this post, there is no TBM who has any way to be OK with
the exile of a loved one they had hoped and struggled to prepare for an
eternal glory with. Stop asking TBMs to make it OK for you to be you in
exile. You ask too much of their mindsets, and you ask for what simply
cannot be--unless you are fortunate enough to be loved without
conditions by the TBMs in your life--either way, then, you do not need
permission to be OK being you in exile from TBMs, for either you already
have that permission because they are TBMs who actually can love
radically, or you won't ever get it, because they have no way to love
that big--because their god and salvation are just too limited.
is more important to you, now and always, that you love you that BIG.
That is your job. That is your job alone, to make certain you are
well-loved within. Please know that your journey is not about gaining
approval from others, but knowing in ways other cannot access, the
greater wisdom that whispers outside the temple walls as well as within,
that it is still well with my soul....
one, no one has your inner spiritual GPS system, because they are not
called--if you will--to walk your perfect path in life! They can only
project their own "true" onto your path and search.
what we can teach our TBMs if we can be the love to them we so often
desire--and even demand--from them. Stop asking people to love you for
who you are now; you don't have that right to demand that they love you
at all, let alone love you any certain way. Love is always a gift.
just presence to them a God, spirit, grace, love, whatever language you
use, so profound that in time they willingly confront their limited
ways of knowing and experiencing. They may have no way to comprehend how
any of us could be OK outside the wall. They have no framework from
this place of possibility and accessibility to the God we are and know
a PS. I actually believe it is the emptying out of the theistic mind,
or as faiths call it--to be as a child or the beginner's mind--that is
the beginning of experiencing the "surprise" of God, or this idea of God
as radical inner experience, not outer theological explanation.
deep within metaphor, symbolism, and parable, we find within our
perceptual language through which the notion of the Divine and Eternal
speak to us.
is like the beautiful symbolism and metaphor of Peter walking on the
waves with Christ. Imagine what it took to let go, metaphorically
speaking, and trust the inner faith necessary to walk on water, knowing
full well the impossibility of such a thing.
that with the boat, in which his fellows both rode and trusted. Such
different paths of faith, those are; religion is the boat, while
something that allows us to walk on water is a different experience of
the inner God that we are. And you cannot access the faith to walk on
water if your faith is in boats!
accessed, once one realizes the faith to walk away from the boat,
because they can, and because doing so brings them to the God of the
impossible or the radical inner spiritual life, then what is to become
of boat/religion? One becomes an (and in) exile, their relationship with
the boat that brought them now forever changed....
radical experience of God, cannot be known in the possible; it is the
impossible God who comes to introduce those emptied out and ready to
meet God on God's terms.
rest are theists, awaiting their salvation on man's terms. They are the
boat riders who trust in boats; the rest are water walkers who let go
of boats and walk away....
And in the acts of climbing out and letting go, water walkers must unavoidably become boat rockers!
imperfections are part of the perfection all things are; I am perfectly
experiencing the illusion of imperfection--and it is only an illusion;
things are as they are--that is reality. To argue against reality is
always a painful experience.
then, is but imperfection in perfect order of perfection. It is what it
is; without judging an experience or thing, it becomes, therefore,
nothing to judge or be bothered by, or in other words,
nothing--nothingness....and nothingness is perfection in fullness!
Nothingness is openness.
as openness creates space for gratefulness....or the joy of living
without all the illusions or stories that run like TV reruns over and
over in our minds, until we see that, they, too, are nothing....
Sonia, what is spirituality, then, if not another name for reality?
if you looked at the notion of experiencing spirituality as a way of
thinking about reality, including, therefore, any notion of what we
might experience (and name) as God?
if God is merely a name given to describe the indescribable, or an
attempt by finite human minds to grapple with the idea that something
has to be larger than itself? Otherwise, it might have to confess itself
as God; and in the very act of determining there must be something
larger than itself, it is being that larger-than-self God. God cannot,
therefore, be known apart from the mind and body. We are the God we
know; the rest is imagination, and that, too is of the mind. There is
not reality outside our minds; there is no God outside our thoughts of
God. God, then, is also nothingness, and from that place of nothingness
comes possibility; God, then, is nothing and everything!
