Sex Abuse in the LDS Church

There are entire sections of my book related to sexual abuse in the LDS faith...and unlike in the Catholic church, none of them relate to homosexuality!

I have spent the last few weeks trying to understand why, exactly, when a Catholic who read my book asked if I was aware of any ecclesiastical homosexual abuse in the church and I couldn't think of a single incident.

There are gays in the church, after all! If indeed approximately 15% of the human populace is wired for same-sex attraction, that means approximately 15% of the LDS populace is wired for same-sex attraction, so why aren't LDS bishops molesting little boys the same way Catholic priests are?

Simple answer: LDS bishops are usually married men with flocks of children who breed happily with women. Catholic priests are single guys who often live amongst one another and sometimes devote their lives to God to help them overcome their "fallen" desires.

So we don't have a lot of gay leaders molesting boys...but you can imagine that we have LOADS of married men who are VERY thankful for the desk between them and the teenaged girls alone in their office. (How many mature men do you know who can prevent an erection when a cute 15 year-old girl is explaining her obsession with masturbation? Whether she's in tears or not, the very thought "causes things to come up.")

We DO, however, have loads of women who have been or are being sexually abused. There are a dozen women with whom I spend the most time who are active members: K, M, T, F, J, A, B, K2, K3, J2, P, and T2. (ALL of these names have been changed; even their sub-letter is unrelated to their real names, fyi.) Of those women, K, M, T, F, A, B, K3, P, and T2 have been abused in some way, ranging from rape to molestation. K, A, B, K3, and P have experienced it more than once. K3 in particular has been raped by NO LESS THAN THREE DIFFERENT MEN...and as she grew up in UT (and would attest if she could), all of those men are LDS. SOOOOO...9 of 12 women have been abused on some level sexually, meaning a full 75% have suffered. 5 of 12 have been abused multiple times. That's ALMOST HALF.

Need more details? K was repeatedly raped by her husband prior to divorcing him. (I only count that as "one" because it was the same man, even though I can by no means consider it "once".) M, A, and B were molested as children by (in no particular order) a cousin, an uncle, and a brother. T, K3, P, and T2 have all been raped...K3, again, by three different men. F was molested at BYU, by two different men on two separate occasions.

I...KID...YOU...NOT.

The question is WHY?! Why are the numbers so HIGH amongst a group of unrelated people who grew up in different places with only the church in common?

My theory is sixfold:

1. Women in the LDS faith (whether we feel it or not) have been devalued outside of our baby-making capabilities.
2. LDS men see themselves as both powerful and justified, thanks in great part to the "holy" priesthood.
3. LDS women are hyper-sexualized in the male psyche by the efforts made to de-sexualize them.
4. LDS men often become obsessed with pornography and many of its fetishes.
5. Because sex is so hush-hush, curiosity abounds and morphs into twisted experimentation.
6. When men are "found out", women are often blamed and men allowed to "sin" again.

I see very little need to elaborate on those points, but would love to hear your thoughts on the theory, or to hear you postulate your own! Comment away, everyone!

Sex

Yup, a post about sex. Why? Because when I chance to chat with ex-members who've read I'm (No Longer) a Mormon, it always, always, ALWAYS comes up. (No, that was not a dirty joke.)

Seriously. Always. Like this morning, when I had a phone conversation with a local ex-Mo ("the" word for former members in the ex-LDS community, I'm discovering), we chatted for probably 15 minutes...and then she brought up sex. "I read your book, of course, and you mentioned sex a few times, and I wanted to ask you..."

A few weeks back, I met up with another ex-Mo, and 30 minutes in, we were talking about SEX.

I've had many, many ex-Mos email to let me know that they are reading/finished my book, and fully 50% or more have something to say about sex!

The sexually-related topics range in nature, of course. Thus far I've had candid discussions about (and in no particular order):

• masturbation
• sex abuse
• rape
• single sex
• married sex
• sex positions
• sex toys
• sexual fantasies
• individual sex drives
• sexual experimentation
• three-ways and orgies
• the list goes on.................

Now, clearly I'm no expert, nor am I in any way qualified to offer bedroom advice, but I think I'm just now beginning to understand why so many former members are eager to talk through their sexual fears and/or proclivities: Once you're out of the church, there's a whole new world of sexuality to explore, but since our circle of friends is largely limited to members of our former faith (read: most of the people we know are still active members and not at ALL sexually liberated!), we have NO ONE to consult on these matters so near and dear to our hearts and our reproductive organs!

Not to mention sex therapists are EXPENSIVE, and we know that the issues we'd have to bring to a therapist's table are things that 90% of "normal" people don't need to discuss with a therapist! To keep ourselves from blowing the cash and from feeling like total freaks, we turn instead to each other...but so few ex-Mos get out there and say "Masturbation is normal!" or "Orgasms feel good!" or "It's okay to use sex toys!" that STILL we suffer.

Which brings me back to my book. I very candidly discuss my sexual history, my enjoyment of youthful masturbation, and the sex abuse I (and others I know) have encountered in the church in my book, and I honestly think that, at least when ex-Mos read it, the light bulb comes on. "WHOA! LOOK AT THAT! She's willing to talk about sex...openly! Honestly! Without shame! That's a chick I really need to talk to!"

And I DON'T MIND!!! I confess it was a little odd the first couple of emails to be email-chatting with strangers about masturbation or sex positions, but since they KNOW I'm not a counselor and that any thoughts or advice I share is just my own personal opinion, I've sort of adjusted to it. Hell, it's refreshing to hear that I'm not alone, and that others, too, have struggled to "normalize" their sex lives post-Mormonism.

Because of the number of emails and conversations I've had from ex-Mos about sex, I'm planning to write a few blog entries on the discussion subjects I've covered lately. No, I won't name names, no, I won't discuss anyone's personal situation, but I DO think it's important to post a few entries about some of those points...most especially sex abuse, masturbation, and "keeping it interesting." Look for those over the next few days. In the meantime, feel free to leave an anonymous comment with your thoughts, your woes, and/or your sex-related discussion requests! Always, Regina