if God means something beyond the evolving historical arguments of
theists, originally formed from once indescribable inner experiences
(Saul becoming Paul after unexpectedly experiencing Jesus on the road to
Damascus), now distilled into empty (of transforming power) theologies
by rote theologians--stuck in the arrogance (and identity) of certainty,
whose theologies over time should empty mature believers out of
belief--as these theological propositions/dogmas collapse in on
themselves, as all dogmas eventually do (how many Mormon doctrines have
changed over time that were God's only and unchanging truth at the time
they were defined as such--blood atonement, Blacks and priesthood,
a gift eventual doubt and (hopefully) inevitable unbelief become, then,
if they empty us out of the human forms of explaining God. The emptying
is only opening us wide to the gentle and transformational, mystical
and magical forms of experiencing God--radical and unimaginable
experiences we are now open to, and which captivate us and steal away
our breath, while filling us with endless wonder in terms that cannot be
explained, only experienced.
experienced this today while sitting at Starbucks. I was caught up in
the magic of escaping my mind and just being with the most eclectic
group of people who all came in together. One sat with me and shared who
they were: a support group for recovering addicts. With no mind to
judge them, but just an openness to experience them, I sat captivated by
their diversity, astonishing diversity that screamed unbelievable
beauty to me.
God, they were so beautiful. I nearly cried, as I looked at these
people in their different forms and faces, genders and graciousness. I
was overcome by the splendid energy, different personalities, and
beautiful ways in which each one was perfect at being just what they
was a holy moment for me, because I recognized myself in all of them; I
was in oneness with the entire scene--and that oneness....became
wholeness....which was experienced as holiness....
was God I was experiencing, or the perfection of all that was happening
around me (God being all things in oneness), as I just observed from
that inner still and gentle place of love and joy, and it consumed me
with gratitude, as I spoke my encouragement and praise for all that
these people had experienced and overcome in their tribe of support.
may have surrendered my former religious mindsets, but I never
sacrificed my spiritual sensitivities or deep desires.....oh no, they
burn even hotter in me now for others....for closeness...for
oneness....with all that is.....
so it is, we need tribes of support. Religion provides that in many
ways; exile too often isolates us from one another--so I am glad the
exiles gather here. For even the Zebra are wise enough to graze in
tribal patterns that make it impossible for the lion to distinguish one
from another. And when the bush fire rages they ban together and run
into the fire, together.
some are scarred, but all survive, because they run through the
fire--as one, not away from it; they gather and not scatter when the
fire rages. So it is in life; the fire that devoured our past faith was
necessary for us to experience the new undergrowth; new wine cannot be
poured into old bottles. So I say to exiles, come...graze with
me....come...run with me....come....know the me you are! Come, dance
with my soul....
Such is the spiritual community of oneness, and it has nothing to do with theism, but pragmatism--and instinct.
if nature is our true scripture, our true order of knowing and
teaching? What if man posits his theories, but nature teaches us how to
be. If we could empty out of explanations, oh what we would be open to
that to me explains reality; and from that place, reality is a
spiritual experience! And that definition works to keep me out of pain
and into joy. Why leave Mormonism from pain, and then stay in that pain?
Heal, fellow exiles....
life once defined by Mormonism is still defined that way, when our
minds cannot escape our war with it....no matter how long we have been
apart from it!
that disrupted mind, too--as I see it--is also in the service of the
spirituality of reality! For in time the troubled thinker will see that
it is the story they have told themselves about Mormonism they are
fighting, not Mormonism. Mormonism is just what it is. Either it works
for you or it doesn't; either you'll stay or you'll go, or some
variation of both.
(or any) way Mormonism, too, is nothing when no longer judged! Then
gratitude can replace the suffering....and life can move beyond that
former school to new possibilities and introduce us to new teachers!
What is more spiritual than that reality?
Welcome to My Continuing Online Journey!
Perhaps you've read my book by now, or maybe you've only heard of it and were curious about me, or maybe you're even just surfing the web and happened on one of my posts, but please take your time and wander around. I've got enough to say, I'll be posting for some years yet! Lots of resources, personal entries, and discussion to be had; please contribute (respectfully) to it without fear of being lambasted. (Read: all comments will be moderated for relevance and basic appropriateness.) Finally, if you are here because you have heard my story or one like it and are willing to lend your support to us indoctrinated folk entering the real world, Thank You. With love, Regina